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"Pain of Love" .. A story- please review n help

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Old 01-24-2010, 02:45 PM
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Default "Pain of Love" .. A story- please review n help


~ Pain of Love ~

There was this girl, confident but reserved. For the whole world, she was a kind of happy person who has everything one can desire … she always had people around to talk to … to laugh with and to have great time together, but from deep inside she was just Alone with her pain which no one knew. She didn’t want to share that part of herself with anyone else but just with the person she would ever love or who will be her life partner.

Then she met that guy … he was kind of person with same ins and outs of life … lots of pain hidden underneath the strong shell of his outer personality and she always felt an attraction for such people … may be because she can feel how their pain must have felt like.

They befriended with each other and it was the first time when she got that close to anyone … he was the person who wanted to see the girl inside her … who wanted to know how vulnerable she actually was …

So their chemistry worked … he poured out a lots of his feelings … his perceptions … his pain and shared almost everything with her … she was hard in terms of letting things come out but his concern and consistency made her speak out and one day she poured every pain of her life to him … he listened keenly and at the end just smiled and said, “I saw that girl today”.

Days and weeks passed and they got closer with each passing moment. It was one fine day and they were having chit-chat and enjoying their time when all of a sudden he said, “I Love You” … she was dumb-founded by this statement and froze for a minute but then, composed herself and lightened the mood and scene and he too wasn’t sure of what to say next so let her change the topic.

It was not like she doesn’t like him but they both were not suppose to love each other … Fate was playing its brutal role here as well … it brought them closer … granted them deep care for each other but didn’t make them Destiny for each other and they knew it.

But cupid too had to play its role, so gradually and involuntarily, their feelings started taking another shape and reaching to next level … and finally heart started beating for each other.

They never told this to each other but have felt it … their love was expressing itself in whatever they say … whatever they do.

He wanted to make her laugh and take away all her pain … she wanted to bring all the happiness to him. They talked hours and hours everyday and still felt the thirst for each other. Their silence spoke … their gaze expressed and they were happiest than ever together.

Her heart started missing few beats whenever he stared at her contently … heat flowed through her body whenever he said something affectionate and cherished.

Their love wasn't confined to pleasing moments ... they argued over things so many times but every fight brought them closer.

Few months passed in this tranquility of silent love, when she realized its hard to resist now … no matter what fate has written for them, she’s going to love him and with her full heart she confessed to herself that she was in Love.

She thought, “Wow! What a great feeling to be loved like this by the person you’re madly in love with”. Then, there was no barrier of fate for her to hold her feelings so became more expressive and no matter how badly he wanted her, he decided to stop her.

He said, “We can’t love each other for the rest of our lives … there’s no way which leads to our togetherness … I love you for what you are but we should stop it right now, otherwise it would be just painful for both of us”.

She said, “Why can’t we just be like this as long as we can … why we should stop just because we can’t have a future together?”

But he knew what he needed to do, so he decided to leave … to go far away from her.

When she heard this news she broke down completely … he didn’t came to see her because he knew he can’t say good-bye to her ... so left silently.

She was waiting for him but when he didn’t show up and she could reach to him by any mean, she wrote him a letter and dropped it to his place to tell him that nothing can change her feelings for him and she didn’t love him just to have a future together, although it was her greatest wish. She thought she might get her best friend and love back but cruel fate was stronger.

The letter reads;

I can’t stop loving you, just because you would be Far away from Me …

I will love you because you’re very Close to my Soul … right there in my heart.

I can’t stop loving you, just because you won’t Think of me …

I will love you because I can’t Think anything else but You.

I can’t stop loving you, just because there would be no more moments to Cherish with You …

I will love you because those Moments of your Love & Togetherness were Everlasting.

I can’t stop loving you, just because you won’t be Around when I would Need you …

I will love you because I Feel your Arms Around even if you’re not.

I can’t stop loving you, even if you were Harsh to me at times …

I will love you because feeling of your love is so Pleasing and Soothing.

I can’t stop loving you, just because you’re making me Cry now …

I will love you because thought of your love makes me Smile all the time.

I can’t stop loving you, just because you Don’t Want to love me any more …

I will love you because I Love you Unconditionally My Love!”

But he was not there to read her deepest feeling and she became All Alone once again but this time memories of his care, concern and love keep her occupied all the time so she has no other pain but Pain of Love and abandoned.

