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Hook Help for Query, please?!

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Old 10-31-2013, 12:59 PM
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Default Hook Help for Query, please?!


Hi,

Okay so I've never written or submitted a query. Having trouble condensing my description into a hook that includes all of the subject matter yet isn't too long (I read the hook should be no longer than 1 sentence). Need help/feedback!

Look at the hook & description and tell me if the hook is still too long? Input to improve hook?

Hook:

The true story of Tyler Coughlin, a diagnosed Bipolar with 5 childhood mental hospitalizations who abruptly decides to drop-out of high school and cut off all treatments and medication; a chaotic and controversial roller-coaster ensues, as Tyler does everything from working a Presidential Campaign to founding and creating a successful Adult Production Company and serving on the City Council.

Full Description:

The true story of a 16 year old diagnosed Bipolar with 5 childhood mental hospitalizations, who decides to abruptly drop-out of high school and cut off all treatments and medication. Over the next 8 years a chaotic and scandal-filled roller-coaster ensues that includes everything from working a Presidential Campaign, founding and creating a successful Adult Production Company and serving on the City Council all before 21 years old. As time without treatment and medication increases, Tyler’s chaotic lifestyle becomes increasingly dangerous and debilitating. Finally, reaching rock bottom at 24 years old and recovering from a narcotics addiction, Tyler decides to reach out for help and attempt to turn his life around before it’s too late. This narrative, written by Tyler Coughlin himself, reflects on his controversial past and follows his road to recovery as a non-functioning Bipolar.


Last edited by Newbie; 10-31-2013 at 01:02 PM..
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Old 10-31-2013, 01:20 PM
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Hey Newbie,

Creating that magic one sentence is really tough when you know the subject matter back to front and can be tougher if, like me, you have no idea.

Your current "one sentence" isn't really one sentence, its about three. But I suspect you know that already, or you wouldn't be posting here. The trick is to decide what to cut and what is important to your story. I mean VITAL, as in you need to know it or it doesn't make any sense or loses impact.

Below, I have had a go (I really can't help myself, I'm a natural born meddler), but ultimately this is just to give you an idea - it is by no means a true suggestion and, in the end, only you can decide what sentence has the right ingredients to sell your story!


Tyler Coughlin, a 16 year old with Bipolar Disorder, leaves high school to pursue his dreams, experiencing everything from working on a Presidential Campaign to founding an Adult Production Company.


The above is the bear bones, as I understand them. The goal I was taught for a hook (or log-line) was 27 words. The above is 30, so still probably a bit too long for a hook. But you get what I mean. Like I said, this is just an idea, a direction pointer. The sentence really has to come from you.

Good Luck!
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Last edited by risk10; 11-05-2013 at 04:24 PM..
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Old 10-31-2013, 03:27 PM
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I agree with Risk that there is still too much information in your hook. Complex stories are difficult to compress into a single hook sentence, but take some time and carefully cut.

A trick that has helped me has been to create several versions. For example, version A will have one bit of info, while version B will have a different bit, etc. At the end, let them sit for a week or so and go back to see which one strikes you the most, the continue working until you have a final product you are satisfied.

Good luck!
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