WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


The Elementalist - ch 1 (675 words)

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 09-21-2017, 06:59 AM
dtp81390 (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 24
Thanks: 0
Thanks 3
Default The Elementalist - ch 1 (675 words)


I originally posted this is the Members Only forum and have not gotten much of a response.

This is also being posted in the members only forum.

__________________________________________________ __________

“Your Majesty.” A short man stumbles through the throne room hatch trying to catch his breath.

Bebekai spun abruptly. “This better be important, Earo.” She strode over to her throne, intricately carved from the charred trees from the surrounding islands, and sat.

“It is, my Queen. We found him. We found the second Master.” Earo rose from his knees as he spoke.

“Where?”

“The Other World.”

“Excellent work Earo. Fetch Govad and inform Jasper of the location.” Bebekai rose from her throne and returned to her position at the edge of the volcanic crater. Earo hurried down the steps and closed the hatch.

She would soon have the opportunity to put an end to the only person who could stop her. The feelings of joy that overwhelmed her, if you could call it joy, were foreign yet familiar. She had not felt this way since… since she killed her brother.

Moments later Govad climbed through the hatch, made easy by his tall, slender frame. His dark skin blended with the walls of the crater.

“You summoned me?”

“My Son, I have a job for you.” She gracefully approached Govad. “We have finally found the Master. I need you to take Jasper and a few men to the Other World and bring him to me.”

“As you wish, Mother.” Govad bowed slightly and hurried towards the hatch.

“And don’t mess this up.” Govad glared at her before descending the stairs.

Bebekai, ensuring that no one else had entered the throne room, walked to the edge of the crater opposite the hatch and with a wave of her hand the ground sunk and revealed a staircase. She descended into a cavern lined with cells. She passed numerous emaciated prisoners, until she reached the cell at the end of the passage.

“I wanted to thank you for leading us to your son. He will be here soon, and you will watch while I suck the air from his lungs.” The prisoner lunged at her through the bars. She laughed hysterically and returned to the throne room.

Govad entered the sleeping quarters with a leather satchel over his shoulder. “Soren. Driscoll. Grab your gear and get your lazy butts over here. The Queen of Darkness has work for us.”

Two large hulking men slid off their bunk, threw their shirts on, and grabbed their things.

“You’re lucky she is your mother, or you would see what happens to people who talk to us like that” Soren growled as he intentionally bumped Govad’s shoulder on his way out the door.

“Head down to the docks, Jasper is meeting us there.” Govad rubbed his shoulder as he left the sleeping quarters.

Govad, Soren and Driscoll descended into a great cave at the base of the volcano lit only by torches, which was home to the Queens docks. The torches did not hold fire, but rather a ball of white light. Several crew unloaded the cargo ships and others loaded supplies onto the bireme. Jasper’s muscular frame and pale skin could be seen leaning against the bulwark. He barked orders at the crew.

“Where we headed, Jasper?” Govad asked as he climbed the gangplank.

“Well. We need to cross the prime rift a few miles outside the Elderwood.” Jasper joined Govad at the bow.

“How much time do we have?”

“Seven days. Four to get us to Ahass, and three to the Elderwood.”

“Soren. Driscoll. Go below deck and keep an eye on the crew, we don’t want unrest among them.” Govad ordered before he examined the sixty-man crew, or prisoners, making sure that all of them were properly chained. “Jasper. Get this boat moving.”

“Men, oars out. You have four days to get us to Ahass. You fail, you will be executed.” Jasper took his place at the rudder as the boat lurched forward, the large lantern beaming with white light dangled from the bowsprit.

The boat sailed out of the cave, crossed the calm waters of the Silent Sound, and passed the Ring Islands, to open water.

__________________________________________________ __________

Let me know your thoughts on this intro. What needs improving, constructive criticism is always welcomed.

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-21-2017, 03:45 PM
Loser&Loner's Avatar
Loser&Loner (Offline)
Typist
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: By the sea
Posts: 76
Thanks: 12
Thanks 13
Default

Maybe give a little more information for some bites. Do you wish to have this published? If so what is your target audience, what will the word count be?
__________________
My words are edible
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-22-2017, 07:39 PM
Chinspinner's Avatar
Chinspinner (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 122
Thanks: 36
Thanks 21
Default

Sorry for the caps, but it is the easiest way to identify my comments. As always, ignore anything that is not useful.

“Your Majesty.” A short man WHO? WHAT IS HIS NAME?
stumbles through the throne room hatch trying to catch his breath.

Bebekai spun abruptly. ABRUPTLY IS REDUNDANT “This better be important, Earo.” She strode over to her throne, intricately carved from the charred trees from the surrounding islands, and sat. HER OR THE THRONE?

