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The Eloquence of a Heartbreaker

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  #1  
Old 09-15-2007, 10:56 AM
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Last edited by redskybackdrop; 09-18-2007 at 04:00 PM.. Reason: deleted
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Old 09-15-2007, 11:03 AM
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Sorry, but I didn't read it. You are supposed to critique a couple of other poems before you post.
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Old 09-16-2007, 02:52 AM
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Originally Posted by redskybackdrop
I'm draped over you, judging the moment
by a clock that's twenty-minutes fast.
Take out the hyphen, so it reads 'twenty minutes'.

Originally Posted by redskybackdrop
I miss the feeling of tosseling your hair.
'Tosseling' should be 'tussling', I believe, although 'ruffling' works better for me here.

I don't think I've ever read anything vaguely like this, redskybackdrop. I can't say that I liked it, and I can't say that I disliked it. There were parts of it that touched me, and the way you used the words together was beautiful. However, parts of it were only average. I think it has great potential to be a very moving piece of work.

It is good manners to critique some pieces (not necessarily poetry, but some type of writing) before you post your own work, so it might be an idea to have a look around and offer your thoughts on some pieces.

[SIGN]Thanks for sharing. =)[/SIGN]
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Last edited by Chloe; 09-16-2007 at 02:53 AM.. Reason: Typo. =)
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Old 09-16-2007, 06:10 AM
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I misspelled tousling, yes, thanks for bringing that up. And I'm glad that you enjoyed pieces of it.

but, I'm surprised that two people have already told me to comment others' works, when I have before I even posted on this site. Oh well.

Thanks for your comment though.
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