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Old 02-16-2016, 11:48 AM
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,(They were standing)
-I can't stop...
-But do you want to stop?
Sometimes i want( at the edge)..the closeness,
-What closeness?
-I want more...or less...then "Me f***ing"...*
-You need innocents...
-More i need than "Me... a cold bastard that feels nothing and the only pleasure he gets is from beating.. the female genitals up...and i ...
-You what?
-I don't cum...never...
-'Cause i am not letting go...
(They were standing on the edge,where the brown,sandy desert is becoming dark jungle green from the glittering rocks)
-Yeah...i got to go,now..
-You got to go?
-I got to swim in the ocean...and never let go...Bye..!

And there went George.Wearing the name that was so often used ,like the poor creatures were. ..A name that he shared with so many -strong,devouring on to the pleasure,killing each other,looking for pray,chopping,sacrificing,lying people like no beast that has ever lived: and every one of them wanted to be like him-adored by women he sleeps with,a man who could go for hours in bed. And all that... But..bitter he went and fed up......He has detached him self from the ability to love ,for protection.. The world has became : a cold place in which he has the power.. Then suddenly he turned around,Looked at the man,with whom he spoke briefly ,who was exactly like him,wearing olive colored sweatshirt..and some pants ...and he said : Is that an illusion or is that other thing an illusion?...Oh i don't believe that this is true...something is smiling...something is smiling behind of it...i can see it...i can feel it. . .!

Oooooooh in the back of the mind of the winner who takes the crown purity,honesty is hovering above... detached from the corrupted place like he was from love...in the matter of fact in that other ,true world,that he scent,that world that was smiling, this one was nothing more than an old ,dirty slipper.

Last edited by Kristijan; 02-18-2016 at 04:19 AM..
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Old 02-16-2016, 12:12 PM
spshane (Offline)
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Good use of dialogue. I feel like I need a little more prose in between, like it's all talking and not enough setting, action, etc.
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Old 02-17-2016, 04:17 PM
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My first response to this was, you get what you give. Though you didn't touch on this, possibly you intended to by its absence. The unsaid can be powerful if you chip away enough from around it.

I also think the last three lines seem as if you couldn't or didn't want to illustrate them like the rest of the poem. Almost outlinish.
If that was your intent, I won't say it didn't work, but it did jar me a bit.
A Wise Dragon Goeth Not Unarmed in the Land of the Make Believers.
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Old 02-18-2016, 03:05 AM
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OK..that was the first sketch. now i'll do some changes..this is editing it..

Last edited by Kristijan; 02-18-2016 at 04:24 AM..
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