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Old 06-01-2017, 03:18 PM
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So I have posted previous versions of this in the past. Basically this was my nanowrimo. It started off as an experiment. I wanted to write the story in the perspective of a teenage girl who happens to be a little ditzy. Anyway I feel like something is missing in the writing. I'm not sure if I'm over thinking it but I'd like a few opinions. (also I reuse my characters from other stories I've written).


Here are a few little segments. They may not make much sense without the rest of the story so don't focus on the plot too much. I'm worried the style may be too annoying to read.


Oh my god. So I was totally looking outside my window and my street seriously looked bizarre. It was like the street was totally coloured differently or something. I had only just woken up here yesterday morning. Anyway I seemed to be the only one here which was totally lame. What a bore. I missed shopping. I missed watching the boys kick ass at the game. But most of all I missed my lemony candy lollipops. Oh god what would I give for one of those delicious candy pops. But no. The world had to decide to be part of the lamest apocalypse ever and totally ruin my life. And it's only been two days. How much longer will I have to wait for something interesting to happen?
So basically I have been stuck here in my room with like no contact with the outside world except mittens of course. My super cutie pie kitten plushie. My mobile totally hasn't even had signal at all. I strutted myself to see the photo the class leaders club. I can't even call bitch face, in other words Chloe. Or even the love of my life a.k.a Tom. Though I am seriously so mad at him right now. Rumour says he got it on with bitch face at the last party and she totally confirmed it. Though I figured he would totally have better taste then a low life copy cat. Whatever.
And you're probably wondering how I know for sure that I am all alone here. I totally rode my bike around the few blocks here. But there s still totally no sign of anyone else. Today I am totally going to the shops though. I need to collect some rations. Or else I might die. Or even worse. I might have to eat the cola flavoured pops. Gross.
I ran down stairs. Yes today is the day. I will find my lemon flavoured delights. I burst through my door and totally grabbed my bike. I hated riding my bike in my cheer gear but my baby blue bike totally matched it and it's not like anyone was gonna be looking up my skirt or anything. This place was seriously deserted. But at this point I would totally be happy with that. I think it would be totally awesome to have any form of contact no matter how pervy it is.
The shops were totally in view when I like noticed that joke of a white van.
“Why did the first car I have to see be a hipster mobile?” I said. It was seriously the ugliest hunk of metal I've ever seen. I wheeled my bike over to it. “Well I might as well give this beaten up thing a purpose.” I leaned my bike against it. “There. That's better.” Spinning around I quickly skipped off to the shop. I totally can't let myself get fat and skipping is totally good exercise.
The bell ran as I pushed to door open. It was seriously spooky.
“Hello?” I called out. “Anyone home today?” This is totally weird. I like looked around and there was totally no one there so I walked over to the lollipops. Serious question. If no one is around to take your money is it actually stealing? I stashed the lollipops in my backpack. I walked over to the sunglasses stand and picked a pair of cheapskate budget sun glasses.
“If you love Gucci you'll love these? I like totally doubt that.” I strutted out the door. I lowered my glasses. Either I was totally hallucinating or some ginger kid was totally touching my bike. I totally began running over. This weirdo was not only touching my bike but he was another person. He looked over to me.
“Hey, that's my bike” I said. He totally did not look pleased to see me. His red hair was framed with his weirdo steam punk goggles. He wore jeans and a sweater and seamed to like earthy tones.
“And this is my car that you happened to be leaning it on,” his tone was very snarky. Totally not how you greet a lady. Usually guys were super nice to me because I'm so cute. I was even voted cutest on the squad. But this guy doesn't seem the pigtails type. What ever happened to chivalry?
“Well you should be happy then,” I said.
“Why would I be happy?” He asked. Crossing his arms.
“Because you have totally got the pleasure of meeting me.” I said twisting a pigtail. He rolled his eyes and turned to get into his car. “Hey wait. Where do you think you are going?” As if my flirting didn't woo him. Besides I totally couldn't let him go without and explanation.
“Home,” He said.
“Wait. What's your name?” I asked. He glanced at me. He totally looked bored. But he didn't start his car. He was actually very cute with his red hair and freckles. But his hipsterism was such a turn off.
“Ryden. You are?” he asked.
“Ashley,” I said with a smile.
“Well nice meeting you.” He said as he started his car.
“Wait? Where are you going?” But he didn't stop. “Well this blows.” I wondered if I would ever meet him ever again as I watched the hipster dream machine drive off.