“It is, my Queen. We found him. We found the second Master.” Earo rose from his knees as he spoke. WHO? WHAT?

“Where?”

“The Other World.”

“Excellent work Earo. Fetch Govad and inform Jasper of the location.” Bebekai rose from her throne and returned to her position at the edge of the volcanic crater. Earo hurried down the steps and closed the hatch. TOO MANY NAMES

She would soon have the opportunity to put an end to the only person who could stop her. WHAT? The feelings of joy that overwhelmed her, if you could call it joy, were foreign yet familiar. She had not felt this way since… since she killed her brother. THIS HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE AN INTERESTING HOOK, BUT I FEAR IT IS A -KICK THE DOG-

Moments later Govad climbed through the hatch, made easy by his tall, slender frame. His dark skin blended with the walls of the crater.

“You summoned me?”

“My Son, I have a job for you.” CONVERSATION IS STILTED She gracefully approached Govad. “We have finally found the Master. I need you to take Jasper and a few men to the Other World and bring him to me.” INJECT MORE PERSONALITY INTO CONVERSATION

“As you wish, Mother.” Govad bowed slightly and hurried towards the hatch.

“And don’t mess this up.” Govad glared at her before descending the stairs. NEW LINE FOR A NEW CHARACTER

Bebekai, ensuring that no one else had entered the throne room, walked to the edge of the crater opposite the hatch and with a wave of her hand the ground sunk and revealed a staircase. She descended into a cavern lined with cells. She passed numerous emaciated prisoners, until she reached the cell at the end of the passage. WHO?

“I wanted to thank you for leading us to your son. He will be here soon, and you will watch while I suck the air from his lungs.” The prisoner lunged at her through the bars. She laughed hysterically and returned to the throne room. WHAT?

Govad entered the sleeping quarters with a leather satchel over his shoulder. “Soren. Driscoll. Grab your gear and get your lazy butts over here. The Queen of Darkness has work for us.” THE QUEEN OF DARKNESS? SOME SUBTLETY?

Two large hulking men slid off their bunk, threw their shirts on, and grabbed their things. WHAT THINGS? WEAPONS, SUPPLIES?

“You’re lucky she is your mother, or you would see what happens to people who talk to us like that” Soren growled as he intentionally bumped Govad’s shoulder on his way out the door. AWKWARD DIALOGUE.

“Head down to the docks, Jasper is meeting us there.” Govad rubbed his shoulder as he left the sleeping quarters.

Govad, Soren and Driscoll descended into a great cave at the base of the volcano [lit only by torches] AWKWARD CLAUSE, which was home to the Queens docks. The torches did not hold fire, but rather a ball of white light. Several crew unloaded the cargo ships and others loaded supplies onto the bireme. Jasper’s muscular frame and pale skin could be seen leaning against the bulwark. He barked orders at the crew. WHO?

“Where we headed, Jasper?” Govad asked as he climbed the gangplank.

“Well. We need to cross the prime rift a few miles outside the Elderwood.” Jasper joined Govad at the bow. SOME PERSONALITY IN THIS LINE, ONLY THROUGH THE USE OF "WELL"

“How much time do we have?” WHO SAID THIS?

“Seven days. Four to get us to Ahass, and three to the Elderwood.” WHAT, WHO?

“Soren. Driscoll. Go below deck and keep an eye on the crew, we don’t want unrest [among them] STOP ADDING UNNECESSARY CLAUSES.” Govad ordered before he examined the sixty-man crew, or prisoners, making sure that all of them were properly chained. “Jasper. Get this boat moving.”

“Men, oars out. You have four days to get us to Ahass. You fail, you will be executed. MORE INTERESTING BECAUSE HE CLIPPED A SENTENCE” Jasper took his place at the rudder as the boat lurched forward, the large lantern beaming with white light dangled from the bowsprit.

The boat sailed out of the cave, crossed the calm waters of the Silent Sound, and passed the Ring Islands, to open water.







...OK, it needs work. It is stilted and the dialogue is unnatural. Take the scene and act it aloud yourself a few times. Get dialogue that works. Then try to turn it into a scene.

I do not mean to sound excessively critical, but I can only give my honest opinion, and pretending I like something I don't is not only dishonest, but it is also detrimental to your future improvement. Good luck.

Please ignore any of this that is not useful.

Last edited by Chinspinner; 09-22-2017 at 07:49 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-23-2017, 02:55 AM
shana4 (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Rural Idaho
Posts: 7
Thanks: 4
Thanks 3
Default More details

I put my comments in italics. Hope some of it helps you.


“Your Majesty.” A short man stumbles through the throne room hatch trying to catch his breath.

Bebekai spun abruptly. “This better be important, Earo.” She strode over to her throne, intricately carved from the charred trees from the surrounding islands, and sat.


