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The Girl with Purple Hair

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  #1  
Old 03-02-2018, 03:45 AM
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Default The Girl with Purple Hair


Today

A Girl with Purple Hair
Crossed the street
And demanded to know why

I looked so sad.

Her hair
Newly dyed
Screamed in the morning sun

And whispered around winking studs
And hoops
And dangles
Things that twinkle at the corner of my eye
Disrupt my concentration

Every day

This woman can scowl
And beam
At the exact same time
Making a reply so damn manditory

But I've completely forgotten the answer.

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Old 03-02-2018, 11:07 PM
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i like it! very sparkly. is she a real muse? she sounds very studly, and you aced the repetition of the "And"s. kinda short, something could happen to her, and you could be just the ever casual observer? the only flaw: too short. meaning, i really enjoyed myself. i don't think you can do wrong with this idea. nice work!


edit: i added you as a friend; add me back, lol!
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Old 03-03-2018, 07:54 AM
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Understanding current beauty and sensitivity can be challenging - but worth the effort. life happens in the present.
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Old 03-04-2018, 11:49 AM
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Nice name there. Purple hair is fun. My boss dyes her hair purple. It's a great color, your poems formatting is weird and I can't say I like it.
But the words work just fine.

Hm. Not much to work with. Don't be sad, you've got a job typing stuff even if it doesn't pay right? Cheer up I think it'll get better soon right? Smile and frown at the same time, this is great: two faced, just like life. Truth and lies, lies are truths, truths are lies and the world spins into oblivion? I don't know, cross the street and keep writing the poem or not, your path is labeled crooked anyway, but I'm totally kidding
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Last edited by Beesauce; 03-04-2018 at 11:52 AM..
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Old 03-05-2018, 02:10 PM
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"I looked so sad"

Something about that line strikes out at me. Hate the word "look" or any filtering, but the "so sad" really strikes me. Another more powerful phrase or word could be used. Dont know... Something about it
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:49 PM
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Daes: You hate the word "look"? Hate wasn't what I was going for, but I suppose that it's a win if I can evoke any strong emotion. Personally, I reserve my hate for individually wrapped Twinkies, so I can't judge.

Sauce: As far as formatting? I have close to zero experience with this type of poetry, or the best way to lay it out. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated!
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Old 03-06-2018, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by TheCrookedPath View Post
Daes: You hate the word "look"? Hate wasn't what I was going for, but I suppose that it's a win if I can evoke any strong emotion. Personally, I reserve my hate for individually wrapped Twinkies, so I can't judge.

Sauce: As far as formatting? I have close to zero experience with this type of poetry, or the best way to lay it out. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated!
Don't be drunk when you format.
Don't follow other drunks formats
Poetry is what you want
Formatting is an art
No one can tell you
how
you must
read more
and then
and only then
can you be you



check it out ^ ^
looks like a gun don't it?
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Old 03-12-2018, 06:59 PM
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it looks like a heart... nice work!
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Old 03-18-2018, 04:02 PM
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I think "I looked so sad" is OK because it seems to be what the purple hair girl is saying or thinking. She's a trite kinda girl, maybe. BUT I think the last line is used too much "forgotten the answer" You could take that line right off? I liked the poem fine. I didn't notice the format.
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