I ran up my stairs. I totally could not stop thinking about Ryden. He was so totally dreamy but I couldn't think that. People like me don't get with people like him. Hipsters are totally lame. Specially steam punk hipsters. Besides I was with Tom. That being said Tom most likely cheated on me.
“Don't give me that look mittens,” I looked at my stuffed animal cat. She was the fluffiest thing ever and totally matched my room. I got changed into my light blue pyjamas. Today was a pale blue day. My favourite colour. Especially as I am a cheer leader on the Baby Blues squad. Sure I only just made it into try-outs But I totally still made the team.
“That's totally got to count for something right?” I laid down on my bed and picked up mittens. She was seriously good at blocking the light from my eyes.
“Do you think Tom actually cheated on me?” Part of me knows the douche bag probably did. I sat up and walked over to the photo, grabbed a pin and began working on the photo.
“I'm crossing you out Tom,” I said while I scratched his eyes out. “There. That's better.”
As I put the picture back on the wall I heard what sounded like a car.
“You don't think that's Rydens car do you?” I said to mittens. I totally needed to see so I ran over to the window. The white scrap was like in my driveway. “How did he know where I lived?” I asked mittens. There was totally a knock on the door so I ran down the stairs to open it.
“Hello?” I said. Ryden had totally bought some people with him. He looked at Mittens and gave me a look as he walked past. The ginger was totally judging me. They seriously all walked in as if I invited them. How rude. There was a girl who practically wrote the book on how to dress like a churchie and a guy who was totally a babe. Not in a traditional hot guy way. More in a dangerous vampire that fan girls would totally fight over way.
“This is way better then your place Ryden,” The guy said.
“Umm excuse me. But what are you guys doing here?” They seriously had seemed to just invite themselves. I followed them to my lounge.
“We should be asking you that,” The guy said. Is he actually serious?
“I like totally live here,” I said. It was seriously weird that Ryden had figured out where I lived. “How did you find where I lived anyway?” I asked.
“I bugged your bike,” Ryden said. Super creepy. Who were these people?
“That's so creepy you weirdo stalker,” I said.
“How long have you been here?” He asked totally ignoring my concerns.
“My whole life,” I had never moved house.
“I mean how long has it been like this for you?” he said.
“Umm it's like two days. Oh my god. I can't believe I missed the game.” I said.
“That's your biggest concern?” Ryden asked
“Well yeah. I am a cheer leader. How can they win if I can't cheer?” I said. He rolled his eyes.
“That explains the ridiculous out fit,” he said.
“Look who’s talking. Besides the Baby Blues totally have the cutest uniform okay.” I said.
“Anyway,” the other guy called out. “I am Reide and this is Marisa.” She waved.
“We needed somewhere to stay and figured, after Ryden mentioning you, that we would find you and let you have some interaction. So mind if we stay?” Marisa asked. I looked at them all.
“Okay, but no funny business.” I warned. Ryden rolled his eyes. “I'm going to bed.” I turned.
“ Wait. You didn't show us where we can sleep.” Marisa said. I yawned.
“Follow me,” I walked up the stairs. They followed me. “This is my sisters room and over there is my parents room.”
“What’s in there?” Ryden asked.
“My room. Good night.” I opened the door and closed it behind me. This was seriously weird. I climbed into my bed and looked over to mittens. “What do you think of them?”