Maybe try 'intricately carved from the charred trees of the surrounding islands' instead. Using 'from' twice in a row is distracting.


“It is, my Queen. We found him. We found the second Master.” Earo rose from his knees as he spoke.

“Where?”

“The Other World.

“Excellent work Earo. Fetch Govad and inform Jasper of the location.” Bebekai rose from her throne and returned to her position at the edge of the volcanic crater. Earo hurried down the steps and closed the hatch.


We don't need all these names this early. She could just tell him to get a crew together.

The position of the throne is confusing in relation to the volcano. Maybe describe the throne room a bit here for us.


She would soon have the opportunity to put an end to the only person who could stop her. The feelings of joy that overwhelmed her, if you could call it joy, were
foreign yet familiar. She had not felt this way since… since she killed her brother.

Moments later Govad climbed through the hatch, made easy by his tall, slender frame. His dark skin blended with the walls of the crater.

“You summoned me?”

“My Son, I have a job for you.” She gracefully approached Govad. “We have finally found the Master. I need you to take Jasper and a few men to the Other World and bring him to me.”

“As you wish, Mother.” Govad bowed slightly and hurried towards the hatch.

“And don’t mess this up.” Govad glared at her before descending the stairs.


This line by the Queen does not sound authentic.


Bebekai, ensuring that no one else had entered the throne room, walked to the edge of the crater opposite the hatch and with a wave of her hand the ground sunk and revealed a staircase. She descended into a cavern lined with cells. She passed numerous emaciated prisoners, until she reached the cell at the end of the passage.


I think we need more description of this. Explain what you want us to picture.


“I wanted to thank you for leading us to your son. He will be here soon, and you will watch while I suck the air from his lungs.” The prisoner lunged at her through the bars. She laughed hysterically and returned to the throne room.


Too short of an exchange. The last sentence falls flat for me. A little more details.


Govad entered the sleeping quarters with a leather satchel over his shoulder. “Soren. Driscoll. Grab your gear and get your lazy butts over here. The Queen of Darkness has work for us.”


Would he really say 'lazy butts'? Sounds unrealistic.


Two large hulking men slid off their bunk, threw their shirts on, and grabbed their things.

“You’re lucky she is your mother, or you would see what happens to people who talk to us like that” Soren growled as he intentionally bumped Govad’s shoulder on his way out the door.


Again, does not sound like something a hulking man who worked for the Queen of Darkness would say. I also think he would do more than 'bump' Govad's shoulder.


“Head down to the docks, Jasper is meeting us there.” Govad rubbed his shoulder as he left the sleeping quarters.

Govad, Soren and Driscoll descended into a great cave at the base of the volcano lit only by torches, which was home to the Queens docks. The torches did not hold fire, but rather a ball of white light. Several crew unloaded the cargo ships and others loaded supplies onto the bireme. Jasper’s muscular frame and pale skin could be seen leaning against the bulwark. He barked orders at the crew.


What is this ball of white light?


“Where we headed, Jasper?” Govad asked as he climbed the gangplank.

“Well. We need to cross the prime rift a few miles outside the Elderwood.” Jasper joined Govad at the bow.

“How much time do we have?”

“Seven days. Four to get us to Ahass, and three to the Elderwood.”


This information seems unnecessary unless you are going to expand and tell us more about where they are going. We know they're headed to the other world, these names and days don't help us understand anything about the place.


“Soren. Driscoll. Go below deck and keep an eye on the crew, we don’t want unrest among them.” Govad ordered before he examined the sixty-man crew, or prisoners, making sure that all of them were properly chained. “Jasper. Get this boat moving.”

“Men, oars out. You have four days to get us to Ahass. You fail, you will be executed.” Jasper took his place at the rudder as the boat lurched forward, the large lantern beaming with white light dangled from the bowsprit.


Would he really execute them for not getting there fast enough? Who would row the boat back home?


The boat sailed out of the cave, crossed the calm waters of the Silent Sound, and passed the Ring Islands, to open water.


I think your idea is interesting and there is enough here to make me wonder about this world you have created and what is going on. The dialogue is unrealistic and the details are too sparse to properly set the scene for us. I would focus on those two things, personally. Hope this helps. Take what you think will work for you and forget the rest.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-24-2017, 07:47 PM
dtp81390 (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 24
Thanks: 0
Thanks 3
Default

Thank you all who have replied. This has been great help. As this is my first time writing anything like this all of this feedback is great.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 06:06 AM
What to call your work. (Flash 370 words) wrc Writers' Cafe 0 08-23-2015 03:35 PM
Summer is for Words pswgear Free Writing 4 03-19-2015 10:49 PM
Words at a Loss KBR Poetry 1 05-12-2012 02:38 AM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:07 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.