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Clock of brainwashing.

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  #1  
Old 04-13-2013, 09:43 AM
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Default Clock of brainwashing.


Don't talk. Don't breathe. Don't live. You are dead. Dead until they say you are alive. When they say you are alive, you'll ask what you need to do. They'll tell you. Do it. Don't think about it. Do it.

It's a game. Just a little game. Don't ask questions. You wouldn't understand the answers. Play the game. Play with us. We won’t hurt you if you behave. Don’t be bad and you’ll live.

Do you understand?

Good.

Tick-tock
Around the clock
Left and right
Out of sight.

Silence. You are silence. No memories. I need you to forget. Forget everything. You don’t exist. Not until they say you do.

Be patient my dear. Patient. It will be over soon.

No more. There is nothing in your mind. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Listen to us, child, listen to us. We know. We are your voice now. You need nothing more.

Don’t cry, child. They don’t like it when you cry. Do you really want me to break those pretty little bones of yours?

Don’t cry.

Sleep.

You are going to sleep now. Sleep, until they wake you up. And then, then you are going to do what they tell you to do.

Do it.

No questions.

No complaints.

Understood?

Good.

Go to sleep.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

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Last edited by Wind; 04-13-2013 at 10:26 AM..
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  #2  
Old 04-13-2013, 10:22 AM
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Ooh, spooooky...

This is an intro to something bigger, right? The way the prose flows is nicely poetic, just barely hinting at the story behind it. The repetition is SO effective, especially given the title.

Your character and setting are ambiguous, if not totally undefined, but the tone is still ominous without being too heavy-handed about it. I care enough to be curious about what's going on. Does the "they" mentioned could mean the child harm, or are they ambivalent? (rhetorical) It's very interesting, but it doesn't really stand alone. Give us the rest of the story!

Minor typos: "breath" should be "breathe" in the first paragraph; "complains" should be "complaints" in the last section.

Edit: disregard what was said about it not being "stand alone" - I just came across your other post. It fits very nicely together, and adds heaps to the tone of the other piece. I was just looking for something to critique in this one, and that is the only criticism I really had. Will give a full review of your other work momentarily.

Last edited by Izzyn; 04-13-2013 at 10:45 AM..
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Old 04-13-2013, 12:06 PM
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Thank you for sparing your time to critic my work, it really means a lot. I'm glad you were able to find the other one. I jumbled them up a little accidently.
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:24 PM
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This has a great poetic style yet it gives only a hint as to what the story is about. It certainly intrigued me, and I'd love to read the story as well. Well done.
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:28 PM
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I liked it. Is this piece connected to anything else you have posted?
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Old 04-14-2013, 02:53 AM
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Yes it's connected to "Who are you?" It's a bit confusing because they didn't came out in time order.
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Old 04-14-2013, 01:15 PM
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I'd post this on the poetry board. Seems more like free-form poetry than a prose. Just me. I know you'll ignore me anyway and write this off as cantankerous.

As a poem, I give a gold star.
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Old 04-15-2013, 07:01 AM
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I'm glad you liked it, and I'm very sorry if you think I would just ignore your comment. It is obvious that both sides were in a little misunderstanding earlier, and I do wish to set that right.

As for the story/poem, it was meant to be a story, but it has been pointed out to me by both you and my sister that it does sound more like a poem. I would be willing to give it a chance in poetry board (even though I’m not generally moving along side poetry) but i really am not sure how to post it there and delete this one here since I do suppose that it not all to wise to post two same threads in two different sections. As you can see I’m really not god with this.

Once again I sincerely apologies.
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Old 04-16-2013, 07:22 AM
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Thank you for thinking so much of my work. I checked the Tallenge and I’m thinking of actually trying to do it, but it will take some time since my account message didn't seam to get trough. Thank you again.
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