WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


in transit

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 09-07-2017, 03:52 AM
Leila (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Left
Posts: 145
Thanks: 25
Thanks 48
Default in transit


track it in,
the dirt of that old,
dead-end country;

the soil
of the motherland
persists into
another land.


shake it off,
the native dust
that would not honour
you,

and it flies back
in your eyes.

that merciless birth-right
does not give you up.

you wait in vain
for the shipment
of the new;

your old address is all
that anyone
remembers.

__________________
There is nothing more overwhelming than this attraction of the abyss - Jules Verne
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Leila For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (09-07-2017), Myers (09-07-2017)
  #2  
Old 09-07-2017, 11:17 AM
Myers's Avatar
Myers (Online)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,845
Thanks: 349
Thanks 364
Default

That's pretty great. You're really on a roll.

But iDrew told me to tell you the lines are too short.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-07-2017, 01:39 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,454
Thanks: 2,012
Thanks 1,073
Default

So subtle.

Keep taking the poetry pills - they're working.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
Myers (09-07-2017)
  #4  
Old 09-08-2017, 06:57 AM
Leila (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Left
Posts: 145
Thanks: 25
Thanks 48
Default

Thanks to you both!
__________________
There is nothing more overwhelming than this attraction of the abyss - Jules Verne
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-18-2017, 11:09 AM
JP_Inkswell's Avatar
JP_Inkswell (Offline)
Scribbling Master
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Old Virginny
Posts: 911
Thanks: 25
Thanks 229
Default

It needs more imagery. ( We live in an unsubtle age. )
__________________
A Wise Dragon Goeth Not Unarmed in the Land of the Make Believers.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-19-2017, 12:52 AM
Leila (Offline)
Abnormally Articulate
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Left
Posts: 145
Thanks: 25
Thanks 48
Default

Probably could do with a stronger ending.
__________________
There is nothing more overwhelming than this attraction of the abyss - Jules Verne
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-19-2017, 02:11 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,454
Thanks: 2,012
Thanks 1,073
Default

Originally Posted by Leila View Post
Probably could do with a stronger ending.
I disagree.

I think that's a powerful line - understated and elegant through it.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grace Gabriel For This Useful Post:
Leila (10-03-2017)
  #8  
Old 09-19-2017, 11:37 AM
kev's Avatar
kev (Offline)
The Next Bard
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Hull UK
Posts: 440
Thanks: 131
Thanks 72
Default

Nail on the head Grace. The last verse is the one that's quietly solid. I like the meaning and have felt similar to what the poem expresses in my years travelling from country to country, yet rarely ending up in the one intended. I've had lifts from some crazy people, but also from genuine ones. Collecting life experience on the way. It's this that I relate to in the poem and what's made me who I am. You can abandon where you come from, but it doesn't abandon you. Cracking last verse Leila, perhaps the previous ones need more clear expression.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to kev For This Useful Post:
Leila (10-03-2017)
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
(Part 1) Harrison's Transit chat bot Fiction 5 08-24-2014 12:41 AM
In Transit Nee Poetry 12 07-01-2013 09:58 AM
My Transit of Carole bicyclingfish Poetry 2 09-30-2012 01:26 PM
Venus in Transit - flash 650 words Ricardo GR Fiction 18 09-08-2012 01:38 PM
Transit dwalker8508 Fiction 2 01-20-2012 01:39 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 04:53 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.