WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Balance

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 03-09-2018, 04:35 AM
Vince (Offline)
Dedicated Writer
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 216
Thanks: 3
Thanks 39
Default Balance


Ears struggle with options not their own
Connected to a closed and angry mind
far less painful then streacheing to others views
Old comforable and confined to familar

Constriction is the enemy fo any growth
No growth causes ingrown ignorance
A stunted intellect accepts no challenges
Unchallanged reality can't be truly seen

Embrace opposition- it focres progress
Rejecting mirror images stops clarity
Harmony coes from balance
Exclusion protects self but weakens the whole


Last edited by Vince; 03-10-2018 at 02:42 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-09-2018, 07:53 AM
Beesauce (Offline)
Word Wizard
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Phomerica
Posts: 537
Thanks: 142
Thanks 69
Default

Hmm.. I am trying to use my editor brain here and give a thorough opinion. I liked it, but the word choice could use a tinkering, I won't change your words, but I'll show you in color what words I'd consider changing:


Ears struggle with opinions not their own
Connected to a closed and angry mind
Far less painful than stretching other views (plural on "others" sounds stronger)
Old comfortable and confined to familiar

Constriction is the enemy of any growth *(yes!)
No growth causes ingrown intellect (may i suggest: sustained ignorance)
Stunted intellect accepts no challenges
Without challenge reality can’t be perceived *(Hmm. The challenge is so strange)

Embrace opposition it forces progress
Rejecting mirror images stops clarity *(yes!)
Harmony comes from balance
Exclusion protects but destroys. *(This last line, exclusion protecting anything .. I think this is where I'd draw the line at excluding anybody or anything and that exclusion protects the fewest and then it always turns messy when the excluded have excluded themselves for as long as they have --)


Nice poem and I was going to say it could keep going longer, but then I thought it would detract from the title "Balance" as is, it is balanced in stanza, line, and form.

THanks for sharing, it's a pleasure to read newly writ poems from lovely writers

__________________
__________________
i didnt do it, except
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-10-2018, 03:03 AM
Vince (Offline)
Dedicated Writer
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 216
Thanks: 3
Thanks 39
Default

Thanks Beesauce. Your thoughts help.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-10-2018, 05:48 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,491
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,380
Default

Originally Posted by Vince View Post
Ears struggle with options not their own
Connected to a closed and angry mind
far less painfulthestreacheing to others views
Old comforable and confined to familar

Constriction is the enemy fo any growth
No growth causes ingrown ignorance
A stunted intellect accepts no challenges
Unchallanged reality can't be truly seen

Embrace o[[psotopm- it focres progress
Rejecting mirror images stops clarity
Harmony coes from balance
Exclusion protects self but weakens the whole


Here's the thing, man - everybody writes they way they want to and I should crit the same way so I observe that you tend to use a form I used that was typified by others as "reporting". I did not get what they meant at first but I did keep on writing and now I am where I am with my form. You are, for me, giving me the view of a funeral from the viewpoint of the corpse. You are present at the function and aware of the proceedings but you are not alive in it.

Keep at it and, inevitably, you will break through.


And spellcheck your stuff.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-10-2018, 07:23 AM
Vince (Offline)
Dedicated Writer
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 216
Thanks: 3
Thanks 39
Default

thanks for the encouragement. I do spell check but spell check is almost useless to a dyslexic. But I write because I need to so - worts and all.

Interesting thought -from the corpse's point-of-view. My intention was to decry one way of looking at things ignoring all other ways. But I like your idea.

I have broken through but I'm not sure to where.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Vince For This Useful Post:
Nick Pierce (03-11-2018)
  #6  
Old 03-10-2018, 02:31 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,491
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,380
Default

[QUOTE=Vince

I have broken through but I'm not sure to where.

[/QUOTE]


None of us ever are. It's the going on that counts.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-10-2018, 02:32 PM
daes13's Avatar
daes13 (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: At 1040 MPH... So I'm not sure
Posts: 1,619
Thanks: 418
Thanks 415
Default

There are 3 things to look for in editing: cut, add, rearrange.

Look at your first stanza and imagine rearranging it. The mind is the power imagery compared to the ears, then why is it passive?

Think about the underlying connotations of what you are trying to say and how your lines can reflect their intrinsic value.

Flow, metaphor, and avoid the monotone beat.
__________________
I'm just bored. Slinging the first thought that comes to mind, which is often poor advise.

Courtesy of BP
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-13-2018, 06:32 AM
Vince (Offline)
Dedicated Writer
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 216
Thanks: 3
Thanks 39
Default

The intention was to indicate that people often listen with their ears and not their brain.

I understand your take and style - but it is not necessarily mine.

