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Ghost

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Old 09-05-2017, 11:01 PM
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I have plans for this but feel they aren't rolling off the pen. We are gonna have time travel, parallel universes and more. Obviously I need to flesh it out and be more detailed. But do you think I should have a better interest to the main protagonist? I just sort of threw her in there. She is also supposed to be a bit bland.

Now I this bit has spoilers but here are some note;s
1. Ghost is girls mother coz cliches are fun
2. The girl is going to travel between life and death
3. The girl is going trade places with parallel worlds
4. She is also going to go back in time

So should I start at another point or is it enough to start here?



I looked down at my hands. I didn't even realise how much they were shaking. The Tsubaki task force was silent as if this was a calm before the storm. I looked over to each one. I didn't really know any of these people. Mavrik had sent me with them because of my sight, whatever that was. Not that this made me anymore different to these people.

My school uniform smelled of my chilled sweat. After this was done I was planning on having the longest shower. I must have been a good few years younger then some of these people but some of these people looked my age. My blazer was heavy but this place was too cold to take it off.

Some of the group had already caught a train ahead of us. Mavrik said its best to have two teams. One as a backup to get the others out. I was part of that team. Though it was hard to take him seriously in that yellow Hawaiian shirt. I played with my flip phone while waiting.

Not everyone here seemed to welcome me. Some of the guys seemed skeptical of me. Hell I seemed skeptical of me. Beverly though, she was the motherly type. Sure her hair had gone white with age and she wasn't the pleasantest looking of things. However I was glad for her as at least she was a reminder of what I never had. A mother.

My mother died in childbirth. I was quite premature and somehow survived. But my mother wasn't so lucky. Sometimes I wondered if I wasn't born would she have died? I was always told that she had a weak heart. The birth was just too much stress on it. My father never liked to speak about it.
Apparently this spirit was a mother as well. Her partner murdered her and her unborn baby.
“Are you okay sweety, you look chilled,” Beverly said. I looked up.

“I'm okay. It's just weird,” I said. “No one will talk to me.” She put her arm around me.

“That's just because they are unsure of you. Don't let it stress you out,” She said.

“I just wish they wouldn't make things so... awkward,” I looked over to the guys.

“They just need time to warm up.” She said. Before I could respond I heard a crash. The red door to the train swung open. I got off the stack of pallets and stood up. We all looked at each other.

“Do we go in?” The red headed guy said. He was tall and lean. In fact he and the other two guys could have been brothers apart from the hair.
“She seems to be inviting us.” Beverly said. The guys started walking in but I was frozen. My gut was telling me that this was a terrible idea. Something was wrong here. Very wrong.

“Come on Ghost Bait,” The red headed guy said. He pushed me in. The door closed behind us. Chills ran down my spine and I was infected with the most severe case of goosebumps. Everyone seemed complacent. Like this was normal. Would I become this desensitised? I sat down in a seat and stared out the window. It began to rain. Beverly sat next to me.

“Don't worry they call all the new people 'Ghost Bait.' People don't tend to stick around long.” She said. I looked up to the light. I wondered if she was implying they left but my gut told me far worse. The light flickered as the train moved. I couldn't shake this feeling that this night would not end the way we planned.

The train finally arrived. The doors opened and well all climbed off. We had landed at an abandoned factory. Around it was all dark. I looked back at the train and it had disappeared to my surprise. I didn't even hear it leave.
“You're in spirit town now, ghost bait,” Said the red head. I looked forward. Everything in my being told me to run back. But my eyes were fixated on the wooden door. It looked identical to one of my childhood doors before we moved to the city.

“Do you think they are in there?” One of the dark haired guys said. I walked forward and place my hand around the wooden handle. It felt identical too.
“I don't know if that's a good idea,” The redhead said. I turned it and pulled it open. The smell was what got me first. Sulpher and something rotten. I looked inside. The walls looked wet, like they were made from flesh themselves. They pulsed.

“Come closer my child,” all my chills and fears faded. That voice in my head. It was warm and luring me in. I stepped forward. A women in a white hospital gown held her arm out to me. I stepped forward. I couldn't see anything else. I was completely oblivious to everything else. Then I felt it. Someone grabbed my right arm. Something went through me. I looked forwards again. The womens face had decayed. Her short dark curls had thinned and looked wet. I looked back at her. That feeling overwhelmed me again. Everything around me disappeared.

She was in front of me. I still felt that hand on my arm but I couldn't see anything. Her head slowly turned to my right and her eyes were wide. My vision began to yellow and then it was black.

My eyes opened everyone had collapsed. The women was still there. Standing and staring. I stumbled to my feet and looked at everyone around me. I was scared they were dead. The women darted close to me. I would have flinched but I was fixated in the same position. The women was nose to me. Her eyes. I had seen them before. But I couldn't place it. I slammed my eyes shut trying to think The chilled sensation of her hand touched my face. I opened my eyes and saw a warm yet decayed sensation on her face. She place her hand on my stomach and smiled. Before I could say anything she began to fade away.

The place began faking. Someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me away.
“Come on,” The ginger guy said.

We got out side and saw the train there. We all began to run to it. I climbed in ad sat down. I looked around.

“Where's Beverly?” I asked. We looked over at the collapsing building. There was no way she could survive that. I felt a tear stream down my face.

“That was a stupid move,” The red head said.

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Old 09-06-2017, 05:06 AM
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There are some mistakes here, like 'the women was still there.' It should be either 'women were still there' or 'the woman was still there.' By the context I think it should be the latter. Also, you say its cold wherever this is happening yet there's a person in a Hawaiian shirt, which people normally wear when its warm. That jarred a bit. Perhaps that person won't feel the cold if he's a ghost, but your narrator might still remark that its odd in the cold.
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Old 09-06-2017, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by IanG View Post
There are some mistakes here, like 'the women was still there.' It should be either 'women were still there' or 'the woman was still there.' By the context I think it should be the latter. Also, you say its cold wherever this is happening yet there's a person in a Hawaiian shirt, which people normally wear when its warm. That jarred a bit. Perhaps that person won't feel the cold if he's a ghost, but your narrator might still remark that its odd in the cold.
the hawaiin shirt guy isn't a ghost. It was cold in the ghost world. Mavrik is in the real world. That just shows I need to sort of define a line between the two. Thanks.
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