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Horus

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  #1  
Old 01-02-2018, 08:23 AM
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JohnConstantine (Offline)
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Default Horus


The Sun God is on my arm
he and I stand face to face
the nucleus for every year
I with thirst for rays

The Sun God is on my arm
stoic is his gaze
with pale pigmentation hunger
I am in the East in wait

The Sun God is on my arm
breathing his of breath of flames
this hooked falcon beak has me
darkened as a slave

The words carry no guilt
I am a slave! I am a slave!
the Sun God is on my arm
by his light I am made

My skin is plump and golden
my thoughts as clear as day
the Sun God is on my arm
and my third eye is ablaze

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Last edited by JohnConstantine; 01-03-2018 at 02:19 AM..
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Old 01-06-2018, 09:25 AM
Beesauce (Offline)
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I read this poem the other day and didn't want to comment at first and wanted to let it sink in.

Really enjoy it, very much. Last line was the golden ticket winner

After having read and re-reading, i find only one minor hiccup and the rest is publish ready S1 L4: I with thirst for rays

This line I tripped on and this is major-minor, and as I microscope the issue I believe the problem is "I with thirst"

here the word choice makes the line forced. It's these vowels and consenants I've highlighted that are the trip-up, and I'd suggest adding a couple extra words or switching up the WC for a variation in alphabet

thanks for the beautiful poem,. looks ready!
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