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Contest Results l Fiction l New Beginnings (June 2007)

 
 
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  #1  
Old 07-05-2007, 06:27 AM
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Default Contest Results l Fiction l New Beginnings (June 2007)


Sorry for the delay, everyone. Some complications arose in getting these out this time.

Congratulations to Starrwriter for an excellent entry and snagging another win. There were some very well written entries, so keep writing, everyone!

Results:
Starrwriter 20
gary_wagner 19.33
ennubi 18.33
writing kim 17.67
erinss20 17
skhull 16.66
writenow30 16.66
Missdawn215 16.66
Geoffrey Robson 16
Tifted 15
Jazen 14.33
Tau Warlock 13.66
Cuchulain 13



Originally Posted by BreezyWriter View Post
Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: untitled

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: The story was good but some of the tenses were not placed properly. Giving us some trouble in distinguishing properly from one moment to the other.
Score: 16/20
--------------------------
Member: Starrwriter
Title: The
Phoenix
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression:10/10
Comments: I’m a sucker for romance. Nicely written for beginning to the end. Displaying exactly what I expected would happen.
Score: 20/20
--------------------------
Member: Erinns20
Title: 12 Steps

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: Wonderfully written, I liked the way you separated the different stages in time. The way you approached each person at the end felt more real then the beginning.
Score: 19/20
--------------------------
Member: Gary_wagner
Title: Purple Plague

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5 /5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: Talking of new beginnings. You did a good job with the Adam and Eve story
Score: 20/20
--------------------------
Member: Writing Kim
Title: New Beginnings

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Wow dark, very dark. Though I was somewhat bewildered. In the beginning he was distant and wanted nothing to do with her. But near the end I got the feeling he was being way to friendly compared to the beginning
Score: 19/20
--------------------------
Member: ennubi
Title: quarters

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 20/10
Comments: Nicely written you are getting better all the time. I was happy for the times you reminded us that he was talking to his dead father for sometimes it felt like he was talking directly to him. That action made it possible to keep with the story. Nicely done.
Score: 20/20
--------------------------
Member: skhull
Title: She's Not Me

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: The writing was good though I had unanswered questions. For one if she was there to see the doctor it means she missed her appointment to follow the woman. So how did she get an appointment for the next week. Little things like that. Maybe if she had come out of the doctors office and heard the other woman being called while she made an appointement for the next week it would have felt more plausible. . It would have been nice knowing she followed the woman in the car earlier on. As is it gave the impression she was on foot. All in all it was good writing it just needs some rewriting in the action process.

Score: 17/20
--------------------------
Member: Writenow30
Title: New Beginnings

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: The beginning felt off beat, but the ending explained it wonderfully.
Score: 17/20
--------------------------
Member: Tifted
Title: Bifocals and Girls and a Return

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: Took awhile to get into for in the beginning it was somewhat eratic a little difficult to understand.
Score: 15 /20
--------------------------
Member: Jazen
Title: Out with the old

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: Nice way to new beginnings, be carful for minor errors
Score: 16/20
--------------------------
Member: Tau Worlock
Title:
Friday Rain
Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: At first I wasn’t sure what to expect. Giving the impression that the person was waiting for someone, was a nice touch. Giving way to a surprising but nicely entertaining unexpected change near the end. Be careful of the phrasing and slight errors.
Score: 14 /20
--------------------------
Member: Missdawn215
Title:
SandyPoint
Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: Interesting though there were some unanswered questions. We know from the ending that Jackson is dead though who is at the door, we can only imagine. But it would have been nice to know. The only thing I was thinking was go answer the door. I like the way you depicted how empty she was. But who was the other person with Jackson. Score: 17/20
--------------------------
Member: Cuchulain
Title: The Dealer

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: Different it did depict a new summer. I could feel the crude way it is among such a gang. The rage could be felt. Nicely done.
Score: 16/20
Originally Posted by cuteangel View Post
Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: Untitled

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: A good dramatic build-up, but the ending left me a bit confused. A stronger link with the theme should have been included. Overall, this was a good read.

Score: 16/20
---------------------

Member: starrwriter
Title: The Phoenix

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: Another excellent story. It was a bit predictable, considering the theme, but yet an enjoyable read. I half-expected your protagonist to go back to his old life though this ending worked as well.

Score: 20/20
---------------------

Member: erinss20
Title: 12 Steps

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: An intense read. I got shivers while reading it. You’ve mixed up your tenses in some places and there were a few other typos. The story itself was good, as was the break-up of events. A true New Beginning. Good job!

