What's living , if living a lie?
What's living , if living a lie? I asked myself before I made the biggest mistake of my life. I felt as if I were cheating myself, cheating life. I couldn't bear to even look at the pitiful liar in the face. Every morning thinking how I could change, but you can't change if your not willing. What would my dad do if he seen me like this turning out like someone he and I hated. Just another day will go by, I will think the same thing always the same things run by my mind.
I sat there looking inside a toilet, I've been leaning over it since I got home from school. My ears were ringing and I couldn't focus on an object for long. I pushed the pills , I took to much of and fell back smashing my head against the cold bathtub.
"Tia sweetie, you okay in there?" she asked me through the change room door. I stubbed my toe on the wall and cursed, knowing she felt embarrassed. It's been four months since my incident , she hasn't let her sight off of me since. She blamed herself for me turning out the way I did. I can't blame her, why would she want to lose another person she dearly loves. "Yes mom , I just hit my toe" she knocked on the door wanting to make sure I was still breathing. "Honey let me in please!" I zipped up the dress and sighed finally facing my moms worried face, the face she has every time she looks my way. I opened the door and smiled a fake smile, "see no bruises". She ignored me and cooed at the dress she picked out. "It looks so adorable baby! Are you going to get it?" I rolled my eyes , and nodded my head. I'd just have to wear it once then she'd never notice after. I felt the pills my so-called friend gave me, I kind of told her that I had the anxiety attacks so she'd give me some of her benzo's. I felt bad at first, but I can't live without it. I've tried it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I shut the door and changed out of the dress, and slipped on my pants and my top. I threw the dress over the door, knowing my mom was scurrying to get it before it touched the dirty floor.I walked out, waiting impatiently at the till I just wanted to get home to my haven and be in happy mode. I guess I'm still the way I started out to begin with. The whole reason I almost died, was because I took pills yet here I am again taking more. I pushed the thought away, if I thought about it again I'd feel bad and become dead meat. I shivered then my mom came behind me and kissed my head before setting the items on the counter.
"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love,
from love to matrimony, in a moment."
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, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen