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Am I Doing Something Right With These Characters?

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Old 01-26-2016, 04:32 PM
DwayneA (Offline)
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I'm still writing the story for a mod that I am making for a first person shooter. I am currently working on part 2 of the trilogy. In fact, I have been working on part 2 for several years now. In the future when I have completed the trilogy, I plan to write a trilogy of books based on the mod trilogy.

I will discuss a little bit of some of the most important characters in the story for part 2 so far and I would appreciate some feedback as to if I am going right with them and if they sound interesting. Some suggestions would also be welcome.

-The protagonist is a young gunsmith who is still haunted by his failure to save his lover from death at the hands of a powerful religious army that the two of them were part of when she refused to utilize all her training against humanity, especially against her own family (I actually posted an excerpt of this moment on this website). Grief-stricken by his failure to save her and enraged by her senseless death together with the realization to the truth of the organization, he now dedicates his life to waging a one-man war on them to honor her memory.
In playing a part in the downfall of their founder, he undid the curse over an entire realm and became a hero. However, when that world comes under siege from the army, he is forced back into conflict. The battle this time is even more personal for him because his closest friend within the army is now a luitenant and his arch-rival (who is also one of his lovers executioners) commands the army itself. He finds himself wondering if by freeing the people of the realm he only exposes them to even greater danger, and also fears what would happen if the people who depend on him as their champion discover the truth about his former ties to the army invading them. He also befriends a young woman who bears a striking resemblance to his dead lover and vows to keep her safe.
During the story, he questions whether or not he truly is a hero and deserves the praise of the people, wondering if his meddling has only made things worse and sealed the doom of not only this alternate world, but of all mankind. He also questions whether he truly is fighting for the greater good or mostly because of his own agenda for vengeance. The final battle will determine whether he is the savior humanity needs or the harbringer of its doom.

-A young woman who is the daughter of an innkeeper in the realm who befriends the protagonist. When the army invades her home kingdom, her father is killed and the inn is burned to the ground. Having nothing left, she joins the protagonist in his fight, in a way, she becomes the warrior that his lover would have become had she survived.
In her past she had fallen in love with a man who ultimately spurned her because of her social status, even going so far as to abandon her in a time when she needed protection, her former lover went on to marry another woman, leaving her feeling depressed and worthless. Despite the fact that the protagonist bears a resemblance to her former lover, she knows that he is a completely different person from the man who scorned her love.
The protagonist teaches her how to use his weapons so she will be able to defend herself. Though she finds herself drawn to the protagonist, she understands that he is still grieving from the loss of a loved one. She envies him for having been loved in return.

-A watchman from another kingdom who fled when his kingdom was attacked by the army, hurrying to get the news to his cousin, a former resident of the kingdom who is now the queen of his homeland's neighboring kingdom. Branded a coward and a deserter by many, he falls into despair after a messenger delivers the news that he is now banished from his kingdom and feeling that he has brought shame upon his family.
However he finds his redemption through his relationship with the daughter of his harshest critic. Inspired by the deeds of the protagonist, a publicly speaks out against the army during the time when the kingdom is under their control. He is taken prisoner by them together with his lover, but he helps her escape with the help of a magical teleportation stone given to him by an ancient wizard who provides counsel for his cousin and her husband during the war. At the same time he refuses to save himself in penance for abandoning his homeland. His actions redeem him in the eyes of all his critics. He goes on to become one of the greatest heroes of the war, a brave man ready to put his life on the line for the realm.

-A female city guard whose father is captain of the guard. Despite her status as the captain's daughter and the fact that she is one of the best fighters among all the guards, she isn't very well respected due to the soft-hearted bleeding heart personality. She also doesn't have a close relationship with her father because he puts his duty to the kingdom above everything else, though she does long for her father's love. She has served her kingdom for eleven years since she was sixteen. She joined so she would be able to protect those close to her heart (her closest friends died from a violent crime). Ironically, even despite her skill, she was unable to save her mother and the grandparents who raised her, a failure that weighs heavily upon her heart, something all her comrades senses.
Unlike many others, she does not scorn the former watchman from a neighboring kingdom, both sympathizing and empathizing with him due to knowing how it feels to fail those who depend upon you. Their friendship blossoms into romance, however when he declares his love for her, she finds herself unable to reciprocate even despite feeling exactly the same towards him due to her belief that anyone she loves will die because of her failure to protect them. When he helps her escape while staying behind himself, she falls into despair believing him dead. Later when she joins an army of guards who attack the army's main base (thanks to the teleportation stone) after learning that he is still alive (thanks to a magical charm to allow long distance communication) she intervenes in a confrontation between the protagonist and the army's top ranking elite female soldier. In a true testament of feminine strength, she defeats her opponent. She later rescues the watchman from the dungeon and stays by his side as he recovers. No longer able to deny how she truly feels and seeing how close she came to losing him, she professes her love for him, her father finally giving them his blessing.
Gradually, during the story, she earns the respect of her comrades and finally the approval and love of her father. At one point, her love for the watchman has become so powerful that she is prepared to sacrifice herself fighting a battle she cannot win in order to protect him, deciding that she would rather lose her life than fail another loved one. When her father is killed during another attack on the kingdom, she is appointed the new captain of the guard. With help from her lover and the aid of a magical ring that allows her to summon and speak to the spirits of those she is related to by blood, she finally comes to understand and accept that she is not to blame for the deaths of her mother, grandparents, and friend in the past. Accepting her new duty to the kingdom she loves, she leads her comrades to a victory, and later together with her lover fights alongside the protagonist in the final battle.