It was morning. My absolute favourite time of the day. I was totally ready for anything. I was so happy as I had new friends. Well hopefully even though they are kind of unfashionable.
I got changed into my uniform. Hopefully someone will recognise it soon. I walked down the stairs. They were all down here. And they were totally setting up some nerd system on my table.
“Excuse me. What are you guys doing?” It was seriously rude that they didn't even ask. “Umm hello?” I said. They were clearly ignoring me. Totally unfair. I walked over to Ryden. “Earth to geekzoid?” I said as I waved my hand in front of his face. He was totally giving me the evil eye.
“What is it?” He said. His expression was so scary.
“It's just, what is all this junk and why is it here?” I asked.
“This junk is probably going to help us survive,” he said.
“I don't think I quite understand,” I was going to tell him to get it out but I heard a tapping at the door. “I wonder who that could be?” I chimed. I opened the door and was totally disgusted at the sight in front of me. Bitch face was standing in front of me. “What the hell are you doing here?” She walked past me.
“Jeese I was hoping you would be happy to see me,” Chloe had no right coming here after what she did. She sat down on my couch. “So what’s the deal guys?” I totally gave Chloe the stink eye. I will not be taken as a fool. Ryden got up from the nerd zone and came over to the couches. This stinks. I know I said I wanted people. But this totally isn't what I meant.
“What's your name?” Ryden asked. He seemed warmer and more welcoming to Chloe then me which sucked because I saw him first.
“Chloe,” She smiled. It was sickening watching her flirt with him. I sat down.
“That's a nice name. My car is named Chloe,” he said. He named that heap?
“You mean the hipster mobile has a name?” I mocked.
“Yes. It does,” he said. His tone was more annoyed now. It gave me chills. Ryden was kind of scary. “Anyway,” he turned back you Chloe, “How long have things been off for you?” She looked up at the ceiling.
“About two days?” she said.
“Interesting.” Ryden said. Ryden totally looked me over. “So you two know each other?”
“Unfortunately.” Chloe said.
“Bitch face totally stole my boyfriend.” I said. She totally looked proud of it as well.
“Well if you put out maybe he wouldn't have come to me,” what a total low blow.
“Okay. Well how about we separate you two.” Ryden said.
“Fine.” I got up and stormed up the stairs. But I totally left mittens down there so I had to run down, grab him and run back up again. I slammed my door and decided to hide under my covers. I heard a knock on my door and heard it open.
“Hello?” It was totally Marisa. I looked at her. “Well I was hoping you might have some spare clothes. I've been wearing these for quite some time now. And do you mind if I have a shower?” She has been the nicest so far and she is the only one who has actually asked for anything.
“Come in.” I said. Her smile lit up her face. She had a very pretty face but she needed a trim badly. It was split end galore on her scalp. Her mousy hair was obviously natural but she didn't take care of herself. I stood up and walked over to my closet. “What were you in mind for?”
“I was hoping for something comfortable that I can move in. This skirt is just so awkward.” She was in a green blazer and grey pleated skirt. She was obviously from a private school. I pulled out some jeggings I would never wear again and a white T-shirt
“These should be okay.” She smiled and nodded.

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Old 06-05-2017, 03:29 AM
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Mew <T.T>
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Old 06-26-2017, 08:17 AM
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Bump >:
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Old 06-26-2017, 11:43 AM
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Please Format.
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Old 06-27-2017, 03:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Mohican View Post
Please Format.
What does this even mean?
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Old 06-27-2017, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Filterdreaming View Post
What does this even mean?
I think it refers to the way the text could be presented.

What you have put up here are blocks and slabs of words with a few spaces.
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Old 06-27-2017, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Filterdreaming View Post
What does this even mean?

Let's make this easy for you:
Go to the Members Only Forum page.
Look at the first page of After a Southern Snow.
Note how that clever writer used spacing throughout the text to entice a reader's eye.

Hey, you just learned something.
Gee, ain't that some of what this site is about. huh?
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Old 06-27-2017, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Let's make this easy for you:
Go to the Members Only Forum page.
Look at the first page of After a Southern Snow.
Note how that clever writer used spacing throughout the text to entice a reader's eye.

Hey, you just learned something.
Gee, ain't that some of what this site is about. huh?


Mr. Pierce, do you think I am being too ... I dunno ... pushy?

Nick, is it your intent to help?


Well, yeah.
Yes it is.


Then relax, Nick.


Okay.
Thanks, P.


