WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.


Two Lovers Outside in a Dry Thunderstorm...

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 12-23-2013, 04:27 AM
ericjohn's Avatar
ericjohn (Offline)
Noteworthy
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 341
Thanks: 221
Thanks 52
Send a message via ICQ to ericjohn Send a message via Yahoo to ericjohn
Default Two Lovers Outside in a Dry Thunderstorm...


This came to me in a dream I had in late 2006. I remember having several dreams of similar nature. I posted descriptions of several on myspace. Before I met Jennifer; I would frequently have dreams where I was with a girl or woman but then something would kill her. She would usually die in my arms immediately after. I can only speculate what was the driving force behind those dreams, but I am not going to at the moment. I wrote this story off the top of my head yesterday even thought it had passed through my mind for a few years. Remember, this came to me in a dream, which means that impossible and unnatural thing can happen. There is, in fact, an event that is scientifically impossible. Let's see if you can find it. And, no, it is NOT the "dry" thunderstorm, because there is such an event. I was reading about weather and came across an article on the subject. So, here it is, submitted for your approval:


The night was hot and miserable. There was an air was an unquenchable dryness and the night sky a dark void. A thick scratchy wind was blowing incessantly. The lightening of the dry thunderstorm flashed fiercely and disrupted the line current. Very leary of Carbon Monoxide my family refused to by a generator. The inside of our house was unbearably hot. To escape it; we decided to take the risk and stand outside on the carport. There we stood clinging to and facing each other. I was admiring her with great passion. I stared deeply into her sweet brown eyes. I gently caressed her porcelain skin and petted her smooth, silky auburn hair. I kissed her crimson lips. I held her petite body close to me and whispered "This is a bad idea. We could easily be struck." She nodded, kissed me and then replied "I know, but I can't stop holding you." I squeezed her body close to mine and she said "Don't ever let go." I replied, most genuinely "Perish the thought, I love you forever!" She brushed her face against my chest and said "And I love you forever. Yes, I most certainly do!" I repeatedly kissed her forehead and she moaned with pleasure. Suddenly came a bolt of lightening came from the east and struck her on the side. Her beautiful, live body which was in my arms a fractional second before became vapor and ash that instantly blew away in the wind. In grief and anger I violent cursed. Suddenly, I woke up, alone.

__________________
"The ability to provoke emotions is a wonderful gift."

Last edited by ericjohn; 04-10-2014 at 09:11 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-23-2013, 10:32 AM
Cloverish's Avatar
Cloverish (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sin City
Posts: 445
Thanks: 9
Thanks 82
Default

I'm taking a hug leap here but humans don't turn into vapor when hit with lightning?

Okay, I like the description here, but you need to break up the lines for speakers. Each new dialogue break it!

Oh and commas after she replied, "...."
I said,"...."

Suddenly came a bolt of lightening came from the east This line here should be changed up, probably just delete the second came

You use 'I' a lot.

But I like it. Dreams are always great when you can recall them in such vividness
__________________
It's funny... I realize all my mistakes after I send my work away.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Cloverish For This Useful Post:
ericjohn (12-25-2013)
  #3  
Old 12-24-2013, 07:24 AM
superduckdude (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 8
Thanks: 0
Thanks 3
Default

a few grammatical errors but nonetheless a good narrative (perhaps because it based off such a vivid dream?)
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to superduckdude For This Useful Post:
ericjohn (12-25-2013)
  #4  
Old 12-25-2013, 10:31 AM
ericjohn's Avatar
ericjohn (Offline)
Noteworthy
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 341
Thanks: 221
Thanks 52
Send a message via ICQ to ericjohn Send a message via Yahoo to ericjohn
Default

Originally Posted by Cloverish View Post
I'm taking a hug leap here but humans don't turn into vapor when hit with lightning?
I know that is not what happens in reality, but that is what happened in the dream. Thank you for pointing that out though.

Originally Posted by Cloverish View Post
Okay, I like the description here, but you need to break up the lines for speakers. Each new dialogue break it!

Oh and commas after she replied, "...."
I said,"...."
I know my grammar isn't always perfect, but I am always willing to improve. Thank you for the help and I will correct it as soon as I get settled in (I just moved into a new place.)

