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Lost in the Wind

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  #1  
Old 04-07-2015, 07:14 AM
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Default Lost in the Wind


A thousand passions and furies
long gone from my heart

An abyss dominates over all;
the merciless darkness
gulping down what little sense I have left

A thousand voices in my head
stifled by the the cold wind of the world
linger in the marred sky of thoughts
whispering of the beauty
it once carried

“Are you done yet?”
I, from the mirror ask- unable to understand.
“Not quite, no. I can’t see the end.”
I reply with an empty heart.


Last edited by Atinyinkblot; 04-10-2015 at 07:32 AM..
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  #2  
Old 04-07-2015, 08:09 AM
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Hi Atinyinkblot,

A smooth piece, really loved S1 and 4, more so the latter, especially the way you brought out the interminability of existence. One tiny thing though, I don't think 'envious' really corresponds with the context of it, as there isn't an alternative party to compare it to, seemingly how everyone is facing the same predicament. Maybe something like 'desirous' or 'insatiable' could fit in nicer?

The title seems rather derivative, maybe you could use some other word other than wind? Something that is more germane to the content of your poem, something cosmic maybe?

All in all, I really enjoyed the poem.


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  #3  
Old 04-07-2015, 03:24 PM
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Thank you for the feedback! I'll look into that and fix it as soon as possible.
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  #4  
Old 04-08-2015, 06:22 PM
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i think it's pretty perfect.

i would add a cruel shaking fist. after "cold world"
and then add some personal anecdotal details.
like decoration
but that's just my edition of a pretty lovely poem.
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  #5  
Old 04-10-2015, 05:40 AM
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Thanks for the feedback!
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  #6  
Old 03-25-2017, 08:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Atinyinkblot View Post
A thousand passions and furies
long gone from my heart

An abyss dominates over all;
the merciless darkness
gulping down what little sense I have left

A thousand voices in my head
stifled by the the cold wind of the world
linger in the marred sky of thoughts
whispering of the beauty
it once carried

“Are you done yet?”
I, from the mirror ask- unable to understand.
“Not quite, no. I can’t see the end.”
I reply with an empty heart.

Yo, bp, take a gander.
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  #7  
Old 03-25-2017, 09:13 PM
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A new peak has been reached by blot. Her stroke is magnitudes better than before.

Damn, I miss Ldub. I mean here anyway. I talk to Kimmie all the time on Facebook.
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  #8  
Old 03-26-2017, 02:56 PM
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Maybe it's just line eight that doesn't click to me?....but i like your poem.
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Last edited by kev; 03-26-2017 at 03:10 PM.. Reason: cos I wanted to say more!
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