I believe writing of any kind can be over studied and meaning lost because of this.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-13-2018, 04:07 PM
daes13's Avatar
daes13 (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: At 1040 MPH... So I'm not sure
Posts: 1,619
Thanks: 418
Thanks 415
Default

You don't have to use my style, no one should ever use another's. But I feel like that isn't your style. Something you wrote before had phenomenal style. This ticks, where the other vibrated if that makes sense. You still have to know the forms to break them etc.
__________________
I'm just bored. Slinging the first thought that comes to mind, which is often poor advise.

Courtesy of BP
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-13-2018, 04:42 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,491
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,380
Default

[QUOTE=daes13

You still have to know the forms to break them

[/QUOTE]


Brings to mind Jagger's "... piss right through your steel plate door" line.

Focus, focus, focus ... Oi! Can I get more Guiness over here?! Me plumbin's about to run dry and I ain't quite through to the other side.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 03-13-2018, 04:53 PM
daes13's Avatar
daes13 (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: At 1040 MPH... So I'm not sure
Posts: 1,619
Thanks: 418
Thanks 415
Default

Dont know how Jagger feels about you alluding to Morrison... Ill ask him
__________________
I'm just bored. Slinging the first thought that comes to mind, which is often poor advise.

Courtesy of BP
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-13-2018, 05:06 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,491
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,380
Default

Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
Dont know how Jagger feels about you alluding to Morrison... Ill ask him

Ooops, fucked up.

Christ, sometimes I feel so human.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-13-2018, 05:18 PM
daes13's Avatar
daes13 (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: At 1040 MPH... So I'm not sure
Posts: 1,619
Thanks: 418
Thanks 415
Default

Thankfully only dogs see us as god
__________________
I'm just bored. Slinging the first thought that comes to mind, which is often poor advise.

Courtesy of BP
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03-13-2018, 06:32 PM
Vince (Offline)
Dedicated Writer
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 216
Thanks: 3
Thanks 39
Default

dyslexics worship doG but we don't understand why it confuses others
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Vince For This Useful Post:
daes13 (03-14-2018), Nick Pierce (03-14-2018)
  #15  
Old 03-14-2018, 02:15 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,491
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,380
Default

put a fist through your steel plated door

yes, I broke the form of the original lyric and went with piss right through your steel plate door

Mick wouldn't mind, I'm sure and it flows much better, I say.

I don't get where Morrison figures into this seein' as how it is from Midnight Rambler.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 03-14-2018, 03:29 PM
daes13's Avatar
daes13 (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: At 1040 MPH... So I'm not sure
Posts: 1,619
Thanks: 418
Thanks 415
Default

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Me plumbin's about to run dry and I ain't quite through to the other side.
Break on through to the oyher side.

Come on haha
__________________
I'm just bored. Slinging the first thought that comes to mind, which is often poor advise.

Courtesy of BP
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 03-14-2018, 03:48 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,491
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,380
Default

Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
Break on through to the oyher side.

Come on haha

Ohhhh.

I'm such a DUNCE!
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 03-14-2018, 06:14 PM
daes13's Avatar
daes13 (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: At 1040 MPH... So I'm not sure
Posts: 1,619
Thanks: 418
Thanks 415
Default

Haha, I thought you did it on purpose
__________________
I'm just bored. Slinging the first thought that comes to mind, which is often poor advise.

Courtesy of BP
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 03-15-2018, 02:17 AM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 7,491
Thanks: 2,095
Thanks 1,380
Default

Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
Haha, I thought you did it on purpose

Great.
Proves the wisdom of the adage: Better to keep your mouth shut and be suspected an idiot than to open it and remove all doubt.

Now I can return to cultivating the inner Buddha.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 03-15-2018, 09:05 AM
Vince (Offline)
Dedicated Writer
Official Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 216
Thanks: 3
Thanks 39
Default

an empty vessal makes the loudest noise. To coin a phrase. The noise though loud is meaningless but it does distract. Buddha says keep your anger and frustration - it is yours - I refuse it. that may be in the nick of time.
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 03-15-2018, 12:01 PM
daes13's Avatar
daes13 (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: At 1040 MPH... So I'm not sure
Posts: 1,619
Thanks: 418
Thanks 415
Default

In the "nick" of time haha. Vince like what you did. Have you heard of cutters method like Burroughs? This method really helps with editing lines. Me and a friend actually just did that with some prose work. But we looked at it like poetry
__________________
I'm just bored. Slinging the first thought that comes to mind, which is often poor advise.

Courtesy of BP
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Finding Balance BrittanyCruik Fiction 8 09-19-2015 11:39 PM
Balance work and writing Reddy Dean Writing Help & Issues 33 08-06-2010 02:32 PM
Your balance is low... Azmacna Poetry 9 10-13-2007 04:02 AM
Shadows Fall-The Art of Balance Ian Non-Fiction 1 04-01-2006 09:24 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:36 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.