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Coffee and Cigarettes.

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  #1  
Old 01-07-2018, 03:33 PM
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Default Coffee and Cigarettes.


Two ladies sit at a cafe table looking down at their machines, one is steadily tapping her foot against the bottom of the table leg making it have a grating ping sound the other is pulling her hair out. A man sits near by tipping his water glass just to the point of being precarious. It seems not to be functioning, his eyes glazed white. A small dog is waiting. Lying on his side, his tail tucked in close to his stomach. The woman pulling her hair out is now putting on make up, then wiping it off and starting over, seems she likes make up. I am sitting all the way over to the left, at the very end of the outside patio. I have come here to drink coffee and smoke, I do not stay long. The parking lot is full of shiny black cars parked backed in so they can exit quickly, No one wants to leave. It is hard to park at all, They do not know how to drive in the tight condensed parking lot, it confuses them, but they come repeatedly. They need to use their elbows. If they have them. West Side/ Los Angeles.


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Last edited by sdenyer; 01-07-2018 at 03:41 PM..
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Old 01-07-2018, 06:23 PM
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Thatís the reason I left LA.

Too many of those people.


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Old 01-08-2018, 02:20 AM
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the scene you set here is very interesting, is the lack of punctuation intentional for effect?
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Old 01-08-2018, 08:59 AM
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Punctuation, what for. Honestly I think they were trying to get rid of me when I graduated high school. What did they say about me, I had the smartest friends,...




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Old 01-08-2018, 09:09 AM
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The woman applying make up was close to being beautiful except for her expressions of disbelieve when talking. The obsessive rolling of her eyes and open mouth when looking over at the accident in the parking lot put me off. Some fool had run into the small dog which had drifting over to the only green spot to pee and was now awkwardly walking back over to the table where it never should have left. These were lazy days.






,

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Old 01-08-2018, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by sdenyer View Post

The woman applying make up was close to being beautiful except for her expressions of disbelief when talking. The obsessive rolling of her eyes and open mouth when looking over at the accident in the parking lot put me off. Some fool had run into the small dog which had drifted over to the only green spot to pee and was now awkwardly walking back over to the table it never should have left.






,


T;IFIFY


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Old 01-09-2018, 12:35 AM
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These were lazy days.
By avoiding any eye contact and being adept at stepping over obstacles, once the cigarette was out, I got out of the cafe unmolested. I would pass up the need for real food and head around the corner to catch a breeze blowing in from the ocean several block west. Feeding instead on the blue sky. Having no particular desires in any direction to what I want from life, but to be alive was defiantly having it's effect on me, I felt some what transparent in a good way, like i was made from multiple images on a tape loop, things would come around. There was no point in trying to control it, just relax and take it. I felt, considering the difficulty of thing in general, pretty fucking free. The division of the worlds of the phone users and non phone users, had set up padding which I found comfortable to lollygag around in when needed, but for the most part my life had become holographic in nature and i could slide in and out of reality without any complications. I enjoyed the advantages of being hard to pin point. Things were really working out for me. I was in no rush to be or go anywhere.
Better than lazy.
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  #8  
Old 01-09-2018, 05:13 PM
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Several blockís west, I think, and somewhat should be one word, lest it confuse.


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Old 01-10-2018, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Several blockís west, I think, and somewhat should be one word, lest it confuse.


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I'm confused that there is a cafe that allows smoking inside.
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Old 01-10-2018, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
I'm confused that there is a cafe that allows smoking inside.


In Los Angeles...

Well, I assumed it was an outdoor patio.


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Old 01-10-2018, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
In Los Angeles...

Well, I assumed it was an outdoor patio.


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Oh. That would explain it.

Outside smoke in L.A.
Right. Who would care.
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Old 01-10-2018, 02:52 PM
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I see this as prose, possibly even a poem. A super ego ballad of sorts. In my humble opinion play with all that poetry shit and see if you can't make this exude the inherent tempo it already has...

Two ladies at a cafe table, immersed in machines....
One: Tap, tap, tap,
Tip of her heel rapping on the table leg....

Or some shit... I suck at prose and poetry no matter how I try. But what I see is a ballad, a poem, an observance with tempo...
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Old 01-10-2018, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
I see this as prose, possibly even a poem. A super ego ballad of sorts. In my humble opinion play with all that poetry shit and see if you can't make this exude the inherent tempo it already has...

Two ladies at a cafe table, immersed in machines....
One: Tap, tap, tap,
Tip of her heel rapping on the table leg....

Or some shit... I suck at prose and poetry no matter how I try. But what I see is a ballad, a poem, an observance with tempo...


Where have you been young feller?