***************

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Old 01-24-2010, 02:59 PM
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Hello dear fellows!
Actually I want to participate in a web-based competition (of anything of A4 size page which could be story, letter, poetry, illustration or whatever).
So I wrote this one ... now tell me honestly whether it's worth participating in any such competition or not?
And where there's a need of re-do in the whole story. I underlined few things where I myself not satisfied with my wordings, there could be more ... so please help me here that what way the message would look better and seem something with emotions.
I knew people here are far better and they critique so thought better take your views first over this.
Plus this is bit longer than A4 size, so I need to cut it short as well ... can you tell me which one is less important part? or where I can edit things shorter?

And yea in the letter part, the actual lines were like (I have written that earlier) "I WILL KEEP LOVING you ..." rather than "I will love you ..." but here I changed it ... so tell me this too that which way its better.

Thanks in advance and prompt response would be appreciated : )

Regards,
sam
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:23 AM
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No comment so far!!!!!! hmmm
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:05 AM
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Stories don't usually have centre-justification. Makes 'em hard to read. You might try standard left-justification.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:53 AM
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hmmm didn't exactly get what u meant to say!!

plus I needed to tell the whole thing in this short space limit ... that's why I didn't/couldn't put that kind of details ... I mean according to as much I can think of your suggestion of making it hard to read.
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Old 01-25-2010, 01:48 PM
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This is your work, as you have it, with centre justification:

There was this girl, confident but reserved. For the whole world, she was a kind of happy person who has everything one can desire … she always had people around to talk to … to laugh with and to have great time together, but from deep inside she was just Alone with her pain which no one knew. She didn’t want to share that part of herself with anyone else but just with the person she would ever love or who will be her life partner.

Then she met that guy … he was kind of person with same ins and outs of life … lots of pain hidden underneath the strong shell of his outer personality and she always felt an attraction for such people … may be because she can feel how their pain must have felt like.




This is how it would look with left justification:

There was this girl, confident but reserved. For the whole world, she was a kind of happy person who has everything one can desire … she always had people around to talk to … to laugh with and to have great time together, but from deep inside she was just Alone with her pain which no one knew. She didn’t want to share that part of herself with anyone else but just with the person she would ever love or who will be her life partner.

Then she met that guy … he was kind of person with same ins and outs of life … lots of pain hidden underneath the strong shell of his outer personality and she always felt an attraction for such people … may be because she can feel how their pain must have felt like.


Left justification is easier to read, which is why it is the standard format for fiction. If you left-justify all your text, people might find it easier to read. That is what I am suggesting - that you make it easier for people to read what you have written - not that you add anything to your story. Just a suggestion.
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Old 01-25-2010, 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Q Wands View Post
This is your work, as you have it, with centre justification:

There was this girl, confident but reserved. For the whole world, she was a kind of happy person who has everything one can desire … she always had people around to talk to … to laugh with and to have great time together, but from deep inside she was just Alone with her pain which no one knew. She didn’t want to share that part of herself with anyone else but just with the person she would ever love or who will be her life partner.

Then she met that guy … he was kind of person with same ins and outs of life … lots of pain hidden underneath the strong shell of his outer personality and she always felt an attraction for such people … may be because she can feel how their pain must have felt like.




This is how it would look with left justification:

There was this girl, confident but reserved. For the whole world, she was a kind of happy person who has everything one can desire … she always had people around to talk to … to laugh with and to have great time together, but from deep inside she was just Alone with her pain which no one knew. She didn’t want to share that part of herself with anyone else but just with the person she would ever love or who will be her life partner.

Then she met that guy … he was kind of person with same ins and outs of life … lots of pain hidden underneath the strong shell of his outer personality and she always felt an attraction for such people … may be because she can feel how their pain must have felt like.


Left justification is easier to read, which is why it is the standard format for fiction. If you left-justify all your text, people might find it easier to read. That is what I am suggesting - that you make it easier for people to read what you have written - not that you add anything to your story. Just a suggestion.


ohhh .... n my mind was wondering what it could be regarding story : ) ... yea I too felt it just after submitting but we don't have this option while editing so I cudn't do it : (

anyway thanks ... am posting it again n hopefully now ppl will read it : )
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Old 01-25-2010, 02:15 PM
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Pain of Love (or Love- A Painful Treasure)

There was this girl, confident but reserved, loving in her nature and beautiful not only by her face but by her soul as well and always well-admired by people for what she was. For all, she was a happy soul who had people around to talk to, to laugh with and to have great time together, but from deep inside she was just Alone with her pain which no one knew. Everyone had seen her beautiful smile but no one ever could notice when her eyes didn't meet her smile and she didn’t want to share that part of herself with anyone either. She kept it buried for someone special-the person she would ever love and go along with for the rest of her life.

