03-27-2012, 06:01 PM
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: United States
Untitled-Catch your attention?
This is the beginning of chapter one of a new story that I'm working on. I'm just wanting some feedback on how it reads, and if it keeps you interested and wanting to read more.
I stare across the dingy grey lunch table over at my twin sister. Nora twirled her fork around the slippery bits of spaghetti, not really intending on eating any of it. If you looked at us, you wouldn’t think we were twins. We’re the exact opposite. Nora’s all dark shades: dark brown hair, dark green eyes, and tan, smooth skin. I’m all light tones: blonde hair, light blue eyes, and pale, freckled skin.
Are you okay?
She glances up at me and grins. Nora and I are both telepathic. Our mother was telepathic and her mother was telepathic. And I’m sure her mother was telepathic. The gift runs through the Vixen line like wildfire. As far as I know, every female with even an ounce of Vixen blood has some telepathic abilities. Nora and I are fairly talented when it comes to using our gift. Our younger brother sat across from us, his arms crosses while he looked through a magazine. Every now and then the page turned of its own accord.
That’s Kyle’s special gift. The men in the Vixen gene pool are telekinetic. I threw a wadded up napkin at him. His head bobs up.
“What was that for?” he groused.
“You need to stop doing that,” Nora chirped. “Someone’s going to eventually see and then how will you explain it?”
“I’ll say it’s a magic trick I know. Besides, no one pays attention to us anyway. We’re the freaks of Fork Crest High,” he grinned mischievously. He wasn’t entirely lying about that. We were kind of considered lepers.
In elementary school, Nora and I had been inseparable, right down to being in the same classes every year. During fourth grade, we both decided that it’d be a cool idea to tell our best friend about our gifts. Well, Hayley didn’t find it so cool. In fact, she went screaming to our teacher once I spoke to her in her head. Since then we were both labeled at “freaks,” “nut jobs,” “fruit cakes,” and the ever popular “creepy freaks.” Yeah. Fork Crest is really original.
“Fay, get out of my head, please,” Kyle growled. I grinned sheepishly and withdrew. Our mother has taught Kyle to guard his mind against intruders, which he is surprisingly good at doing. He’s just not good enough to keep me out.
“There are a few cracks in your wall. I’d try to think of a different kind of block, one a little more solid. If I can get in, anyone with a little bit of skill won’t have a problem.” He waved my warning off, but in the middle of the gesture stopped mid-wave. A tingle ran up my spine and I turned around to try to find its source. Three students walk through the lunch room. In fact, their walk is more like a prowl. I watch them intently as they find a table to themselves. The small group consisted of one girl and two guys.
One of the guys looked up, his gaze boring into mine. My entire body stiffened. Warning bells were screaming through my head. And these warning bells weren’t an Edward Cullen kind of enticing warning. These warnings were telling me to stay the hell away from him.
I glanced back at Nora and she looked equally stiff.
Keep your mind closed, she hissed. I cocked my head and looked back at the group. The girl was staring now, her eyes closed to near slits. The third companion in the group looked up over his shoulder.
Why hello Fay Vixen. It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you. His voice slithered through my mind like a serpent and I gasped. They were telepaths. And they were stronger than us.