Nevermind... donít answer. I donít want to know😀


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Old 01-10-2018, 02:58 PM
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I like it. Writing a ballad with tempo. Excellent. Very good suggestion.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:07 PM
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I've been swimming down a few bottles and ripping off callous after callous... Yeah, don't ask haha,

Sdenyer, if you rewrite this as a poem, but not too poetryish, leave the poesy with plague I say, Hahahaha. Fuck you thats funny... Anyways, I would love to read it. You have a tempo in this, great alliteration and even some rhymes and assonance. Fuck a plot, the description is nice, and if you write it with a glass of Woodford Reserce and a Monte Cristo it will be something I would like to read.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by daes13 View Post
I've been swimming down a few bottles and ripping off callous after callous... Yeah, don't ask haha,

I figured thereíd be some debauchery involved.





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Old 01-10-2018, 03:20 PM
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Long story short:

Got my heart broke
Fell in love with drugs
Found my true love
Developed a drinking problem
Went to school
Figured out the drinking problem, how to make it cheaper not stop like a twat,
Studied linguistics and all that shit
Figured out why Mallory made a mistake
Got a scholarship for the paper
More school
More love and drugs
Finally ready to write so I came to the one place I like....

Sorry for taking over your thread Sdenyer
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Old 01-12-2018, 03:47 AM
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No problemo daes. Hows this for a ballad. It is just a test.

Counting down there is a schism, then I elevator up
There is a task and like before and again, I win.
I fell, do not take me in.
I am no whore.

In some awkward disbelieve a disembowelment, such green in color.
There is a girl, like before and always will be, these fine grits.
Take there the dead weight away of some drafting or drifting nowhere
A smell which vanity wants.

Twice and much more the repulsion of the brightness creeps out
Taking a rope they cut her head off
Then the lilies fly free
Second floor and rising.
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Old 01-12-2018, 03:49 AM
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No problemo daes. Hows this for a ballad. It is just a test.

Counting down there is a schism, I elevator up
There is a task and like before and again, I win.
I fell, do not take me in.
I am no whore.

In some awkward disbelieve a disembowelment, such green in color.
There is a girl, like before and always will be, these fine grits.
Take there the dead weight away of some drafting or drifting nowhere
A smell which vanity wants.

Twice and much more the repulsion of the brightness creeps out
Taking a rope they cut her head off
Then the lilies fly free
Second floor and rising.
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:02 AM
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No , it is all wrong, I cant.
I need to the syndicate go, red.
limpid solipiderouss men
in black slippery robes
who want to tightly decorate
wearing your dead body over their arm
as a mink

I have to go get them.
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Old 01-15-2018, 02:44 PM
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Damn I thought this posted days ago...

I'm searching poetry for better prose technique, so I see it everywhere. Paranoid transrealism if you will heh.

I'm not saying make a ballad, I'm saying when you go through and edit this, pay heed to the pace and rhythm you have already there and push the lines of prose. This isn't a short story per se, but I see euphony within it and bringing that out would negate all plot or anything else.

Hope that makes sense, I'm off my rocker most days haha
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Old 01-16-2018, 09:14 AM
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You know.. because this piece is so short, as a fun stretch, you could flip the story by rearranging the prose, starting with the end and working making the beginning the finish

However, I'm not suggesting that you take this suggestion literal without changing the sentences to make some certain sense of cohesion, but each fragment is within itself a piece of a puzzle that can be put together in any way. For example I pulled the last four lines and didn't change a single word, check it out:

West Side/ Los Angeles. They need to use their elbows. If they have them. They do not know how to drive in the tight condensed parking lot. It is hard to park at all, it confuses them, but they come repeatedly...
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Old 01-30-2018, 08:07 AM
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This is a pretty good draft that can take many directions. Is there one you prefer? A short story, flash fiction, or an essay?

Whatever you do, keep writing. You have already accomplished manipulation of setting and conflict to paint a picture for readers. There is a pretty effective hook here.

Would like to keep reading.
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Old 01-30-2018, 08:36 AM
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I found it boring and anti-climatic.
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Old 02-02-2018, 12:45 PM
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Daes, I like the idea very much, I feel the message and will think on it.
Beesause I am a no punctuation person. straight lines and no break ups. Thanks I do agree it makes it more fun .
Konan, I will have to reread it. Most likely you take too much time with it.




.

Last edited by sdenyer; 02-02-2018 at 12:49 PM..
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Old 02-03-2018, 12:34 AM
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("...no, I liked it because of its wrongness..." went the goblin suspecting that it purposefully asked the reader to fill in the gaps, adding "...where for example the water glass had to be wine or something, and where the dog that is normally neutral was male here, while the overall text was devoid of those conjunctions that one would normal see, in short it came across a "modern style" text and as such was just the type of text that works as a post, being not too long but long enough, it had me reading through to the end...", in fact, the goblin couldn't say whether he actually liked the "modern style" per se, but like with paintings he appreciated its contrast to what one normally saw)

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