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Bear-man and the Ninja Incident

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  #1  
Old 02-18-2017, 08:51 AM
spshane (Offline)
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Default Bear-man and the Ninja Incident


Andrew noticed nothing out of the ordinary about the sledge hammer or the rugged construction worker who carried it. A wooden handle and what appeared to be steel head. Nothing sinister. Not even a blood stain, where perhaps it had been recently used to crack someone's skull.
The construction worker, if that was his actual job, could have been a Rick, or James, or a Mike, or a David. White and, judging by his gut, likely a functional alcoholic. Dressed in faded jeans and a ripped Budweiser T-shirt, he staggered to the middle of the street, and raised his sledgehammer to the afternoon. “Barnacunala!”
He groaned as he slammed the sledgehammer into the street and opened the crater. The ground quaked, the nearby houses shook, birds scattered into the sky, and huge sections of asphalt fell away as a the ground gaped opened and swallowed park cars.
“Holy shit!” slipped out of Andrew's mouth, but before he could wipe the drool from his chin, disco music blared from the hole.
“Kiya!” Echoed through the air and in the next instant a ninja leaped from the crater. Tumbling like a Skywalker through the air in his decadent black garb, he landed on the sidewalk, jumped onto a parked car, and turned back to face the crater.
“Holy shit! Where the fuck did that ninja come from?” Not that Andrew really expected anyone to answer him.
“Gata-car-miga!” A voice shouted. I glanced back to the crater. A creature that looked more bear than man stood at the edge. A large bola hung from his fingers. “Fuck you, ninja!”
Ninja leaped to the top of a nearby telephone. “You need to calm....” Before Ninja could get words out, Bear-man's bola, knocked him out cold. He toppled from the telephone pole and landed headfirst with a disheartening crunch.
“That's for fucking my sister!” Bear-man shouted.
On a normal day, it would have ended there, but Ninja must have uttered some ultra-high-frequency ninja call that only other ninjas could hear just before he ate the bola.
Before Andrew could blink, another ninja—this one dressed in white—leaped from the crater.
“Holy fuck! How many ninjas are down there?” Again Andrew didn't really expect anyone to answer him.
White Ninja stood with his hands on his hips. “The fuck? Bear-man, you can't just walk around killing people.”
“Ninja fucked my sis-tarrrrrrrr.”
“Bear-man, you don't even have a sister! You have a brother...who dresses in women's clothig!”
“Ninja fucked my brutharrrrrrrr!”
“Oh, Jesus!” White Ninja threw up his hands. Even Andrew could see there was little use talking to Bear-man about it.
White Ninja let out this sound that was something between yawn and a meow and launched himself into this queer pose. Bear-man let out a groan as he hunkered down like an Ape trying to wipe his ass on the ground.
All at once a massive clattering, dust-stirring ruckus of punching and kicking broke out. White Ninja moved with impressive acrobatics, twirling and twist threw the air, but Bear-man remained a force of nature without his bola.
“Bear-man's got pretty good kung fu,” Andrew noted. His crouching and bending wasn't just cage tricks, but he really knew how to bust a move.
White Ninja drew his sword and the music stopped.
“Guys! Guys! Guys!” The construction worker—Rick, James, or whatever his name was—stepped in between White Ninja and Bear-man. He lifted his sledgehammer with a don't-make-me-use this expression. He pointed to the crater. “Guys, look at this shit! I'm gonna have to fill out an incident report.”
“Sorry, man,” Bear-man said. “I just get really angry sometimes.”
“And what about you White Ninja?” Rick-James-or-whoever asked. “Where's your fucking code of honor now?”
“Sorry, man. We ninjas are mostly peaceful, but sometimes we fuck people's sisters or their brother's who look like sisters, same diff. Anyway, sorry about that shit, man.”
Rick-James-or-whoever shrugged. “Well, help me fill in his fucking hole.”
Andrew noticed the fight had come to a peaceful end as Bear-man and White ninja grabbed shovels to help. He nodded. “Fuckin' A, guys!”
Bear-man looked up at him. “Fuckin' A.”
And then he finished his walk home.

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  #2  
Old 02-18-2017, 04:10 PM
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It couldn't be Rick James since he's been dead for years. Unless he's a zombie.
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Old 07-19-2017, 02:25 PM
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What the hell did I just read.
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Old 09-11-2017, 04:36 PM
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Hmm, makes me wonder if you are working on a comic book? Regardless of the wackiness of the story line itself, you nailed the visuals. I saw every line as a movie playing in my head. So great job on the writing skills.
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