Originally Posted by Cloverish View Post
Suddenly came a bolt of lightening came from the east This line here should be changed up, probably just delete the second came
Sorry, that is a typo. Thanks, though.

Originally Posted by Cloverish View Post
But I like it. Dreams are always great when you can recall them in such vividness
I like being able to dream with such vividness. My childhood memory is also very vivid, which sometimes shocks everyone in my family.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
__________________
"The ability to provoke emotions is a wonderful gift."
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-25-2013, 10:35 AM
ericjohn's Avatar
ericjohn (Offline)
Noteworthy
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 341
Thanks: 221
Thanks 52
Send a message via ICQ to ericjohn Send a message via Yahoo to ericjohn
Default

Originally Posted by superduckdude View Post
a few grammatical errors but nonetheless a good narrative (perhaps because it based off such a vivid dream?)
I know, forgive the sub par grammar. I really wish that I could be better with that. I have been taking the advice of others on here about being more descriptive. It is NOT as hard as I initially thought it would be. As soon as I get settled in to my new place and get the internet turned on; I will be on here more often.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
__________________
"The ability to provoke emotions is a wonderful gift."
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-25-2013, 11:47 AM
Polaris's Avatar
Polaris (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Findlay OH
Posts: 362
Thanks: 124
Thanks 70
Default

Ok so I LOVE the idea of this, I think it's written well however it could be drawn out a bit. I know u said you wrote it quickly so that's why it is a bit raw, but please do go back and work on this. I think with some spaces and more detailed descriptions you could make this piece a tad longer and more powerful. Some of the descriptions made it confusing, using the word "moan" takes it from passionate and endearing and makes it feel almost erotic, so I felt confused and that distracted from the overall climax (yes climax makes my critique seem erotic so I guess I'm a hypocrite haha) ok so that's my 2 cents. Liked the read so thank u
__________________
Everyone has within themselves an infinite
amount of potential for good, Evil
and worst of all, mediocrity
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Polaris For This Useful Post:
ericjohn (01-27-2014)
  #7  
Old 12-25-2013, 12:21 PM
AnyaKimlun's Avatar
AnyaKimlun (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: North East Scotland
Posts: 6,943
Thanks: 2,739
Thanks 1,456
Default

Originally Posted by ericjohn View Post


The night was hot and miserable. There was an air was an unquenchable dryness and the night sky a dark void.
Try to reword it to remove the passive/past perfect tense. For example: On a hot miserable night an unquenchable dryness clung in the air. The night sky a dark void.

One of the easiest ways to bring in interest and remove the issue is to bring in a character:

Freddie wiped the sweat from his brow as he sat on the roof of his bunker. All round him an unquenchable dryness hung in the air. He looked up into the dark void of the night's sky.

thick scratchy wind was blowing incessantly.
It's wind we know it is blowing incessantly. As it is blowing who is affecting? What is blowing? Are there trees, is it rattling the window frames or blowing the sand across the desert?

The lightening
Fairly sure you mean lightning. Lightening is when the head of the fetus engages in the pelvis in the weeks prior to being delivered.


of the dry thunderstorm
Yeah we get it is dry. Most readers aren't idiots you don't need to beat them over the head with the same information again, and again.


Very leary of Carbon Monoxide my family refused to by a generator.
Whose family? This comes out of nowhere. There has been no character to connect with. Now we find out the piece is in first person and that someone has a family.

The inside of our house was unbearably hot. To escape it; we decided to take the risk and stand outside on the carport.
Why is it a risk? we already know it is hot. Describe more about the character and how they feel hot. Is the sweat clinging their clothes to them? Characters have five senses just like we do: Sight, smell, touch, hearing, taste. Try to use them all.

There we stood clinging to and facing each other. I was admiring her with great passion.
Who stood clinging and facing each other?
You're expecting me to care that a character I don't yet care about is clinging to someone. I don't know who they are or why they are there. Who is she? Is this a lesbian relationship? Heterosexual? Maybe he's in drag or a werewolf? Or even a Zombie - erotic romance did a very popular line.