Then, she met that (or this?) guy. He was kind of person with same ins and outs of life and lots of pain hidden underneath the strong shell of his outer personality outer self and she always felt an attraction for was attracted to such people because she can feel how their pain must have felt like and how badly they need someone who could really care from the depth of his/her heart and be like a soothing caress on a hurting wound.

So they befriended with each other and it was the first time happened for the first time when she got that close to anyone. She felt as he was worth being totally herself with (<-something sounds odd to me here is it fine?) as with all of his loving heart, he was the person the only one who wanted to see the girl inside her and wanted to know how vulnerable she actually was.

So their chemistry worked and their compatibility served as a catalyst to it. He started pouring out lots of his feelings, his perceptions, his pain and shared almost everything with her. She was hard in terms of letting things come out but his concern and consistency made her speak out and one day she poured every pain of her life to him. He listened keenly and at the end when, after finishing, she raised her head and looked at him, he just smiled and said, “I saw that girl today”.

Days and weeks passed and they got closer with each passing moment as if every thing then, was just happening to strengthen their bond. It was one fine day and when they were having chit-chat (talking doesn't look fine to me here) and enjoying their time when all of a sudden he said, “I Love You”. She was dumb-founded by this statement and froze for a minute but then, composed herself and lightened the mood and the whole scene and since he too wasn’t sure of what to say next so he let her change the topic.

It was not like she doesn’t like or love him as a friend but they both were not suppose to love each other the other way. They can't be destined with each other which they knew but fate was playing its brutal role here as well by it brought bringing them closer and granted them deep care and unintentional love for the other one but didn’t make them Destiny for each other and they knew it.

But cupid too had to play its role something has to be happened, so gradually and involuntarily, their feelings started taking another shape and reached to next level where finally their hearts started beating for each other and they became one soul.

Although they never shared this with each other but have felt it. Their love was expressing itself in whatever they say, whatever they do.

All he wanted is to make her laugh and take away all her pain. She wanted to bring all the happiness to him. They talked hours and hours everyday and still felt they need more to make the most of their togetherness. Their silence spoke, their gaze expressed the hidden feelings and together, they were happiest than ever together.

Her heart started missing few beats whenever he looked at her contently. Heat flowed through her body whenever he said something affectionate and cherished.
Their love wasn't confined to pleasing moments as he did get mad on her sometime or they had argued over things so many times as well but every fight brought them closer.

Few months passed in this tranquility of silent love, when she realized "it's hard to resist now and no matter what fate has written for them, she's going to love him with her full heart" so she confessed to herself that she was in Love.

Then, there was no barrier of fate for her to hold her feelings so she too became more expressive which eased things between them and which made him love her more.

“Wow! What a great feeling to be loved like this by the person you’re madly in love with” she thought.
Things went this way for sometime and they were so overwhelmed with that new bond that even most of their deepest wounds didn't seem like hurting anymore. Pain seemed too mild to overcome the ecstasy of their love.

But then, the time came when bitter reality flashed back and like as if all this was a most cherished dream, he woke up to the reality.
He knew this one thing that no matter how badly he wanted her, he had to stop this and leave her
decided to stop her.

“We can’t love each other for the rest of our lives, there's no way which leads to our everlasting togetherness and you know that. I love you for what you are but we should stop it right now, otherwise it would be just so hard and irresistible to step back and which will only be painful for both of us” he tried to make her understand this and accept the fact.

She insisted (or it should be at the end of sentences?), “Why can’t we just be like this as long as we can? Why should we stop just because we can’t have a future together?”

But he knew what he needed to do, so he decided to leaveto go far away from her. Without telling her anything about his decision, he worked on his plan and finally the day came but he didn’t visit her because he knew he can’t say good-bye to her and her beautiful face won't let him go either besides the fact that it would be hard to hide this pain of leaving her from those deep eyes which has capability to read his soul, so he left silently.

She was waiting for him but when few days passed and he didn’t show up, she went to his place and found out it was locked and there was an envelope slipped over the door hinge. She took it and fear wrapped her up when saw her name written on it. With trembling fingers, she opened it. There was just a paper which read,
"I am leaving and may be won't ever come back because it's the only better way for us. Please forgive me and face it with courage.
with love"
.

She was shocked and broke down completely. Tears were falling down her cheeks but she wasn't crying as if she wasn't feeling anything. Too much pain had made her numb . A couple of days passed in this numbness, but still she had a feeling that he's just trying to prepared mentally and he will come back soon enough. She kept visiting him everyday with hope but when nothing happened, she wrote him a letter and slid it to his place to tell him that nothing can change her feelings for him and she didn’t love him just to have a future together, although it was her greatest wish. She thought she might get her best friend and love back but cruel fate was stronger.