Score: 17/20
---------------------

Member: gary_wagner
Title: Purple Plague

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: Wow. That’s my first impression. This was one of the most touching stories I have ever read. It was so realistic, so well written. Simply beautiful

Score: 20/20
---------------------

Member: writing kim
Title: New Beginnings

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: I don’t know why you were so worried about the grammar. It’s flawless, as far as I can tell. The twist on new beginnings was quite original and the ending was perfect. A good story that had me reading intently from beginning to end.

Score: 19/20
---------------------

Member: ennubi
Title: Quarters

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10
Comments: You’re getting better and better with each progressive contest entry, ennubi. I’m really impressed by this story. It was sweet and touching, especially the end. This was a very good read. I look forward to more from you.

Score: 20/20
---------------------

Member: skhull
Title: She’s Not Me

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: There were some loose ends here and there which didn’t quite add up, but this story really had me laughing. It was an interesting read from beginning to end. Some more resolution at the end would have helped..

Score: 17/20
---------------------

Member: writenow30
Title: New Beginnings

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: This concept was interesting, but needed more work. The beginning, especially, was far too disjointed. I did like the way you tied everything up in the end. Good effort.

Score: 15/20
---------------------

Member: Tifted
Title: Untitled

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: An interesting story. I liked the way you used a negative new beginning. It worked quite well. This could have been tighter – cutting down on your words as well as unnecessary scenes.

Score: 16/20
---------------------

Member: jazen
Title: Out With the Old

Mechanics: 2.5/5
Intangibles: 3.5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: There were many errors in this story, which detracted from the reading. The idea behind the story was good; it could have been worked on more. The poem excerpts worked well.

Score: 14/20
---------------------

Member: Tau Warlock
Title: Friday Rain

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 9/10
Comments: At first, I didn’t understand the story. It seemed boring, rambling, but the end made up for all of that. Of all things that you could have written, that was the least expected. If you want to improve this, I’d suggest you cut down on his rambling thoughts in the beginning. Make them more focused. Other than that, what an amazing ending! Good job!

Score: 15/20
---------------------

Member: Missdawn215
Title: Sandy Point

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10
Comments: For someone who has not written in a long while, this was very good. I loved your imagery throughout the story. The only problem is that the end was not very clear. Some points were left unclear prior to that as well. I’m not too sure who was speaking at the end.

Score: 17/20
---------------------

Member: Cuchulain
Title: The Dealer

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10
Comments: I didn’t quite relate to this. You spent far too much time discussing his favorite music, games and such and not enough on the core of the story. The theme wasn’t too apparent in this either. Some more work is required.

Deduction: 2 [for exceeding the word limit by over 400 words]

Score: 12/20
---------------------
Originally Posted by Cordatus View Post
Member: Geoffrey Robson
Title: [untitled]

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: The ending is vague and I can't tie it to the rest of the story. However, your writing style is amazing; you draw wonderful similes.

Score: 16/20

---

Member: starrwriter
Title: THE PHOENIX

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 10/10

Comments: A wonderfully engaging, perfect piece! You did it again.

Score: 20/20

---

Member: erinss20
Title: 12 Steps

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: The flow of the writing is good, but the descriptions are not consistent nor lucid. In the first paragraph, you over-described the setting. Later in the following parts, there was a lack of description.

Score: 15/20

---

Member: gary_wagner
Title: Purple Plague

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: I found this piece to be different from your usual style of writing. I didn't relate to the tone of writing even though it was written from a teenager's point of view. All in all, the details are absorbing and the plot is well directed as usual.

Score: 18/20

---

Member: writing kim
Title: NEW BEGINNINGS

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: I was rather distracted by the dialogue--at some places I lost track of who was speaking. There isn't any grammar issues, but it needs more editing and polishing.

Score: 15/20

---

Member: ennubi
Title: Quarters

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: The idea is good and I think the ending is strong, but you need to work on the overall structure of the story. Work on the flow, enhance the clarity of your ideas, and make sure you omit redundancies.

Score: 15/20

---

Member: skhull
Title: She's Not Me

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: I think the idea is very amusing; you handled this month's theme in an amusing way. I would take out the "FYI" and flesh out the story, adding more details and depth.

Score: 16/20

---

Member: writenow30
Title: New Beginnings

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 5/5
Overall Impression: 8/10

Comments: What struck me most upon first reading is the unique style this piece was writing with. The flow of the story is easy, but pay attention to wordiness and over-descriptions.

