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  #2551  
Old 09-20-2012, 09:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Adrenaline View Post
Poof! Due to the fact that the contract was given to Halliburton, the substandard jet packs melt the genitals of all who use them and a major law suit ensues just in time for the Nielson Ratings.

I wish someone would respond positively to my writing in here.
( Haliburton has a jet pack division?)

ONE person responds positively but he becomes a stalker and stabs you in a parking lot after work. To add insult to injury, we learn in his confession that he misinterpreted your work as a Pro White Separatist call to arms.

You can only hang your head and ask yourself, "How does this keep happening?"

I wish Clint Mathis was still playing football. I miss watching him.

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  #2552  
Old 09-20-2012, 09:50 PM
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Presto! Clint Mathis agrees to being filmed by National Geographic while he demonstrates a game of footy ball for a remote tribe along the Amazon, but is mistaken for a mate in heat by a horny wild boar and is humped to death in the jungle.

I wish paper money was germ proof.
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  #2553  
Old 09-20-2012, 10:00 PM
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Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! Clint!!!!!!!!! You made my teenage years magical!!!!!

( that didn't sound right ... )

Presto!!! For some reason, all germs disapear from paper money. however, you're the only person who ever noticed them or cared so the world never learns of your contribution to society.

I wish there was peace in the middle east ...

part of chicago...
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  #2554  
Old 09-21-2012, 08:28 AM
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Granted, now the midwest is a war zone and the peace is ruined seconds later by invasion.

I wish I didn't have to eat
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  #2555  
Old 09-21-2012, 10:54 AM
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Rooster, you are hysterical.

Kas, Presto Chang-o! Your digestive system has become completely autonomous and you are able to live out your life surviving on air. Unfortunately, your colon required a constant conveyor belt of food coming in order to evacuate its current contents so you are now forever more full of....But you move to Los Angeles to become a famous guest speaker due to your Air Diet, take three gulps of the smog at LAX, and die, twitching, in an airport taxi.

I wish people took responsibility for their thoughts.
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  #2556  
Old 09-22-2012, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Adrenaline View Post
Rooster, you are hysterical.



I wish people took responsibility for their thoughts.
Aww, shucks ...



THAT'S THE POWER OF THE KEY-BLADE! Now everyone takes responsibility for their thoughts.

But nobody knows what the hell that means so everyone just wanders around looking confused...

I wish I had super powers.
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  #2557  
Old 09-23-2012, 09:10 AM
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Granted, you hear every ant's last thought before perishing.

I wish I could sleep when and where I wanted.
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  #2558  
Old 09-24-2012, 08:29 AM
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ok, but you will never wake up.

I wish I was a rich, famous, talented musician.
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  #2559  
Old 09-24-2012, 08:48 PM
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Poof!

You become a rich, famous and talented musician.

However, one third of everyone you meet thinks you're a sell out.

Another third think's you suck.

And the last third just listens to your first big song and never gives your newer work a shot.

I wish I could teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony ...
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  #2560  
Old 09-25-2012, 06:35 PM
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...but you snort one too many lines of the wrong kind of coke, instead, forget your musical mission, and die in a grassy field.

I wish screaming children and their parents were publicly flogged on the spot in public places.
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  #2561  
Old 09-25-2012, 07:11 PM
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Granted.

Due to the rise of screaming children in public places, though, you are immediately surrounded by their wails (and the wails of their parents) from the flogging. The noice is incessant whenever you step outside of your door.

You soon become a hermit--even having your groceries delivered to you. The screams soon begin to permeate through your walls, and you become insomniatic. With lack of sleep (and lack of vitamin D), you become depressed and insane. The only time you find solace is when you run headfirst into your walls, causing you a few minutes of blackout.

I wish my house looked like one of those professionally decorated ones that are in magazines.
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  #2562  
Old 09-25-2012, 08:18 PM
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You voyeur.

After losing a bet, you hire me to do your decorating. You arrive home to find holes in your walls...but the curtains are fantastic.

I wish people's noses turned colors like mood rings according to their current emotion so we could all be forewarned.
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  #2563  
Old 09-26-2012, 01:19 PM
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Granted but in summer everyone has a blue nose and in winter a black nose so no one is the wiser to people's moods.

I wish i could fix the little things when they go wrong.
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  #2564  
Old 09-26-2012, 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Kas81 View Post
Granted but in summer everyone has a blue nose and in winter a black nose so no one is the wiser to people's moods.
Hmm...wouldn't summer be red and winter, blue?

