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Old 08-12-2012, 02:27 AM
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Default Todays Joke...


A grasshopper walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says; "We have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper replies; "You have a drink named Kevin?"


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Old 08-12-2012, 03:44 AM
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A blind man walks into a bar.
His dog walks under it.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:55 AM
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A man walks into a bar and says... "Ouch!"
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:56 AM
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The teacher asks William: "If there are three chickens on a fence, and you hit one with a rock, how many chickens are left?"

William answers "Well, sir, if I throw a rock at one of them, the others will fly away as well, so none."

The teacher chuckles. "The answer I was looking for is two, but I like the way you think."

William smiles. "Well, I've got one for you as well. Three women sit on a park bench, eating a popsicle. One of them sucks on the popsicle, one of them takes small bites, and the other licks it. Which of the three is maried?"

The teaches blushes a bit, then hesitantly answers "The one who sucks the popsicle?"

"The answer I was looking for is 'the one with the wedding ring,' but I like the way you think!" William grins.
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:01 AM
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This is a true story, unfortunately....every month, when I ovulate, I become a bitch. I don't mean to, it's just the hormones. Anyway, one day, my husband and I were at the store and I started snapping at him about something and my husband, (the rocket scientist) asks "is it that time of the month? Are you mutating again?"
I just stated at him dumbfounded for a second before asking, "do you mean ovulating?" he sputtered for a second, turned as red as a cherry and walked out of the store...at least everyone in the check out line got a laugh.
I swear this really happened. I refer to a lot of what my husband, Andy, says as Andisms.
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Old 08-12-2012, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Writing Time View Post
Boo!! Get off the thread!!

Your mama is so fat she uses gravy as a salad dressing!

Your so ugly you'd have to use bacon grease as shaving cream just to get your dog to lick you!
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Old 08-13-2012, 01:24 AM
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Yo mamma's so fat, not even Dora can explore her, and she such a slag she can sell her spit to a sperm bank.

Personally I think my yo' mama jokes are genius, but every day I get told I'm an insensitive bastard. I feel like quitting my job at the orphanage to be honest, those kids are so damn ungrateful...
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Old 08-13-2012, 01:54 AM
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A woman went into a bar and asked for an innnuendo, so the barman gave her one.
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Old 08-13-2012, 03:20 AM
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a tortoise, missing the "no tortoises" sign, walks into a bar. The barman chucks him out. Five days later the tortoise returns and exclaims "What did you do that for!?"

Yeah.
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Old 08-13-2012, 03:33 AM
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A Jew walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman asks, "Where'd you get him?"

The parrot answers, "Israel, there's millions of them there."
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:07 AM
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A vampire walks into a bar, the bartender turns and asks, "a shot of blood for you?" to which the vampire replies, "not at all my good man, I just need some hot water" he then pulls out a used tampon, smiles and says, "tea time".....
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Old 08-14-2012, 03:08 AM
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UK joke today:
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Old 08-17-2012, 06:03 AM
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I've been telling this joke since I was 7 or 8 years old. It's terrible, but here goes.

A man with a speech impediment goes shopping.

First he hits the bakery and asks for a bum. The shop keeper replies "don't you mean a bun. "that's what I said a bum." the man says. So the man gets his bun and is on his way.

Next is the homestore to ask for a fuckit. The shop keeper replies "don't you mean a bucket." "that's what I said a fuckit." the man says. So he gets his bucket.

Next the clock shop to ask for a cock. "Don't you mean a clock." "That's what I said... a cock." The man gets his clock.

Walking home, another man asks our guy for the time, to which he replies, "Yeah sure, just hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock out."

Yeah.
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Old 08-17-2012, 06:37 AM
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I am after the SUPER penalty. Anyone knows anyone who might have scored a double whamy ...you know you score once then the ball bounces back again into the net which makes it a double.
That I call SUPER penalty.
Anyone?
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Old 08-17-2012, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Nacia View Post
I am after the SUPER penalty. Anyone knows is anyone who might have scored a double whamy ...you know you score once then the ball bounces back again into the net which makes it a doubel.
That I call SUPER penalty.
Anyone?
I know!

