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Old 02-14-2016, 05:21 PM
Dirtrackfan3DH (Offline)
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Beginning of a Story
Here's the beginning of my story I'm working on. Would like you guys to critique and give suggestions on anything I could change.

I could hear the distant roaring from the cars at the local racetrack. My parole officer gave me two options. I could go to prison or I could go work for a raceteam. The racetrack is where everyone loved to be on a Saturday night. I began to think maybe this could be a new beginning for me.
I had been arrested for running alcohol,and eluding police. I could definitely drive a car, so maybe working for a race team could help me possibly become a racecar driver. DBM racing is a local team that is allowing me to work for them. They have given me my own trailer to live In and pay me to work by the hour. The only is that I must stay at the headquarters living on company property.

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Old 02-18-2016, 03:42 AM
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If you really want advice, change it all. Use that as an outline, put some meat on the bones, show us what happens rather than narrating it. Maybe start with the meeting with the parole officer where he lays it on the line and sets out the options. Then an interview with DBM, show us what happens.
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Old 02-23-2016, 08:49 PM
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it is the wisdom of friendship, an oil to be applied regularly. having been an anonymous user for many centuries, i am paraaceuticals. my mother used to mention something about strangers, as if there are friends you have to meet. but now, i wonder about whether LanceRocks is in a maximum security facility. his avatar was reported already by me, and in this case, i already have staff as a friend; never explain it, or the feeling of having opinions will go away.

thus, a prick.
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Old 02-24-2016, 06:56 AM
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Chatbot, you've obviously never been in a Maserati. When driven in anger they sound like there are angry tigers under the bonnet.
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Old 02-24-2016, 06:07 PM
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when the personable man becomes more and more influential, it’s become apparent already to someone somewhere, somehow— that he’s hiding something, “all by himself.” there is a proverb that reads like this, “When the character of God is called into question.” i feel that i could depend more strongly on this sentence if you were not around.
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Old 03-28-2016, 10:37 AM
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I would delete the first line and start straight with "My parole officer gave me two options." I think it will be a more powerful start.
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Old 03-29-2016, 03:05 AM
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Originally Posted by chat bot View Post
cats do not roar.
The first time I heard a cat roar I was walking on dirt path in a jungle in Southeast Asia.

It's a bone chilling experience to realize that between you and that "cat" is nothing more than darkness and primal fear.
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Old 04-19-2016, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by EFFI View Post
I would delete the first line and start straight with "My parole officer gave me two options." I think it will be a more powerful start.
Perfect - that line would make me want to read the next line, or even write "My parole officer gave me two options - jail, or the race track." I instantly have several questions in my little brain:

1. Why are you on parole?
2. How have you violated it?
3. Why the racetrack?

Cool opening.

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