The letter read;

I can’t stop loving you, just because you would be Far away from Me …

I will love you because you’re very Close to my Soul … right there in my heart.

I can’t stop loving you, just because you won’t Think of me …

I will love you because I can’t Think anything else but You.

I can’t stop loving you, just because there won't be any moment anymore to Cherish with You …

I will love you because those Moments of our Love & Togetherness were Everlasting.

I can’t stop loving you, just because you won’t be Around when I would Need you …

I will love you because I Feel your Arms Around even if you’re not.

I can’t stop loving you, even if you were Harsh to me at times …

I will love you because feeling of your love is so Pleasing and Soothing.

I can’t stop loving you, just because you’re making me Cry now …

I will love you because thought of your love makes me Smile all the time.

I can’t stop loving you, just because you Don’t Want to love me any more …

I will love you because I Love you Unconditionally My Love!”

But he was not there to read her deepest feeling and she became all alone once again but this time memories of his care, concern and love kept her occupied all the time and now she has no other pain but Pain of Love and Abandoned.

P.S: When I wrote this earlier, I had words limit so I squeezed things up. Now I have added those missing connecting lines plus few more things to expand the vision (of reader) and let my story breathe bit freely : ).
So hopefully it will leave better impression on reader now.

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Last edited by fun2learn; 01-14-2011 at 12:32 PM.. Reason: changes made as per suggestions
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Old 01-13-2011, 04:52 PM
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Okay, Sam, now I see your story.
Here come the suggestions;
1. get rid of that underline in the first paragraph
2. get rid of all this ... stuff
3. get rid of the other underline

do that and I will begin to read it
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Old 01-13-2011, 05:34 PM
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okie ... (oOops another " ... " 'cause I use it as the pause and where the things are separated from each other)

anyway I will edit it later today ... I was just reviewing someone's story "A Crazy day" which took enough of my time and am late now
so see you later ...
Take care and thanks for digging it out : )
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Old 01-14-2011, 01:38 AM
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Originally Posted by fun2learn View Post
I will edit it later today
Clear and declaritive.
I will return and we will progress with the work.

Later on, Sam

Nick
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Old 01-14-2011, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Clear and declaritive.
I will return and we will progress with the work.

Later on, Sam

Nick
I am done Nick (re-read may cause some more changes though). Now you can take a look of it and have your say. (Post # 8)

but hey! I was wondering this that how you edited (underline thing) my post? and even the quote message was changed!! *thinking .... and I can't google it by the way
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Old 01-14-2011, 03:04 PM
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I changed the quote messge in an effort to show you how to write a clear and declaritive sentence.
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Old 01-14-2011, 03:09 PM
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Okay, Sam, I have read your story. "Their silence spoke" You wrote that. That is an immortal line.
Why?
Silence can't speak.
Yet we know we can know things that are not spoken.
So
"Their silence spoke" is a metaphorically clear and declaritive statement.
Makes for immortal in my world.
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Old 01-14-2011, 03:16 PM
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Why the guy chose to fly is not in the story. His letters words are missing. Mystery unexplained is okay in writing if it is set up well. Here, it ain't.

You cleaned this up well. I can see your english bumps better.
The story is not new. All tales have been told. It is in the retelling that the authors art is revealed.
Your art needs development.
Princess Bride. Read it. It will help you.
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Old 01-14-2011, 03:26 PM
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No. It won't help you.
Only you can help you.
I believe you can use the story telling skills that are simply dripping from the paragraphs in P. B. (really, how many more times was I gonna spell it out?) to, as you say, 'catch' ways to evolve your ability.

And if I'm wrong you will have material for a poem about how dumb Nick Pierce is.

See? You can't lose.
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Old 01-14-2011, 03:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
I changed the quote message in an effort to show you how to write a clear and declarative sentence.
yea I got you then that you were showing that it's better way to say things (I was clear this time that what I will do so I wrote a clear sentence) ... but what you changed? I said the same na!

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Okay, Sam, I have read your story. "Their silence spoke" You wrote that. That is an immortal line.
Why?
Silence can't speak.
Yet we know we can know things that are not spoken.
So
"Their silence spoke" is a metaphorically clear and declarative statement.
Makes for immortal in my world.
again! see the way you said this, it's vague for me :$ @ makes for immortal
not sure if you're again telling me that this is how we use metaphorical words (which I wasn't new when you told me) or you're saying it's wrong way to put words that way! ??

In poetry/story or any other fiction we do use such things which is Impossible verbally. We don't put it as for literal meaning but metaphorically e.g
"when you caress me I feel as if I am floating on the clouds"
so of course none of us can float like that however we can still feel like that : )


Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Why the guy chose to fly is not in the story. His letters words are missing. Mystery unexplained is okay in writing if it is set up well. Here, it ain't.

