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A little short story i wrote

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Old 06-01-2007, 04:27 PM
Stuart1512 (Offline)
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Default A little short story i wrote


Disturbing The Dead


The two thieves walked the graveyard taking each step with care, one of them was a big fat man called Blackie who carried the two shovels him and his partner would use to dig up the graves. His partner Claude was a medium height skinny man with blonde hair and a stubble.
The two men worked for a man who ran a big business in crime, Claude and Blackie’s speciality was grave robbing and they did a damn good job at that. There boss had ordered them to the graveyard in Arkham to dig up the grave of a rich fellow who was supposed to be buried with some wealthy possessions of his.
Claude carried his torch in his left hand and slung his bag over the other that contained Blackies torch and a few other belongings.
The night was growing long and an owl hooted then fluttered off to find its meal, the tomb stones stood there like little soldiers watching the two men approach them hoping that they wouldn’t be the ones to be disturbed.
“we better get a move on” Claude told his partner “The boss will be wondering where we are”
“Yeah” replied Blackie “this place gives me the creeps and I really mean that”
“Won’t be long now Blackie, the old man’s grave is just up ahead”
Blackie let out a sigh of relief and walked the rest of the way with his partner, they had come to one of those houses where they kept the old rich guys.
“where here” Claude whispered
“Good” Blackie said in relief “now lets dig up the old guy and take what ever it is the boss wants”
Claude nodded and went to the front door of the small house only realising it was locked with a giant padlock. Blackie gently put the shovels down then took out a wire, he went to the lock then began to pick it, Blackie grunted in frustration when he almost couldn’t do it and nearly snapped the wire.
“Damn Blackie be careful”
“Sorry Claude, these locks are just a pain in the arse to open sometimes and I need concentration”
Claude stuffed his arms inside the pockets off his black leather jacket then looked up at the night sky and began to whistle while Blackie picked the lock.
Almost five minutes past when the lock suddenly broke “Got it Claude” Blackie whispered over to his partner. Blackie took the lock and then threw it down onto the floor next to his feet. He put his hand on the door then opened it gently being careful not to make a big enough noise.
The inside of room was filled with dust and in the middle of it was a giant stone coffin. “Bingo” Blackie whispered under his breath “Claude where in”
The two men entered the room then each gazed at the stone coffin.
“Should we open it now?” Blackie asked
“Of course idiot that’s why where here” Claude replied
Blackie sighed then the two of them walked over to the coffin Blackie on the front and Claude on back, the two men grabbed the end of the coffin and lifted it up, it made a scraping noise as it was lifted off its resting place.
The two men placed the stone lid on the floor being careful not to drop it and break it. Lots off dust shot up from the grave, the two men covered there faces with there arms and waited for the dust to past.
Looking up at the two robbers was the man who’s prized possession they where going to steal, the skeleton was dressed up in a black suit and in its arms it was holding an old dusty book with a brown cover.
“That’s it?” Blackie asked “a stupid book”
“must be something the boss really wants if he wants us to rob a book from a dead guy” Claude remarked
“Fine lets get it then get home and get our fifty grand”
Claude carefully removed the book from the dead mans fingers and took the book under his left arm.
“Lets see what that book is” Blackie said
Claude passed the book over to Blackie who almost dropped it with his stubby fingers “Careful DAMMIT that book is our lottery ticket” Claude said angrily
Blackie grunted then crouched down on his hind legs and opened the book, the title was Necronomicon and Blackie let out a big laugh
“Hey Claude take a look at this”
Claude came crouched down and looked at the books title and his eyes widened with horror “Blackie I think I saw that book somewhere before but I can’t remember where”
“Lets take a look inside it then”
Blackie opened the front page and on it was a skull looking straight at the two robbers. The books title was also underneath the skull but it had no author, Blackie opened the first page and it was filled with a strange language that Blackie nor Claude had ever seen before.
“What kind of language is that?” Claude asked
“Dunno, looks like loony language to me” Blackie replied
“Read some of it”
Blackie cleared his throat and began to trace the words with his eyes before reading them out loud. After Blackie had read the words the ground beneath them began to shake.
“What the hell is going on?”
“I think this book did this” Blackie said “Maybe instead of given our boss this book then we can keep it ourselves and become rich”
“Hell no Blackie” Claude protested “I’m taking my fifty grand and getting out of here”
Claude walked towards the door and opened it gently, he looked outside to see if the shake affected the graveyard. Claude’s eyes widened in terror as he saw hands shooting up from the ground and people coming out of there graves.
He quickly closed the door and sank down onto his knees and began to shake.
“Claude?” Blackie asked “What is it”
“What the hell did you say to make them come?” Claude yelled at his friend
“Just the opening words” Blackie replied “Why?”
“Because idiot there’s freaking Zombies outside”
“let me check” Blackie said then began to walk over to the door
“Christ no” Claude said and stood up using himself as a barricade against his friend “there’s no way in hell I’m going to get killed by zombies”
“Just let me have a look”
“No you’re the ones who brought them to life so you fix it” Claude yelled at his friend
Blackie went over to the book that was lying down on the floor next to the lid. He picked it up again and carefully turned the pages, the weirdest thing was that now the book was completely legible.
“Claude” Blackie said “you’re not gonna believe this”
“What is it now Blackie?” Claude asked
“The book its in English now instead of that weird language” Blackie replied
“let me see” Claude said then walked over to his friend and grabbed the book from him Claude had that same confused look his friend did when he saw that the language had changed.
“Find a way to reverse this before they barge in here and eat us” Claude told Blackie
Blackie grunted and began to flick through the book, sweat was dripping down from Blackies face as he skimmed the pages with his tiny finger. “THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE” Blackie shouted and threw the book onto the floor.
Claude got mad and scolded his friend then went to the door and opened it to see how if they had made it to them yet, he opened the door and standing in front of him was a dead man in his thirties dressed in a black suit like the corpse in the stone coffin. The man saw Claude and bared its teeth then went in for the kill just before Blackie pulled Claude back and shut the door.
While closing the door the mans arm got jammed in it, Claude walked over and picked up the shovel then checked to see how sharp it was and took a swung at the arm. Blood went flying everywhere and the arm fell to the ground.
Outside a big yell was heard telling that the man was in pain, Blackie closed the door and sunk down and crouched on his hind legs like Claude was earlier.
“Jesus Christ what the hell was that thing?” Blackie asked
“My guess that it was a zombie” Claude replied.
Claude picked up the shovel and began to think.
“I say we fight our way out it’s the only way where going to get out of this dump” Claude told Blackie
“You’re insane theirs must be a thousand corpses out there looking for us”
“We got no choice now c’mon and grab a shovel and the book”
“Fine” Blackie said and did what Claude told him and grabbed the items. The two of them opened the door to the count of three then stepped through.
The End.