-The captain of the guard who puts duty to the kingdom above all else. Years ago, when he was a young recruit, he fell in love with another recruit. However their relationship became strained due to their overwhelming duty to the kingdom. When his lover became pregnant, the resulting scandal disgraced their families. He was disowned by his parents and never got the chance to reconcile with them. Shortly after their daughters birth, he and his lover realized that they would never be able to look at each other again without being reminded of the shame they had brought upon each other's family and made the mutual agreement to end their romance. Since they could never properly raise their child, they left their daughter in the care of her maternal grandparents.
After many years of service, he became captain of the guard. Over the years, he and his former lover tried to avoid each other, but it was obvious that they still loved and cared about each other, though they dared not rekindle their romance. They were also heartbroken to watch their daughter grow without her parents and they could not raise her as their own. They were surprised when their daughter later became a new recruit at sixteen. Though he longed to have an actual relationship with his daughter, he was held back by fear and the memory of the past scandal of having a child out of wedlock. His former lover however took the chance of finally establishing a relationship with their child after eleven years of her service to the kingdom.
He is greatly saddened when his former lover is among those killed during an attack by the king's former royal advisor who has gained supernatural powers. Still, unlike his daughter, he will not allow sentimentality to govern his actions or cloud his judgment when the kingdom needs him.
He does not approve of his daughter's relationship with the former watchman from the neighboring kingdom, seeing him only as a coward who abandoned his kingdom, only to change his tune when the watchman sacrifices himself to save his daughter. Sympathizing with his despairing daughter, he confesses to her the truth about his relationship with her mother that they were never married and she is illegitimate. He begs for forgiveness for being a better soldier than a father, saying fear and pride held him back from getting close to her. Father and daughter reconcile and finally begin to grow close and form an actual relationship. He remains proud of her even after he is killed in battle, finally reuniting with his lover in the afterlife.

-An ancient wizard over fifteen centuries old who is among the last remnants of a bygone era where his kind were hated and feared for their powers and near-immortality. It is revealed that he is the elder brother of the story's main antagonist and that their father is the most evil practicioner of the dark arts who ever lived in the kingdom.
He suffers from extreme guilt and regret, blaming himself for what his brother has become. Many years ago, he taught a young woman, his brother's lover, several spells with which she used to save her kingdom that was suffering the worst drought and plague ever. However she was burned at the stake as a witch. His brother blamed him for her death and together with their father, they exterminated the entire human population of two kingdoms. Though he fled from the wrath of his father and brother to escape their wrath, he later realized that the rest of the realm would have paid a terrible price for his own cowardice. Even after his brother was slain and his father stripped of his powers and banished to another world, he could not bring himself to return to his homeland, instead remaining in self-imposed exile.
Later in the story's climax, he is forced to confront his own brother, and even offers his own life in exchange for sparing the rest of the humans who live in the realm, an offer his brother refuses, forcing him to fight on behalf of the humans, not wanting anymore blood staining his hands.

-The army luitenant, a former friend of the protagonist was once a good man, but when his wife and unborn child were killed during a mugging and he was blamed and condemned for it, it transformed him into a bitter hateful man. He and the protagonist end up on opposing sides of the conflict. Ironically, the man who killed his wife and unborn child is also a member of the army, making revenge impossible without being branded a traitor, forcing him to take revenge upon his former friend in retaliation for his role in the death of the man who saved him from an unjust execution. Failing, he is captured and imprisoned.
After being tried for crimes against the kingdom and sentenced to death, the protagonist helps him finally realize that he is no better than the man who killed his wife and unborn child (with help from a magic ring allowing him to speak to his deceased wife who passes judgment and condemnation on him for his actions). Ultimately, he chooses to fight alongside the protagonist where he finally avenges the death of his wife. Though he ultimately redeems himself in the final battle, he loses his life in the process.

