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the day our nation prospered

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Old 01-13-2007, 02:13 PM
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Default the day our nation prospered


This may be a new year; a remembrance is in order to follow that
To remember the people that died that day, the twin towers attacked
We all stood ready a devotion to this land, this nation, for we were proud
With liberty and justice to all we rehearsed, the pledge of allegiance said
We the people stood one hand in all to be seen, one nation under god
So remember how to be proud of what we became, the land of the brave
As the pride of the eagles washes through and we find ourselves free
That this remembrance will be known to everyone that passes our path


As “The day our nation prospered”

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Last edited by _zeb_; 01-13-2007 at 02:21 PM.. Reason: spacing little off
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Old 01-13-2007, 04:32 PM
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The sentences are hard to read a little further down I put them in black so it would be easier to see the difference between yours and the corrections that are needed.
This may be a new year; a remembrance is in order to follow that
follow that - is a fragmented thought seeing the seriousness of the poem the line feels unfinished

To remember the people that died that day, the twin towers attacked
The twin tower attacked puts your whole sentence in a stance that is broken.

We all stood ready a devotion to this land, this nation, for we were proud
This sentence is a wonderful sentence.
With liberty and justice to all we rehearsed, the pledge of allegiance said
This sentence is nicely put.
We the people stood one hand in all to be seen, one nation under god
The beginning of this sentence needs to be restructured for a better understanding.
So remember how to be proud of what we became, the land of the brave
The word so can be removed so that the sentence flows bettter.
As the pride of the eagles washes through and we find ourselves free
The word washes doesn't fit with eagles
That this remembrance will be known to everyone that passes our path
This sentence needs to be rephrased so the ending will reflect the beautiful poem.

--------------------------------------------------------------

This may be a new year; a remembrance is in order to follow that
Follow that - is a fragmented thought seeing the seriousness of the poem the line feels unfinished.

To remember the people that died that day, the twin towers attacked
The twin tower attacked puts your whole sentence in a stance that is broken. You need a word in between towers and attacked to indicate the past. It would be good to take the , away making it one unbroken sentence.

We all stood ready a devotion to this land, this nation, for we were proud
This sentence is a wonderful sentence. We were is in the past with this sentence it has to be something that is; at all times.
With liberty and justice to all we rehearsed, the pledge of allegiance said
This sentence is nicely put.
We the people stood one hand in all to be seen, one nation under god
The beginning of this sentence needs to be restructured for a better understanding.
So remember how to be proud of what we became, the land of the brave
The word so can be removed so that the sentence flows bettter.
As the pride of the eagles washes through and we find ourselves free
The words washes through don't fit with eagles- were you thinking glides through.
That this remembrance will be known to everyone that passes our path
This sentence needs to be rephrased so the ending will reflect the beautiful poem.

I understand the reason for the colours of the flag but it is very difficult to read. Your poem is a serious poem by having difficulty in reading your poem it becomes something that has to be reread again and again to get the full meaning of your poem. There are some people who can not see certain colours and so would pass over your poem as being extremely fragmented.

And yet it is very important that you show this poem for the beauty and wonderment that it deserves.

You managed to remind me of the day that I prayed for all those souls to be at peace.

Good work.
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Old 01-13-2007, 06:54 PM
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This may be a new year; a remembrance is in order to follow that
To remember the people that died that day, the twin towers attacked
We all stood ready a devotion to this land, this nation, for we were proud
With liberty and justice to all we rehearsed, the pledge of allegiance said
We the people stood one hand in all to be seen, one nation under god
So remember how to be proud of what we became, the land of the brave
As the pride of the eagles washes through and we find ourselves free
That this remembrance will be known to everyone that passes our path

The thing to remember is that this is the crit section where we help each other with the words and meanings, so the best formatting is simple. But with something like this, if you want our feedback on the formatting too, then paste it in to the post in both forms.

In many ways, this is a political statement. So I will return to it with a crit a little later, as I am in the wrong mood! lol
Kit


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