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I Cannot Write

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  #1  
Old 03-17-2010, 05:16 PM
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Default I Cannot Write


A new poem, I was depressed because I knew I was going to fail the Spanish test I took today...meh.

I Cannot Write
I cannot write.
My pen has no ink,
My pencil, no lead.
My erasers are gone,
My mind is blank.
I cannot write.
My paper is in shreds,
My head, it aches,
My eyes are blurry.
Silence lies all around me,
I cannot write.
My thoughts are stemmed,
My imagination bleak,
My body frozen,
The words no longer come,
The lines have run away.
I cannot write.
My stories have ended,
My poems are done.
I, am gone...



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Old 03-17-2010, 08:47 PM
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I don't like the ending but it was okay.
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Old 03-23-2010, 05:59 PM
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Hmm, I know exactly how this poem feels! I was on a writing high for months in a row, and then one day - blah! No more inspiration, no more ideas, nothing. Since I'm super bored right now, I'm going to do something I never do, and attempt to give out multiple pieces of advice.

If I had to pick at one thing only, I might suggest you remove the line

My erasers are gone
Because the poem is about how you cannot write, and erasers are for getting rid of what you've already written, so it just doesn't seem relevant to the rest of the poem. At least it doesn't to me, but depending on how you interpreted your poem, you may disagree.

I also noted that there are four lines in between every repetition of the phrase "I cannot write" except for the third one, where there are five lines. If you were to maybe switch a line out, say like:


I cannot write.
My thoughts are stemmed,
My imagination bleak,
My body frozen,
The words no longer come,
I cannot write. <<<Here, instead of underneath "The lines have run away"
The lines have run away.
My stories have ended,
My poems are done.
I, am gone...
It might maintain the overall flow of the poem a lot better.

And just for the sake of argument, lets say you take Winterstorm's advice and change the last line. Now, I'm going to scan my brain and suggest something like . . . . . . . .wait for it . . . . . . . . no really . . . . . . .here it comes . . . aha!

I cannot write.
The lines have run away.
My stories have ended,
My poems are done.
My fingers are numb.
It makes sense to me, since the last section of the poem has a stronger sense of "The End", and numb fingers are incredibly difficult to do anything with.

But, that's just my opinion, and I do hope it was helpful to you . . . otherwise, Good job, and keep at it!
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