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Old 06-02-2007, 06:10 PM
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OnceUponATime (Offline)
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Nicely done, Stuart! I thought this was very well done - Liked the idea of the two thieves finding the Necronomicon and proceed to wake the dead & then mayhem ensues. Seems like there could be a lot more to this, like the plot could go on for a good bit longer. Otherwise, your characters are done well and I could see them very well in my mind's eye. There are few punctuation & spelling things throughout, but nothing a spell-checker couldn't pick up.

Overall, a fun read!

Keep writing,

Jillian
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Old 06-04-2007, 05:21 PM
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I really liked the tone that you used. Reminded me of someone telling the story in a pub after the incident. Have you considered first person narration for this? It would be interesting to see. The story is good as is but its always good to explore new ideas.
I would also suggest that you cut out some excess.

Here is how I would re-word the first paragraph.

Two thieves walked through a graveyard taking each step with care.
One of them, a big fat man called Blackie carried two shovels. His partner, Claude was of medium height. A skinny man with blonde hair and stubble.

I would suggest that you look more into " showing the story" rather than
"telling". To do this I would suggest some exercises from the BBC website
"Get Writing". Most of the lessons on there are free and they really helped me out a lot.
Here is a link

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/getwriting/A3489988

Keep writing.

DISCLAIMER: This is no way a "wrong or right" critique, just my observations and suggestions.
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