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  #31  
Old 06-09-2016, 10:13 PM
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Anyone else read all seven chapters?

Please let me know what you thought or felt below...

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  #32  
Old 06-11-2016, 01:38 PM
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No offense, but Some parts seemed a little too fantastical for me personally. Like i dont see how you can drive a car with your knees if youre not looking where youre going, and how would you have the inside of the building gaurded but not the outside . Dont you think the gaurds would have heard the boards fall to the floor? . And it seems like the story was a bit rushed , like they gave you the whole main idea and plot if the story in just a few pages. Maybe its just me. I do like the sheer amount of action though ,so , i would probably read on. Well done for the most part.

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  #33  
Old 06-11-2016, 04:12 PM
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Cierra,

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

You've certainly made a few good criticisms worth considering for a re-write.

Cheers.
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  #34  
Old 06-13-2016, 06:33 AM
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Konan

I'm always curious about your work as your style is very similar to my own. I have a couple issues.
Your character development seems a bit rushed and perhaps not as well thought out as they could be. For example, Enigmus seems rather subtle. It then seems uncharacteristic of him to suddenly start chasing the police cruiser and shooting at it in a (I'm guessing here) a suburban area. It seems more suitable for him to be stealthy and follow from a distance rather than alert Sgt. Waters to his presence. Just a thought.

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  #35  
Old 06-13-2016, 07:37 PM
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Nox,

I thought about your suggestion for a while, but I think I'm gonna stick with what I have. I don't see much of a problem with it, as far as character development goes. Besides, changing it would ruin the way I've designed the peaks and valleys, and the affect I was going for would be lost if drastic changes were made to the string of action.

By the way, you didn't mention if you'd read more.

Did you read right to the end of Chapter 7?
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  #36  
Old 06-14-2016, 08:23 AM
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Konan

I have read all 7 chapters though i feel it could all be just one.

To me, Enigmus (great name by the way) seems off. He seems a little too compassionate and human to be an alien bounty hunter and appears to have a vested interest in the plight of John's real parents. If thats the case then bounty hunter is the wrong label for him. Perhaps that is what is throwing me off. As for the car chase, i think you need to be careful about putting in action for the sake of having action. There are other ways to heap on the suspense that will enhance rather than contradict the nature of your character.

"The little things are infinitely the most important." -Sherlock Holmes-

Nox
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  #37  
Old 06-14-2016, 05:12 PM
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Nox,

Thanks for the feedback.

However, I see nothing wrong with making a bounty hunter caring or vested in the best interests of his world. And if that breaks a stereotype I'm not aware of, all the better!

It's pretty clear we have different goals and approaches to writing. I work for one result and one result only, and, at least based on many of the comments here, it appears I've achieved that so far. Now I just gotta make sure the rest of the novel meets the same standard.
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  #38  
Old 06-29-2016, 08:36 PM
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Ok. I have a LOT of thoughts about this, and would be willing to give you a very in depth edit/opinion review, but I'll list some bullet points and let me know if you care to get that from me.

1: Just about everything Waters does here is illegal. If you know that, fine. It could easily be part of the characters motivation. If you don't know that do a bit of research. It would be more believable if he were FBI.

2: The dialogue bugs me. John isn't just overtly articulate, he is awkwardly articulate giving the intense situation he has just been thrown into. again, if you are fully aware of this cool, you can own that, but he comes off almost autistic.

3: this may be very personal taste, but I don't think waters would/should divulge SO much information to John up front. Kids are usually overlooked by adults, not trusted to comprehend complex situations, and by this given to more fear in such situations because of the ambiguity. I think these are factors that could make this a lot more intense and realistic without being dull or drawn out.

that being said I wouldn't keep reading as this is. your skill as a writer, and the premise are both amazing, but to me this felt more fun than intense, which isn't bad, just isn't for me.

Also! for me, the names were the least distracting part of this story if that helps! This goes for all my comments as well, knowing what age bracket and general tone you are aiming for will either make this piece appropriate or not.
It IS a lot of fun, so if its not meant to be a photo realistic thriller, have fun with it and definitely take liberty. if you want it to be more in line with greats, like "No Country For Old Men" (not that you should try to imitate such writers) then Id do more research on law, and tactical procedures, and just generally familiarize yourself with wider ranges of dialogue. I personally really struggle with dialogue.
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  #39  
Old 06-30-2016, 02:05 PM
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Thanks for sharing your opinions, Polaris.

How much of it did you read? Did you read all seven chapters, or stop somewhere before the end of the segment?