Your wish is granted but the Little Things Fixing Business that you are compelled to start requires such a lot of squinting and hunkering down that you are forced into early retirement due to impaired vision and a distorted spine. Luckily, you acquire a limitless supply of pain killers as a result.

I wish I could do a wide range of really spot on impressions of famous people's voices.
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  #2565  
Old 09-28-2012, 06:38 PM
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Granted, you have this ability for three weeks, at which point you become extraordinarily ill. Your illness results in permanent damage to your vocal chords. Your Jar-Jar Binks impression is now your only method of vocalization.

I wish Morgan Freeman would narrate my life.
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  #2566  
Old 09-28-2012, 09:10 PM
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Boom! he agrees to do it but regrets the decision immediantly!

You gotta get out more!

Freeman becomes bitter about his foolish choice and takes it out on you by making sarcastic and hurtful remarks about your lifestyle in that sweat, soothing, grandfathery voice of his ...

I wish I could count cards.
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  #2567  
Old 09-28-2012, 11:58 PM
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Granted. You make a killing in Vegas before being arrested and then killed by a jealous inmate.

I wish I was never ill.
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  #2568  
Old 09-29-2012, 01:05 AM
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granted but that's only because you're now dead.

I wish I wasn't so indecisive.
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  #2569  
Old 09-29-2012, 02:41 AM
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Granted, you're now not so indecisive just completely indecisive

I wish my nose would run away
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  #2570  
Old 09-29-2012, 07:56 PM
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Granted, but you are left with an unattractive Voldemort-styled nose stub. Worse still, your nose takes your credit cards when he leaves and runs up an insane debt.


I wish I had an army of robots like the ones in I,Robot.
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Black Rose, your thorns are cutting in to me for the last time. Black Rose, I watched your petals wilt away. I couldn't bring you back to life.
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  #2571  
Old 09-29-2012, 10:47 PM
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Originally Posted by sparta98 View Post
Granted, but you are left with an unattractive Voldemort-styled nose stub. Worse still, your nose takes your credit cards when he leaves and runs up an insane debt.


I wish I had an army of robots like the ones in I,Robot.
Poof! You get said robot army.

But the goverment comes down pretty hard on you about that. I mean, you can't just raise an army right?

They take all your robots and offer you full immunity if you tell them how you produced such an amazing fighting force. Of course, they don't believe you when you tell them, "I just wished for it."

You spend the rest of your youth in prison.

I wish it was easier to find Peanut Butter Twix.
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  #2572  
Old 09-30-2012, 04:05 AM
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Granted. For the next nine months, peanut butter twix will grow like bamboo. Sadly, it is just as hard to eat, and the chocolate plants destroys whatever ground it touches, effectively removing all of farmland within 500 miles of your home.

I wish I had a flying swimming pool
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  #2573  
Old 09-30-2012, 01:15 PM
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Shazam!
It's windy up there, so all the water sloshed out. A farmer mistook your winged pool for a new animal, and the Royal Institution of Keeping Animals Captive (RIKAC) trapped your pool and showed it off like king kong. They also broke it's wings, so it climbed up the empire state building where it got all shot up by bi-planes.
It tumbled to the ground and shattered. Plus, you fell out with the water and caught a cold on the way down.

I wish I could do really cool flips.
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  #2574  
Old 09-30-2012, 01:41 PM
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Granted, you can do really cool flips...with a coin. Good for a party trick but not much else.

I wish there was no oceans
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  #2575  
Old 10-01-2012, 12:18 AM
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Ok, so now it's REALLY boring with nothing but land around. Plus there isn't anywhere for the rivers to go and they dry up and all water disappears eventually and everyone dies of thirst.

I wish I could make a decent wish.
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  #2576  
Old 10-01-2012, 12:23 AM
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Now all your wishes are decent and nothing indecent ever happens to you anymore, boring the panties off of you, but that has no use either because noting indecent ever happens to you. Eventually all the decency gets to you and you off yourself.

I wish I knew what to wish for.
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:22 AM
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Granted, you know what to wish for but you're now a mute.

I wish I was a mermaid married to a handsome prince.
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Old 10-01-2012, 04:11 PM
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Granted! You have the male in your clutches. Unfortunately it's just a salmon swimming upstream.

I wish I could find the magical fountain of youth.
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  #2579  
Old 10-01-2012, 06:28 PM
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Here it is. But don't touch it or you'll forever be 3 months old with no parent to change your nappy.

I wish I was asleep
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Old 10-02-2012, 04:29 AM
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Granted, you are a living sleeping...erm beauty, but there's no prince to rescue you...sorry.

I wish I could outsmart a particular someone
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