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Passing on and on

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Old 04-07-2017, 07:45 AM
whunter (Offline)
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Default Passing on and on

Seeing a half moon at half past noon,
Returning to my school as a teenage waterfall,
Wondering where in the world I had been,
Remembering the times and in the times,
As times pass by,
Passing, ever passing by,
Passing on and on;

And extremely fast,
As dreaming reminds and coincides with the empty
Hollow book of love, passion, sex and death
In the waters of a fountain,
I lie there, I die there, I am reborn,
In the suffocating waters of forgiveness,
Passing on and on;

Why in the howling afternoon
Am I rectifying passersby with notions in charming words and lyric?
Because the coast has no weight anymore,
The land has no pull,
Waves of time washing over and stealing life from me,
Taking, each day,
Another hour,
Another minute,
Passing on and on.

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Old 04-08-2017, 01:51 PM
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Grace Gabriel (Offline)
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Hi Whunter,

There is a variety of water imagery here, which made my mind leap about. When you described yourself as "a teenage waterfall", I felt the rush of emotions and confusion of teenage years as a torrent - so the waterfall imagery made sense to me.

As the poem progresses, you mention a fountain, waters of forgiveness, the coast and then waves...that's a lot of different scenes - and for me, it made my understanding of your poem disjointed.

Not sure about "rectifying passers-by". A little too abstract for me to get a whiff of what you mean here.

The foundations of this are really good. To me, I think it would be more powerful and coherent with less water references - or stick with the waterfall imagery throughout.

Thanks for sharing - and hope that helps.
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