And if you didn't read it all, where did you stop?
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  #40  
Old 06-30-2016, 06:35 PM
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I did stop, which my make my critique void. Mid chapter 5
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  #41  
Old 06-30-2016, 07:50 PM
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Yes, I would continue reading. It captured me right away. In the beginning I couldn't wait to find out what the policeman wanted to question him about. Then then him taking him, the chase, Egnimus finding him. One thing confusing though. It had been raining, so the streets were wet, but when they sped off, screeching tires echoed down the block. Smoke and the smell of burnt rubber filled the air.
This part did not fit the scene.

It kept me captivated until I got to the end, wanting more.
Great Job!

RGC
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  #42  
Old 06-30-2016, 10:27 PM
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Well, here goes... I very rarely post here, and I also very rarely have time to read anything at all unless it's work related.

I had a super busy day today and really didn't have time to read 7 chapters.
In reply to your question "Would you keep reading?", the answer is oh you bet! I came back here after work to read all 7 chapters.

I do think that the writing itself could be tweaked here and there, but overall, I find the story line fascinating to a point where I want to keep reading beyond chapter 7, so when you add more, please do let me know
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  #43  
Old 07-01-2016, 03:47 AM
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Aren't you worried about somebody lifting off your story? Plagiarism is so dormant these days! Why not share only the synopsis first and share the story only with people who are genuinely interested and can be trusted? Just a thought
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  #44  
Old 07-01-2016, 09:47 AM
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RG Christmas,

Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.

And you're right about the wheels screeching on wet pavement. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll have to make some revisions there. I also originally had Enigmus do a wheelie in the rain, and someone pointed out that would be near impossible. So that was changed too. Very helpful suggestion.

cg admin,

Thanks so much for sharing your story. If you took time out of your busy day to read my work, I must be meeting my story goals and achieving the results I'm aiming for.

Thanks for reading.

Unfortunately, I won't be posting any more of the story here. But, if I get it published, I'll let those who are interested know what the title is.

Zoey141,

I'm not too worried about plagiarism. The first 15 pages of a novel isn't too useful to anyone. The worst that I see happening is someone using my first 7 chapters and writing their own version of what happens next. But then it would likely come across as two writers. Besides, anyone who would go to the trouble to write a full novel would probably rather write what they want to write rather than what I want to write about.
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  #45  
Old 07-01-2016, 09:57 AM
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But maybe I should take it down, just to be safe.

Thanks for the tip, Zoey.
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  #46  
Old 07-01-2016, 10:05 AM
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Besides, anyone who would go to the trouble to write a full novel would probably rather write what they want to write rather than what I want to write about.
Don't be too sure about that. I can easily find some examples of gross plagiarism and even one that got away with it, practically copying an entire (famous) novel, and she got cleared of charges. (Think Gone with the Wind and The Blue Bicycle)

Do let me know if ever you get it published
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  #47  
Old 08-26-2016, 02:51 PM
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I'm putting this back up.
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  #48  
Old 09-10-2016, 04:22 PM
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Well, that's rather harsh! I just tried to post a bit of comments (2 pages!) on your project and it... disappeared!

Well, suffice to say, it's got some work to go on it but shows promise.
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  #49  
Old 09-11-2016, 03:55 PM
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Too bad. I hate when that happens too.
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  #50  
Old 09-20-2016, 07:46 PM
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I would most definitely keep reading. In the beginning the chapters were very short and there was no way to really connect with that kid, I feel like just a little more with the kid would be good for the relationship between the reader and those beginning scenes. I like where the story is going though and think you have set the rest of the storyline up pretty well!
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  #51  
Old 09-21-2016, 03:25 AM
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Thanks for reading and commenting, mandapanda!

I think you may have hit the nail on the head ... I probably should add a little more introduction so the reader has a better chance to connect with the kid before I jump into the action.

Any suggestions on that? Like, how much space should I give to it ... a chapter, two chapters?
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  #52  
Old 09-23-2016, 04:01 AM
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I kept reading. Moonshine for a family name?
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  #53  
Old 10-11-2016, 06:30 PM
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Glad to hear it, Eric.

Yeah, Moonshine ... I changed that to Fisher.
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  #54  
Old 01-21-2017, 08:37 PM
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I'm thinking about submitting this story to more agents after I got mostly rejections on the first round.

But I'm curious ... any more opinions on it?
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  #55  
Old 01-22-2017, 01:35 PM
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To answer your question: no.
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  #56  
Old 01-26-2017, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
To answer your question: no.
That's because you have bad taste.
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  #57  
Old 01-26-2017, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Konan View Post
That's because you have bad taste.
Ha. No.
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  #58  
Old 03-27-2017, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
Ha. No.
Yes. :P
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  #59  
Old 03-27-2017, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Konan View Post
Yes. :P
Still no, but thanks for moving the conversation forward. lol
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  #60  
Old 03-27-2017, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by moonpunter View Post
Still no, but thanks for moving the conversation forward. lol
Hey, I'm always looking to progress things.
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