You are welcome, Nick.
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Old 06-30-2017, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Filterdreaming View Post
What does this even mean?
Going from this:
Oh my god. So I was totally looking outside my window and my street seriously looked bizarre. It was like the street was totally coloured differently or something. I had only just woken up here yesterday morning. Anyway I seemed to be the only one here which was totally lame. What a bore. I missed shopping. I missed watching the boys kick ass at the game. But most of all I missed my lemony candy lollipops. Oh god what would I give for one of those delicious candy pops. But no. The world had to decide to be part of the lamest apocalypse ever and totally ruin my life. And it's only been two days. How much longer will I have to wait for something interesting to happen?
So basically I have been stuck here in my room with like no contact with the outside world except mittens of course. My super cutie pie kitten plushie. My mobile totally hasn't even had signal at all. I strutted myself to see the photo the class leaders club. I can't even call bitch face, in other words Chloe. Or even the love of my life a.k.a Tom. Though I am seriously so mad at him right now. Rumour says he got it on with bitch face at the last party and she totally confirmed it. Though I figured he would totally have better taste then a low life copy cat. Whatever.
And you're probably wondering how I know for sure that I am all alone here. I totally rode my bike around the few blocks here. But there s still totally no sign of anyone else. Today I am totally going to the shops though. I need to collect some rations. Or else I might die. Or even worse. I might have to eat the cola flavoured pops. Gross.
I ran down stairs. Yes today is the day. I will find my lemon flavoured delights. I burst through my door and totally grabbed my bike. I hated riding my bike in my cheer gear but my baby blue bike totally matched it and it's not like anyone was gonna be looking up my skirt or anything. This place was seriously deserted. But at this point I would totally be happy with that. I think it would be totally awesome to have any form of contact no matter how pervy it is.
The shops were totally in view when I like noticed that joke of a white van.
“Why did the first car I have to see be a hipster mobile?” I said. It was seriously the ugliest hunk of metal I've ever seen. I wheeled my bike over to it. “Well I might as well give this beaten up thing a purpose.” I leaned my bike against it. “There. That's better.” Spinning around I quickly skipped off to the shop. I totally can't let myself get fat and skipping is totally good exercise.
The bell ran as I pushed to door open. It was seriously spooky.
“Hello?” I called out. “Anyone home today?” This is totally weird. I like looked around and there was totally no one there so I walked over to the lollipops. Serious question. If no one is around to take your money is it actually stealing? I stashed the lollipops in my backpack. I walked over to the sunglasses stand and picked a pair of cheapskate budget sun glasses.
“If you love Gucci you'll love these? I like totally doubt that.” I strutted out the door. I lowered my glasses. Either I was totally hallucinating or some ginger kid was totally touching my bike. I totally began running over. This weirdo was not only touching my bike but he was another person. He looked over to me.
“Hey, that's my bike” I said. He totally did not look pleased to see me. His red hair was framed with his weirdo steam punk goggles. He wore jeans and a sweater and seamed to like earthy tones.
“And this is my car that you happened to be leaning it on,” his tone was very snarky. Totally not how you greet a lady. Usually guys were super nice to me because I'm so cute. I was even voted cutest on the squad. But this guy doesn't seem the pigtails type. What ever happened to chivalry?
“Well you should be happy then,” I said.
“Why would I be happy?” He asked. Crossing his arms.
“Because you have totally got the pleasure of meeting me.” I said twisting a pigtail. He rolled his eyes and turned to get into his car. “Hey wait. Where do you think you are going?” As if my flirting didn't woo him. Besides I totally couldn't let him go without and explanation.
“Home,” He said.
“Wait. What's your name?” I asked. He glanced at me. He totally looked bored. But he didn't start his car. He was actually very cute with his red hair and freckles. But his hipsterism was such a turn off.
“Ryden. You are?” he asked.
“Ashley,” I said with a smile.
“Well nice meeting you.” He said as he started his car.
“Wait? Where are you going?” But he didn't stop. “Well this blows.” I wondered if I would ever meet him ever again as I watched the hipster dream machine drive off.