Score: 18/20

---

Member: Tifted
Title: Bifocals and Girls and a Return

Mechanics: 4/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: I think you succeeded in describing the setting of the story--I didn't face any difficulty. You 'stretched' your character, which I think is a good thing. However, try to focus on wording with dialogue and sentence structure. Make sure you also deliver a level of clarity in you narration of the details.

Score: 14/20

---

Member: jazen
Title: Out with the old

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 3/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: You need to enhance the punctuation of the story, as it hinders the flow and makes it hard to keep up with the narration. You draw very nice images and take the reader back to the past with you, but that is still not enough. Work on the way scenes and images dissolve into each other, and always portray your ideas in a clear way.

Score: 13/20

---

Member: Tau Worlock
Title: Friday Rain

Mechanics: 3/5
Intangibles: 2/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: The beginning is extremely wordy--it will drive readers away. Try working on simplifying the piece by eliminating unnecessary words and phrases and keeping what the reader needs to know. Clarity is a very important factor: make sure that the reader understands what you write. The idea is good, and I think the ending is quite fitting to the theme of the piece.

Score: 12/20

---

Member: Missdawn215
Title: Sandy Point

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 4/5
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: What I liked most about your entry is the strong beginning. The work flowed really well except at some places. I think you need to work on the middle part, just below the memory; it seemed a little over-dramatic for me. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need any help. You can post this story in a separate thread for more detailed critiques from the members of the community.

Score: 16/20

---

Member: Cuchulain
Title: The Dealer

Mechanics: 5/5
Intangibles: 3/3
Overall Impression: 7/10

Comments: Although the piece was well-written, I don't think it has any depth to it. The ending was very good as it showed a hint of emotional connection with the character's grandfather--it would be enhancing if you worked on portraying the character's emotions and feelings throughout the story.

Word infraction deduction: -2.

Score: 13/20.

---

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  #2  
Old 07-05-2007, 09:12 AM
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Thank you Judges for your review and comments. These contests challenge me and give me some great ideas for stories. This is a story line I will probably develop into something bigger when I get the time.

Congratulations, Starrwriter for your win this month.
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Old 07-05-2007, 09:56 AM
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Yes congratulations Starrwriter and the judges comments were spot on. I've just re read my entry and you're spot on Cordatus, the structuring of the dialogue is squew wiff.
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Old 07-05-2007, 02:11 PM
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Thank you judges for your comments. It was fun to write. You're critiques are valid and well taken, thank you.
Congratulations Starrwriter. I really enjoyed your story..... skhull
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Old 07-06-2007, 03:34 AM
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Well congratulation to all that did well.
Especially starwriter you got a perfect score; on a side note how many have you one by now?

I was afraid I had rambled on a bit in there. Will revisit that peace when I have the time, the thing is I was writing that on a Friday morning when it was raining very heavily outside my window so my mind kept thinking rain.

Second to last? I’m that good? Must have missed the memo.

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Old 07-06-2007, 04:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Tau Worlock View Post
Well congratulation to all that did well.
Especially starwriter you got a perfect score; on a side note how many have you one by now?

I was afraid I had rambled on a bit in there. Will revisit that peace when I have the time, the thing is I was writing that on a Friday morning when it was raining very heavily outside my window so my mind kept thinking rain.

Second to last? I’m that good? Must have missed the memo.

Sincerley Worlock
It's only based on three opinions, and although those opinions are the ones that matter in this, it really doesn't mean that your story was bad. Lol...I've probably ruined my chances in the next competion by adding this message, but Starrwriter has already entered, so the chances of winning are already blown out of the waters.
  #7  
Old 07-06-2007, 05:31 AM
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Not necessarily. One of the reasons starrwriter and gary_wagner win so often is they get 5 points as a given for their mechanics - it's come to the point that when I'm judging their entries, I don't even need to think about how many errors there were before giving them a full 5 on 5.

So once you've got that under control, you automatically propel your chances of winning. Thinking of a story and expressing it clearly are the only obstacles left and that will come with practice. It's not as hard as you think, really.

