WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


The Farmer's Wife And Her Two Shades Of Blue

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-06-2011, 07:28 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,438
Thanks: 2,001
Thanks 1,069
Default The Farmer's Wife And Her Two Shades Of Blue


The Farmer's Wife And Her Two Shades Of Blue

I feel a frisk! Feel light! Feel free!
Don't know what's come over me!
Twinkling eyes,
Burning thighs
Feel that kundalini rise
Hurry home! Feelin' blue!
Got a need, and that need's you.

I washed your shirts and made the bed
The tractor's oiled, the chickens fed
Washed your plate
Greased the gate
All this stuff to lubricate!
Hurry home! Feelin' blue!
There's something that we've gotta do!


Put new slates up on the barn
Still got all your socks to darn
Dropping stitches
Something itches
All this tingling in my britches
Hurry home! Feelin' blue!
I'll spoil the sheets for spoilin' you!

I hung your coat, it smelt of musk
I'm horny as a rhino's tusk
Feeling spry
Don't know why
Babe, I've made you apple pie
Hurry home! Feelin blue!
The kitchen floor will have to do!

Pulled out that tree stump by its roots
And scraped the dung off all your boots
Shelled the peas,
I'm on my knees
There's WOMAN in these dungarees!
Hurry home! Feeling blue!
Unsheath your sword and run me through!

Something got my engine fired
But now I just feel... so darn tired
Same old drill
Pigs and swill
I just need a headache pill
Hurry home.... feelin' blue
Dinner's burnt, I'm mad at you.

My fingernails are black with dirt
My back's sore and my bunions hurt
Such a slog
You're a hog
You'll find your dinner in the dog
Hurry home.... feelin blue
When I wake up I'm leaving you....
 

__________________
GRACE GABRIEL

Last edited by Grace Gabriel; 07-07-2011 at 03:28 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-06-2011, 09:01 AM
Ethan Blake's Avatar
Ethan Blake (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Pillars of Hercules
Posts: 1,540
Thanks: 718
Thanks 347
Send a message via AIM to Ethan Blake Send a message via Skype™ to Ethan Blake
Default

Hi Grace,
Fantastic read had me smiling and laughing all through, echoes of Pam Ayres. Loved every line of it.
Best Regards
David
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

'THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD!'

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-06-2011, 01:46 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,438
Thanks: 2,001
Thanks 1,069
Default

Many thanks Signor Wallace. Nice to see you - missed you around the site of late.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-06-2011, 01:58 PM
JoeMatt (Offline)
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 6,394
Thanks: 441
Thanks 1,526
Default

The rhymes in this are right on -- and it's pretty funny too. These would make great lyrics.

It seems like there could be more of transition in moods, though -- maybe a stanza where there's some kind of shift happening.

Nice work!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to JoeMatt For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (07-06-2011)
  #5  
Old 07-06-2011, 02:08 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,686
Thanks: 1,949
Thanks 1,262
Default

"and that need's you"
perhaps
'and that need is you'
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Nick Pierce For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (07-06-2011)
  #6  
Old 07-06-2011, 03:04 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,438
Thanks: 2,001
Thanks 1,069
Default

Good suggestion Nick - but when I read it out loud, I think it messes the rythm. (Did you try it?)

Thanks for your comments JoeMatt. Us women folk can go from rampant to rankled in the space of seconds! Wanted the mood shift to be a quick, hormonal swing! Many thanks for the read, and comments.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-06-2011, 04:22 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,686
Thanks: 1,949
Thanks 1,262
Default

Originally Posted by Grace Gabriel View Post
Good suggestion Nick - but when I read it out loud, I think it messes the rythm. (Did you try it?)
Yes, I tried it. It moves quickly. It depends from the relationship betwixt the two folks. If you slow it for a moment, where noted, the connection between the entire piece's sentiment and the absent fella is established in a primary manner.

Isn't this what you intend by bold fonting "you"?