I stared deeply into her sweet brown eyes. I gently caressed her porcelain skin and petted her smooth, silky auburn hair. I kissed her crimson lips. I held her petite body close to me and whispered "This is a bad idea. We could easily be struck." She nodded, kissed me and then replied "I know, but I can't stop holding you." I squeezed her body close to mine and she said "Don't ever let go." I replied, most genuinely "Perish the thought, I love you forever!" She brushed her face against my chest and said "And I love you forever. Yes, I most certainly do!" I repeatedly kissed her forehead and she moaned with pleasure.
The dialogue needs splitting up - each speaker gets their own line. It's confusing especially given the nature of the scene. All your sentences begin with I or She so it flows incredibly badly. What you have started to get right is remembering the senses. But you can take that further. What did her lips taste like. Again consider making the dialogue snappier. They are kissing:
"This is a bad idea."
"I know."
"We could be struck."
"Don't let go. Ever. Love me forever."
"I do."


Suddenly came a bolt of lightening came from the east and struck her on the side.
That was fast. One minute he's kissing her on the forehead and next minute she's about thirty-five weeks pregnant.

Her beautiful, live
Lithe not live. I'd like more description of her body earlier. What is she wearing was it tight to her breasts, does she have large hips, slightly plump etc

body which was in my arms a fractional second before became vapor and ash that instantly blew away in the wind. In grief and anger I violent cursed the weather and God. Suddenly, I woke up, alone.
I'd expect more. This is his love forever that moments earlier he was swearing undying love to. She's been struck by lightning and evaporated which doesn't usually happen. Shock, fear, look at his hands, back away, panic, scream - what did he curse the weather and God with?

Agents aren't fans of dream sequences as openers and they need to be exceptional to catch interest. If he is sleeping it would have worked well if you had, had him lying in bed in the dry air, bed soaking, tossing and turning through the sequence.

Readers generally don't like to be surprised with he woke up... But if you go with it how did he come round? Bolt upright? Check where he is? Rubbed his eyes etc

Last edited by AnyaKimlun; 12-25-2013 at 12:24 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-01-2017, 10:55 AM
ericjohn's Avatar
ericjohn (Offline)
Noteworthy
Official Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 341
Thanks: 221
Thanks 52
Send a message via ICQ to ericjohn Send a message via Yahoo to ericjohn
Default

UPDATE:

We were all alone in my family’s house. It was a hot and miserable night. There was an unquenchable dryness in the air and the night sky a dark void. A thick, scratchy wind blew incessantly. Dust and leaves were flying everywhere. The lightning of a dry thunderstorm flashed fiercely and disrupted the line current. My family refused to install a generator, as they were very leery of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Having no circulated air made the inside of the house unbearably hot. I pulled my flashlight from the pocket of my slacks as I buttoned them. I then put a gray tee shirt on and we walked out of the dark house by the yellowish white beam of my flashlight. We decided to take the risk and stand outside on the carport, where it would be cooler than inside. There we stood clinging to each other. We were lost in each others’ faces. I was admiring her with great passion. I stared deeply into her sweet brown eyes. I gently caressed her porcelain skin and petted her smooth, silky auburn hair. I adored her perky breasts and plump buttocks. I kissed her crimson lips.


I held her body close to mine and whispered in her right ear, “This is a bad idea. We could easily be struck.”


Her cream colored negligee danced in the wind as she reluctantly nodded and kissed me then replied “I know it’s dangerous out here, but I can’t stop holding you.”



We squeezed each other tightly with much affection and she continued, “Don’t ever let go of me.”


I, most genuinely, replied “Perish the thought, I love you forever!”


She brushed her face against mine then placed her hands under my shirt, as she rubbed the hairs on my chest. She then spoke “And I love you forever. Yes, I most certainly do!”


I softly kissed her forehead and she moaned with immense happiness.
Suddenly, there came a bolt of lightning from the east and struck her side. Her beautiful, living body which was in my arms a fractional second before was reduced to vapor and ash.



The winds scattered her ashes asunder.


With great anguish, I violently cursed the weather and boldly questioned God.
Suddenly, I woke up, alone and sad…
__________________
"The ability to provoke emotions is a wonderful gift."
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Two Lovers Caught Outside in a Tornado ericjohn Free Writing 2 12-06-2013 07:36 PM
Doo Wop Lovers: Must See Interview Cityboy Free Writing 0 05-11-2013 06:48 PM
Would be lovers bennyroberts Poetry 5 04-10-2012 02:32 PM
Silent Lovers Gessekai Fiction 6 04-12-2010 04:01 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 06:58 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.