You're insane.
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Old 08-17-2012, 08:09 AM
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Adult humor! You have been warned:





A guy walks into the sperm bank wearing a ski mask and a carrying a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she open the vault.
"But, sir, this is a sperm bank!" she says.
"I don't care, open it now!" he says.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The robber says, "Take one of those samples and drink it."
"But they're sperm samples!" she replies, shocked.
"Just do it," he growls.
So she sucks it back.
Then the guy removes his mask and the woman is shocked to see its her husband as he says, "see, honey, it's just not that difficult."



A gorgeous woman walks into a dr.'s office. The dr. is bowled over by how stunningly beautiful she is. As he begins to examine her, all of his professionalism goes right out the window.
He tells her to take off her slacks and he starts rubbing her inner thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" he asks.
"Yes, checking for abnormalities," she replies.
He tells her to take off her blouse and bra, which she does.
The dr. starts rubbing her breasts and asks her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes, checking for cancer," she replies.
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties and puts her on the examining table. He gets on top of her and starts having sex with her.
He says, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Of course," she replies. "You're gettin herpies. That's what I'm here to be treated for."
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Old 08-17-2012, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by JohnConstantine View Post
I know!

You're insane.
No I am not.
I still have no answer is there or isn't there a SUPER penalty?
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Last edited by Nacia; 08-22-2012 at 02:58 AM..
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Old 08-18-2012, 12:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Writing Time View Post
Boo!! Get off the thread!!
This thread is cool it is nice to pass on jokes.
Everyone should be able to make their own.
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Old 08-18-2012, 04:16 AM
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Off to deliver my daughter to band practice, so I thought some band geek jokes might be appropriate...

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the Sax recital.

How many directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. But who's really watching?

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. He just stands there, holds the lightbulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR
Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
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Old 08-18-2012, 04:17 AM
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Rene Descartes is drinking in a bar. The bartender walks up and asks if he wants another drink. Rene says "I think not." And blinks out of existence.
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Old 08-18-2012, 04:56 AM
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A VIP is drinking in a bar. A random person went up tothe VIP and said:
''who do you think you are''?
The VIP answered: ''I don't think. I just am''.
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Old 08-18-2012, 12:35 PM
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Ever had rodeo sex? No? Here's how you do it: when your ask sex with your girl, lean in and whisper "your sister likes it like this too" and try to stay on for 8 seconds.
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Old 08-21-2012, 05:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Nacia View Post
No I am not.
I still have no answer is there or isn't there a SUPER penalty?

Anybody figure out what a super penalty is yet?

And if so what's it got to do with jokes?
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Old 08-21-2012, 05:59 AM
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A boy asks his teacher if he could get punished for not doing something.
"Of course not," said the teacher.
"Good, because I haven't done my homework."
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by luckyme View Post
A boy asks his teacher if he could get punished for not doing something.
"Of course not," said the teacher.
"Good, because I haven't done my homework."
Stupid teacher.

Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!

Doctor: Pull yourself together man!

Oh yes.
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:08 AM
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That sounds like an honest to god Tommy Cooper. I love it.
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Old 08-21-2012, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by JohnConstantine View Post
Anybody figure out what a super penalty is yet?

And if so what's it got to do with jokes?
It is called sarcasm it is a kind of a cold joke if you like and so only chilled people get it.
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Nacia View Post
It is called sarcasm it is a kind of a cold joke if you like and so only chilled people get it.
Oh... yeah that one has flown right over my head, twice, if you like.
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:58 AM
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Not only yours John.
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Old 08-22-2012, 02:57 AM
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Originally Posted by JohnConstantine View Post
Oh... yeah that one has flown right over my head, twice, if you like.
Ouch super duper!!
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