You are right about our opinions being just that. Unfortunately, or fortunately those matter. What you can always do if you want to improve a story is to give it for critique so you get an in-depth feedback.
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Old 07-06-2007, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Tau Worlock View Post
[Especially starwriter you got a perfect score; on a side note how many have you one by now?
I don't really keep track. It's not modesty, I just don't think it's all that important. Writing isn't a competition IMO.
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Old 07-06-2007, 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted by writing kim View Post
Starrwriter has already entered, so the chances of winning are already blown out of the waters.
Good Lord, don't say that or even think it. Concentrate on writing as well as you can and don't worry about me or any other writer. You perhaps forget that I've had many years of experience in writing professionally. You could become a much better writer than me if you stick to it long enough.
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Old 07-06-2007, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by cuteangel View Post
Not necessarily. One of the reasons starrwriter and gary_wagner win so often is they get 5 points as a given for their mechanics - it's come to the point that when I'm judging their entries, I don't even need to think about how many errors there were before giving them a full 5 on 5.

So once you've got that under control, you automatically propel your chances of winning. Thinking of a story and expressing it clearly are the only obstacles left and that will come with practice. It's not as hard as you think, really.

You are right about our opinions being just that. Unfortunately, or fortunately those matter. What you can always do if you want to improve a story is to give it for critique so you get an in-depth feedback.
My message wasn't a dig at the judges btw, (gets down and grovels) I've read Starrwriter's writing myself and truly admire it, it's a masterclass in writing, which I think I've said before. Gosh, forgive my first message, I hope it didn't sound bitter, it certainly wasn't meant that way. Personally I was thrilled with my comments, especially with regards to my grammar, which is a real compliment because before I came on the beat, it really was awful, so I've learnt an awful lot already.

(backs away grovelling).

Sorry cuteangel if I offended you or any of the judges.
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Old 07-06-2007, 07:01 PM
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come on, writing kim, up off the floor. no shame in feeling frustrated. you know it wouldn't be as addictive if there wasn't a king at the top of the hill in need of displacing....

anyway, thank you judges for your kind words...i shall have to keep looking for that key to the next level which i keep misplacing. other jeans' pocket perhaps? someday i would like to turn prof...but i'd like to win the lottery too....

congrats to the winners, the bout to resume top of august....

ennubi
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  #12  
Old 07-07-2007, 01:44 AM
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It's only based on three opinions, and although those opinions are the ones that matter in this, it really doesn't mean that your story was bad.
I know, I was trying to make a joke, did not work tough, maybe because I could not get the tone of voice right.
I don't really keep track. It's not modesty, I just don't think it's all that important. Writing isn't a competition IMO.
Just asked out of curiosity (sp?), no it’s a battle with the pen, it steadily refuse to write down want I want, all it will do is write down stuff that isn’t spelled right, or is that just my pen?

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Old 07-07-2007, 07:05 PM
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Default Thank you all for the input.

After I have re-read the submission, I can definitely see where it needed to be worked on. I think, overall, that I found the contest at the last minute, chose to submit, and hurried through without much true thought. I just wrote, quickly, to get it submitted. It is nice to be critiqued, especially, since I have not done any writing in many, many years. I am taking all information, suggestions and comments to heart and want to really try. I really like this forum and everyone in it. It is SO supportive and fun! I will keep on truckin'....

Thanks so much!
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Old 07-08-2007, 01:55 AM
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Originally Posted by writing kim View Post
My message wasn't a dig at the judges btw, (gets down and grovels) I've read Starrwriter's writing myself and truly admire it, it's a masterclass in writing, which I think I've said before. Gosh, forgive my first message, I hope it didn't sound bitter, it certainly wasn't meant that way. Personally I was thrilled with my comments, especially with regards to my grammar, which is a real compliment because before I came on the beat, it really was awful, so I've learnt an awful lot already.

(backs away grovelling).

Sorry cuteangel if I offended you or any of the judges.
Oh no, I wasn't offended at all. Don't sit and grovel. Stand up and take the challenge. You have it in you! Come on, whip out that pen and start writing. You can only learn through experience. Starr is right. He's had more experience than you and for a relative newcomer, you're doing great!

Originally Posted by Missdawn215 View Post
After I have re-read the submission, I can definitely see where it needed to be worked on. I think, overall, that I found the contest at the last minute, chose to submit, and hurried through without much true thought. I just wrote, quickly, to get it submitted. It is nice to be critiqued, especially, since I have not done any writing in many, many years. I am taking all information, suggestions and comments to heart and want to really try. I really like this forum and everyone in it. It is SO supportive and fun! I will keep on truckin'....

Thanks so much!
Any time, Missdawn. Are we going to see more of you in the following month?
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Old 07-08-2007, 07:21 AM
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Default Yes, i will be here more often...

As a mom, wife and full-time busy person (work part time, homeschool the other), Writer's Beat is now my "secret" place; a place for just me. So, as I make the time for myself, this is where it will be.

I really enjoy it here!
 

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