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Worth It.

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  #1  
Old 05-07-2008, 07:36 PM
Phenomenal TJ (Offline)
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Default Worth It.


A crying mother
A grieving dad
Think of the thing
That makes them sad

A son that died
Just last week
He seemed so strong
But was so weak

He was the captain
The best on the team
A boy that would never
Achieve his dream

Why he did it
Noone knows
Maybe he was tired
Of putting on shows

He gave up
He just quit
He just didn't think
He was worth it

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  #2  
Old 05-08-2008, 09:15 AM
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The subject is neat TJ, I liked it. I guess this could do good with some punctuation.
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Old 05-08-2008, 02:59 PM
Phenomenal TJ (Offline)
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Ya, this more or less describes me when I'm in one of my moods.

Ya, some of my poems have puncutation, the others in my notebook...not so much, haha.
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  #4  
Old 05-10-2008, 03:12 AM
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I agree, it could do with some punctuation. With such a simple structure I can see this working really well as a performance piece. You can take out the qualifiers like so, maybe extend the lines and gid deeper into the poem if you wish.

I'd like to see more of this, if you write it. I think you've got a powerful subject.
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Old 05-10-2008, 05:30 PM
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i like the poem a lot, but i think that more needs to be expanded on so that the reader has a more defined idea about the message you are trying to convey. Another thing, I have a pet peeve with rhymes, i find i lose focus of poems when I see something in the rhyme scheme that stands out. I think the rhyme between "week" and "weak" should be changed. They are too similar, and judging from your writing, I am sure that you can find a word to replace it . Just a suggestion though.
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Old 05-15-2008, 04:21 PM
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Thanks, sorry it took me some time to reply, but I've been swamped with end of the year work for school, and whatnot.

Ya, I'm thinking about changing weak, to meek?
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Old 05-16-2008, 08:03 AM
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very true to life poem.
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Old 05-16-2008, 07:50 PM
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i enjoyed this poem, wow there a lot of great writers here, hope when i get my five posts i dont make a botched attempt, well heres to you m8 good work
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:22 AM
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That was a pretty good poem for the most part. I felt at times like the rhyming was a bit too forced and could do with some work but other than that, it was pretty good :]
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