To This

Oh my god. So I was totally looking outside my window and my street seriously looked bizarre. It was like the street was totally coloured differently or something. I had only just woken up here yesterday morning. Anyway I seemed to be the only one here which was totally lame. What a bore. I missed shopping. I missed watching the boys kick ass at the game. But most of all I missed my lemony candy lollipops. Oh god what would I give for one of those delicious candy pops. But no. The world had to decide to be part of the lamest apocalypse ever and totally ruin my life. And it's only been two days. How much longer will I have to wait for something interesting to happen?

So basically I have been stuck here in my room with like no contact with the outside world except mittens of course. My super cutie pie kitten plushie. My mobile totally hasn't even had signal at all. I strutted myself to see the photo the class leaders club. I can't even call bitch face, in other words Chloe. Or even the love of my life a.k.a Tom. Though I am seriously so mad at him right now. Rumour says he got it on with bitch face at the last party and she totally confirmed it. Though I figured he would totally have better taste then a low life copy cat. Whatever.

And you're probably wondering how I know for sure that I am all alone here. I totally rode my bike around the few blocks here. But there s still totally no sign of anyone else. Today I am totally going to the shops though. I need to collect some rations. Or else I might die. Or even worse. I might have to eat the cola flavoured pops. Gross.

I ran down stairs. Yes today is the day. I will find my lemon flavoured delights. I burst through my door and totally grabbed my bike. I hated riding my bike in my cheer gear but my baby blue bike totally matched it and it's not like anyone was gonna be looking up my skirt or anything. This place was seriously deserted. But at this point I would totally be happy with that. I think it would be totally awesome to have any form of contact no matter how pervy it is.

The shops were totally in view when I like noticed that joke of a white van.
“Why did the first car I have to see be a hipster mobile?” I said. It was seriously the ugliest hunk of metal I've ever seen. I wheeled my bike over to it. “Well I might as well give this beaten up thing a purpose.” I leaned my bike against it. “There. That's better.” Spinning around I quickly skipped off to the shop. I totally can't let myself get fat and skipping is totally good exercise.

The bell ran as I pushed to door open. It was seriously spooky.
“Hello?” I called out. “Anyone home today?” This is totally weird. I like looked around and there was totally no one there so I walked over to the lollipops. Serious question. If no one is around to take your money is it actually stealing? I stashed the lollipops in my backpack. I walked over to the sunglasses stand and picked a pair of cheapskate budget sun glasses.
“If you love Gucci you'll love these? I like totally doubt that.” I strutted out the door. I lowered my glasses. Either I was totally hallucinating or some ginger kid was totally touching my bike. I totally began running over. This weirdo was not only touching my bike but he was another person. He looked over to me.

“Hey, that's my bike” I said. He totally did not look pleased to see me. His red hair was framed with his weirdo steam punk goggles. He wore jeans and a sweater and seamed to like earthy tones.

“And this is my car that you happened to be leaning it on,” his tone was very snarky. Totally not how you greet a lady. Usually guys were super nice to me because I'm so cute. I was even voted cutest on the squad. But this guy doesn't seem the pigtails type. What ever happened to chivalry?

“Well you should be happy then,” I said.

“Why would I be happy?” He asked. Crossing his arms.

“Because you have totally got the pleasure of meeting me.” I said twisting a pigtail. He rolled his eyes and turned to get into his car. “Hey wait. Where do you think you are going?” As if my flirting didn't woo him. Besides I totally couldn't let him go without and explanation.

“Home,” He said.

“Wait. What's your name?” I asked. He glanced at me. He totally looked bored. But he didn't start his car. He was actually very cute with his red hair and freckles. But his hipsterism was such a turn off.

“Ryden. You are?” he asked.

“Ashley,” I said with a smile.

“Well nice meeting you.” He said as he started his car.

“Wait? Where are you going?” But he didn't stop. “Well this blows.” I wondered if I would ever meet him ever again as I watched the hipster dream machine drive off.
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Old 06-30-2017, 10:39 AM
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Even formatted it reads like a giant Facebook post to me.
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Old 06-30-2017, 11:51 AM
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Good job.

He'll probably take that in and move on to great things.
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Old 09-05-2017, 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Mohican View Post
Even formatted it reads like a giant Facebook post to me.
well it is in the perspective of a teenage girl. So thanks?
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