-The commander of the army is a man who was considered a failure and disappointment in the eyes of his father. He could never compete with his own brother who got all the praise, respect, and success that he was denied in life, even in the family business. The last straw came when the woman he loved left him for his brother and he wasn't even invited to the wedding because his father and brother had disowned him, seeing him as an embarrassment to the family. On the verge of suicide, he was saved by the founder of a religious society who offered him a chance to make something of himself.
Now he is the army's commander and top elite soldier. His experiences in the past as well as his success in the army have made him arrogant, egotistic, and a narcissist who cannot tolerate anyone surpassing him. Slowly, he is driven to madness during the story by the failure of his troops to dispatch the protagonist, even going so far as to demand being addressed properly by his ran. Deciding that killing the protagonist is no longer enough, he decides he must destroy his enemy's heroic reputation. He coerces the protagonist into recovering an artifact that imprisons the soul of an evil wizard who had once controlled the soul of the army's founder, threatening to expose the secret of his former ties to the army.
Ultimately, his own arrogance leads to his downfall as his strategy fails. Even when the protagonist himself is forced to reveal his own secret, it does nothing to tarnish his reputation due to all his heroic deeds. The commander also loses the respect of all his troops, and during the final assault, the few surviving soldiers under his command blame him for the destruction of their army which drives him over the edge, having lost everything and is once more a failure just as he was in the past. He is the last of the killers of the protagonist's lover against whom the protagonist exacts revenge upon, finally avenging her death.

-The main antagonist of the story was once the greatest knight the realm had ever known, but his lover was executed as a witch despite having used her powers to save the kingdom, it marked the beginning of his fall from grace. Like the protagonist, it was his failure to save his love that changed the course of his life. He chose to forsake his knightly vows and took up the dark arts as one of the most power wizards to have ever lived, second only to his father. Not only does he wield powerful magic, he also is in possession of the most powerful and feared weapon in the land, a sword said to possess the power of a vengeful god. Though he has vowed to exterminate humanity in revenge for the death of his love, much of his hatred is focused on his elder brother whom he blames for her death.
Due to the protagonist unwittingly and unwillingly aiding in freeing his imprisoned soul and returning him to flesh and blood, and the fact that he too is driven by the death of his lover, he does not see the protagonist as his enemy, but rather as a potential ally and offers him a chance to return to once more take his place amongst the army the abandoned.
After once more reclaiming his sword and a confrontation with his remorseful brother, he discovers that the protagonist is a descendant of the man responsible for his death many centuries ago due to his possession of a ring that allows him to summon and communicate with the spirits of those related to him or those he knew. Using the ring to summon the spirit of his lover, he is shocked when she condemns his actions telling him that he betrayed everything he once stood for, judging that he is no longer the man she loved. After a few moments of grief and despair, he becomes enraged and declares the protagonist as his enemy. Refusing to end his crusade against humanity, he swears vengeance against the protagonist.
At one point, he easily defeats the captain's daughter in battle, but because she fought to protect her lover, he is reminded of his own failure to save his lover. Emotionally conflicted and out of envy, respect, and sympathy, he spares her life, though it is he who is later responsible for the captain's death.
During the final battle where he is confronted by the protagonist and his allies, including his own brother, the power of his sword is forever destroyed. He is imprisoned once again when the magic of a weapon forged by the man who killed him centuries ago transforms him into a stone statue. He vows that he will one day return and finish what he started, reuniting with his father, and have his vengeance against their descendants. His last act before being fully transformed is to give the captain's daughter and her lover a sad envious smile.
He will return in part 3 as will his father. The conflict with his brother will remain and be resolved in the end.

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Old 02-05-2016, 02:03 AM
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wyf (Offline)
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Hi Dwayne

I think people may have been put off responding to you because of the sheer bulk of text!

This isn't my chosen genre, so I probably cant help much. But when you outline your characters like that I feel like I'm running through a checklist of standard, cliché characters.

I don't think that matters, though. the only way you will know if you're doing something right with them is when you start writing their story. The man driven by grief, the innkeepers daughter, the captain of the guard, etc all seem quite bland to me, but when you breathe some life into them and make them interact, that's when you'll know if you've got it right.
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Old 06-12-2017, 01:13 AM
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yes
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Old 06-21-2017, 08:07 AM
AlyssJJJ1 (Offline)
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Great job. Go on!
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