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What's living , if living a lie?

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Old 05-05-2009, 11:37 PM
writtenword (Offline)
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Default What's living , if living a lie?


Prologue
What's living , if living a lie? I asked myself before I made the biggest mistake of my life. I felt as if I were cheating myself, cheating life. I couldn't bear to even look at the pitiful liar in the face. Every morning thinking how I could change, but you can't change if your not willing. What would my dad do if he seen me like this turning out like someone he and I hated. Just another day will go by, I will think the same thing always the same things run by my mind.
I sat there looking inside a toilet, I've been leaning over it since I got home from school. My ears were ringing and I couldn't focus on an object for long. I pushed the pills , I took to much of and fell back smashing my head against the cold bathtub.

Chapter One:
"Tia sweetie, you okay in there?" she asked me through the change room door. I stubbed my toe on the wall and cursed, knowing she felt embarrassed. It's been four months since my incident , she hasn't let her sight off of me since. She blamed herself for me turning out the way I did. I can't blame her, why would she want to lose another person she dearly loves. "Yes mom , I just hit my toe" she knocked on the door wanting to make sure I was still breathing. "Honey let me in please!" I zipped up the dress and sighed finally facing my moms worried face, the face she has every time she looks my way. I opened the door and smiled a fake smile, "see no bruises". She ignored me and cooed at the dress she picked out. "It looks so adorable baby! Are you going to get it?" I rolled my eyes , and nodded my head. I'd just have to wear it once then she'd never notice after. I felt the pills my so-called friend gave me, I kind of told her that I had the anxiety attacks so she'd give me some of her benzo's. I felt bad at first, but I can't live without it. I've tried it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I shut the door and changed out of the dress, and slipped on my pants and my top. I threw the dress over the door, knowing my mom was scurrying to get it before it touched the dirty floor.I walked out, waiting impatiently at the till I just wanted to get home to my haven and be in happy mode. I guess I'm still the way I started out to begin with. The whole reason I almost died, was because I took pills yet here I am again taking more. I pushed the thought away, if I thought about it again I'd feel bad and become dead meat. I shivered then my mom came behind me and kissed my head before setting the items on the counter.

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Old 05-06-2009, 01:19 AM
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This is all a bit rushed, a bit breathless. You need to slow down and to share the moment with the reader. Unless you do, we're just looking at what seems to be an incoherent babble.

Inject some emotion and share the MC's thoughts with us. Delve a little deeper; give us the detail we need to be in the moment. Without that, it quickly divorces us from the scene and we can't feel anything, whether it be empathy, disgust or whatever.

The other thing to remember is that tales in 1st person about pilled up teens with angst are ten-a-penny. In order to do something that stands out in this genre, you need to be very good ... and original. So far, nothing here is original. Perhaps some honesty, some depth and a different point of view could lift this.

Don't give up, but give it a bit more time and bit more thought.
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