I would also like to suggest you consider 'there's a woman in these dungarees' (how unfortunate- two dungs of opposed scent so close together) in place of the current structure. Same reason as the 'is you'.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Nick Pierce For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (07-07-2011)
  #8  
Old 07-06-2011, 06:48 PM
Nick Pierce's Avatar
Nick Pierce (Offline)
Samuel Johnson, obviously!
Official Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6,686
Thanks: 1,949
Thanks 1,262
Default

"breeches" has an alternative spelling- britches.
It rhymes with stitches.
It rhymes with itches.
__________________
Through the smoke and fog there comes a form ... shape shifting ... could this be the Future?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Nick Pierce For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (07-07-2011)
  #9  
Old 07-07-2011, 01:41 AM
Nadja
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Top marks for using the word 'kundalini'
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (07-07-2011)
  #10  
Old 07-07-2011, 03:09 AM
Redlorry
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Excellent humor. I enjoyed this very much. Although I did think some of the rhyming was pushed to the limit... 'breeches'
However as it was a fun rhyme I don't think it affected the flow at all.

You got me once again with this from the mod perspective too. When I got to the line about a rhino's tusk I was thinking this will need moving to the adult forum... but once again you threw the curve in there, lol.

Really good fun.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to For This Useful Post:
Grace Gabriel (07-07-2011)
  #11  
Old 07-07-2011, 03:27 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,438
Thanks: 2,001
Thanks 1,069
Default

That backs up Nick's point about spelling "breeches" as "britches". Thanks for that Nick, as I wasn't sure if the latter was o.k. I'll edit that now.

Really appreciate the help. Thanks guys.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-10-2011, 10:34 AM
Waterpoor's Avatar
Waterpoor (Offline)
Homer's Odyssey Was Nothing
Official Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwestern New Mexico
Posts: 1,059
Thanks: 126
Thanks 377
Default comment

I really like this one. I know about the farmer and the wife. Skillful use of images and great humor.

In the first line did you mean frisk as a verb or adjective?

Keep on writing!
R.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-10-2011, 02:53 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,438
Thanks: 2,001
Thanks 1,069
Default

Many thanks Waterpoor. Read your piece earlier...loved it, but too tired to form a coherent critique! Will go back in the morning, promise. G'night.
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-11-2011, 02:36 PM
KBR (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Monterey CA
Posts: 1,917
Thanks: 1,063
Thanks 655
Default

I loved the way it slowed down at the end. It went perfectly with the change in mood. I'm ok with imperfect rhyme. Perfect rhyme is a task master. Perfect meter makes you read a poem like you have a conductor's baton in your hand. Unless you state the key and meter of the poem to the left of the first line like music notation, I prefer a looser approach.

This poem tickled me as well. There's an every woman quality to the read. Just to help ongoing male and female communications...the chores aren't as important. KBR
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-12-2011, 09:36 AM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,438
Thanks: 2,001
Thanks 1,069
Default

Thanks K!

"The chores aren't as important" - my kinda guy.....
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-18-2017, 03:13 PM
Grace Gabriel's Avatar
Grace Gabriel (Offline)
Always Online
Official Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,438
Thanks: 2,001
Thanks 1,069
Default

Remembering the days when you gave sharp-eyed, insightful and on point critique Mr P - I am the Frankenstein you helped give life to. Thank you.

I'll keep writing on this listing ship until the water claims my keyboard. Until then - "gentlemen - it's been a privilege playing with you tonight."
__________________
GRACE GABRIEL
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 04-18-2017, 08:27 PM
brianpatrick's Avatar
brianpatrick (Offline)
Verbosity Pales
Official Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,935
Thanks: 362
Thanks 866
Default

Nick?

Yeah, he still does that. Except, he tends to make one work for it now.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-06-2017, 11:42 PM
KBR (Offline)
Heartbreaking Writer of Staggering Genius
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Monterey CA
Posts: 1,917
Thanks: 1,063
Thanks 655
Default

This is still as wonderful as the first time I read it. Flirty and fun every part works together to give you full surround sound hippy and swing makes me love the whole thing.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:12 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.