You cleaned this up well. I can see your English bumps better.
The story is not new. All tales have been told. It is in the retelling that the authors art is revealed.
Your art needs development.
Princess Bride. Read it. It will help you.
errmm as I said I didn't expanded the story much with every detail, but it is mentioned that they were not meant to be together ... means say, Not Possible for them to get married ... sooner or later, they have to get separated from each other ... that's the reason for guy leaving her.

Besides, I have plot in my mind as its second part like their re-union and so ... may be I'll write that someday.

And yeah I have got The Princess Bride file, so hopefully soon enough I will be indulging into it.
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Old 01-14-2011, 03:59 PM
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maybe not 'better' but, for me, clearer

its right way to put words that way

"Not Possible" is not a reason.

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 01-14-2011 at 04:02 PM..
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
No. It won't help you.
Only you can help you.
I believe you can use the story telling skills that are simply dripping from the paragraphs in P. B. (really, how many more times was I gonna spell it out?) to, as you say, 'catch' ways to evolve your ability.

And if I'm wrong you will have material for a poem about how dumb Nick Pierce is.

See? You can't lose.
pardon me!!
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
maybe not 'better' but, for me, clearer

its right way to put words that way
yeah right

if one is clearer (in her/his thought), s/he would say things that clearly ...
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by fun2learn View Post
And I got The Princess Bride file, soon I will be indulging in it.
Clear and declaritive.
Your way is c&d for you, I'm sure.
I ain't sayin' change it.
But it sure helps to have more than one finger to oppose the thumb, eh?
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
&quot;Not Possible&quot; is not a reason.
: ) even when the story is not focused on "why"? If it was written with all the details (like their background, how they met, why they both had a hurting soul etc etc) I must have lightened this part as well. but anyway I will see what else I can do with the same plot. Thanks for your views.
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by fun2learn View Post
pardon me!!
not understanding why this "pardon me!!" with this citation

sure is declaritive, though
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
not understanding why this "pardon me!!" with this citation

sure is declarative, though

'cause I didn't get you almost at all in that message of yours ...

and how many times I have to correct 'declarAtive'? : )
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by fun2learn View Post
and how many times I have to correct 'declarAtive'? : )
Nice one, Sam.

I am impressed.

Looking forward to more critiques from you on my work.
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:32 PM
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Do you think, in a way, the effort it takes us to be understood (sorta) by each other shows us how difficult it is for those of our cultures to get along?
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Old 01-14-2011, 04:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Nice one, Sam.

I am impressed.

Looking forward to more critiques from you on my work.
well you were continuously doing it as your 'immeasurEably' but I just corrected in quote messages without mentioning any spelling errors that it might sound as if I am returning the Ball to you ;(

By the way what was that P.B and what you had to spell many times?

Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Do you think, in a way, the effort it takes us to be understood (sorta) by each other shows us how difficult it is for those of our cultures to get along?
yea definitely ... but at the same time I would say that not necessarily, it has been/would be difficult for people from our cultures to get along. It depends on individuals and their understanding. just like not necessarily you be feeling same difficulty with anyone else from my culture and vice versa.
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Old 01-14-2011, 05:11 PM
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P.B.=Princess Bride
They have You Tube clips. I was watching some just now. Westley is a good lookin' guy. I mean, if good lookin'...good place to stop, Nick.
Uhhh, there is a clip where Westley & Buttercup are in the Fire Swamp and a R.O.U.S. (Rodent Of Unusual Size)...okay, I'm not gonna spoil it.

Last edited by Nick Pierce; 01-14-2011 at 05:40 PM..
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Old 01-15-2011, 06:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
P.B.=Princess Bride
They have You Tube clips. I was watching some just now. Westley is a good lookin' guy. I mean, if good lookin'...good place to stop, Nick.
Uhhh, there is a clip where Westley & Buttercup are in the Fire Swamp and a R.O.U.S. (Rodent Of Unusual Size)...okay, I'm not gonna spoil it.
yeahh ... don't spoil the charm.

right @ P.B
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Old 04-06-2015, 09:37 AM
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There are a lot of missing words for example "He was (the) kind of person with same ins and outs of life" its missing the in this sentence which would make it less cumbersome to read... there are quite a few sentences that are missing those types of words 'a, the, etc.. without them the sentences don't flow as naturally.
He did get mad on her maybe change to at her instead... also some of your tenses are off. trying to prepared mentally was he trying to be prepared or trying to prepare. Otherwise I like the vision of the story just watch those minor things.
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