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  #31  
Old 01-01-2018, 10:25 AM
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Youíre going to have to dig for the meaning in Nickís crits, but he never disappoints. Okay, well, sometimes he does, but I digress.

Anyway... this is much better, IMHO.

There is a life in the characters that was stilted in the third-person POV.

First person is a nasty little bitch of vulnerability. It makes you think about how you feel, even though the characters are not you at all.

Can you post some of your original fiction here somewhere?

Iíd like to read it.

If youíre shy you can PM it.
First POV is definitely something really alien to me. Will get some time to get used to it, I guess.

Uploading it here was my original idea, but not any more, especially if I'll rewrite everything. There's no point to it. I'll pm you, although I need to ask:

What is your definition of original fiction? As, even though this supposed to be set in the world of Mad Max, I only use the characters and setting as a base. The story is turning out to be completely unrelated. Mad Max a franchise seems like a facade. Could just rename the whole thing and call it original fiction, is what I'm guessing.

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  #32  
Old 01-01-2018, 10:38 AM
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Yeah, for sure. I just wanted to see where your brain was without any prompts. Without a framework of a story surrounding another. What you really like to do.


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  #33  
Old 01-01-2018, 10:38 AM
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(the goblin reappeared a little inebriated for the new year's dinner goings on, saying "...liked the "third person" version better, but that's just me I suppose...", meanwhile outside the goblin couldn't really tell if it was still raining and whether that rain would turn into snow overnight, anyway it all looked damp in the darkness, "...you're drunk goblin, you're making a spectacle of yourself and letting the side down too, so let's be off with us now..." intervened the slot pulling on his arm to call him away, the goblin roundly voiced "...no I'm not drunk really slot, it's just that the world is a little more sober than I am at this point but the way things are going the world too will probably need that stiff drink before long...", in fact, the goblin had wanted to warn overris about going overboard on those paragraphs and how the readers ignored them, or misunderstood them, if they then became too many in the text, but all the the goblin could muster in his inebriated state was "...ich bin ein berliner...", which he felt offered comfort and solidarity towards his fellow posters here, where in fact what he had actually stated in german was "...I'm a jam donut..." but, as ever then, it was his lack of thought that counted)


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  #34  
Old 01-01-2018, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Yeah, for sure. I just wanted to see where your brain was without any prompts. Without a framework of a story surrounding another. What you really like to do.


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Hm, you'll be the judge I guess. Although, I'm not sure on how good they are, as I didn't work months to come up with them, just a matter of hours, tops.
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  #35  
Old 01-01-2018, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by fleamailman View Post
(the goblin reappeared a little inebriated for the new year's dinner goings on, saying "...liked the "third person" version better, but that's just me I suppose...", meanwhile outside the goblin couldn't really tell if it was still raining and whether that rain would turn into snow overnight, anyway it all looked damp in the darkness, "...you're drunk goblin, you're making a spectacle of yourself and letting the side down too, so let's be off with us now..." intervened the slot pulling on his arm to call him away, the goblin roundly voiced "...no I'm not drunk really slot, it's just that the world in more sober than I am at this point but the way things are going the world too will probably need a stiff drink before long...", in fact, the goblin had wanted to warn overris about going overboard on those paragraphs and how the readers ignored them, or misunderstood them, if they then became too many in the text, but all the the goblin could muster in his inebriated state was "...ich bin ein berliner...", which he felt offered comfort and solidarity towards his fellow posters, where in fact what he had actually stated in german was "...I'm a jam donut..." but, as ever then, it was the lack of thought that counted)

Love doughnuts!

Thank you for the kind words! I need to check the lengths of those paragraphs, but imagine what it would look like without my restrictive attitude. Oh, boy. But yeah, I've got a ton of misunderstanding it seems. It must fall under the TL;DR category.
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  #36  
Old 01-01-2018, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by overris View Post
Hm, you'll be the judge I guess. Although, I'm not sure on how good they are, as I didn't work months to come up with them, just a matter of hours, tops.


Iím not really going to judge. Just trying to get to know you, so I can give better advice.

And... Iím by no means a professional. So my advice should be taken with a grain of salt.



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  #37  
Old 01-01-2018, 11:09 AM
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Iím not really going to judge. Just trying to get to know you, so I can give better advice.

And... Iím by no means a professional. So my advice should be taken with a grain of salt.
I understand that, sure. Sent you a pm.
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  #38  
Old 01-01-2018, 11:21 AM
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("...you write books, so it's both ok and important to use paragraphs, no it's only when you're writing posts like this that you have to be careful with paragraphs I guess, btw I mentioned "12lines max" only as a guide line and of course you can go over that boundary but each line you then add is one line closer to that TL;DR reaction of posters who suffer from the affliction called "american attention span"..." mentioned the goblin who preferred the old idea that paragraphs separating scenes and topics, rather than that newfangled way of using them to separate moments within those scenes and topics instead, then smiling "...either way the reader grows used to the author's mannerisms, so it's like painting, yes there are painting schools, and general painting rules too, but in the end the painter just borrows that which he feels most suits his purpose to his art, the persona being like when you see the painting and just recognize the painter straight off without having to look at that signature below, that's what I meant by persona when we conversed yesterday...")

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  #39  
Old 01-01-2018, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by fleamailman View Post
("...you write books, so it's both ok and important to use paragraphs, no it's only when you're writing posts like this that you have to be careful with paragraphs I guess, btw I mentioned "12lines max" only as a guide line and of course you can go over that boundary but each line you then add is one line closer to that TL;DR reaction of posters who suffer from the affliction called "american attention span"..." mentioned the goblin who preferred the old idea that paragraphs separating scenes and topics, rather than that newfangled way of using them to separate moments within those scenes and topics instead, then smiling "...either way the reader grows used to the author's mannerisms, so it's like painting, yes there are painting schools, and general painting rules too, but in the end the painter just borrows that which he feels most suits his purpose to his art, the persona being like when you see the painting and just recognize the painter straight off without having to look at that signature below, that's what I meant by persona when we conversed yesterday...")
Yes, I've heard that term before Although, I think it has something to do with our sped-up life. I like to make the connection with traditional arts, like painting as you said. There's just a couple of micro seconds to grab a person's interest. You have to be really good at what you're doing. However, it can be applied to books as well. There's just so many other options, that a person doesn't have to waste their time on something that they don't want to experience. Nowadays the possibilities are endless and you can move on and find thousands of other books to read. However, if you have that hook, than the reader will plow through your story, like a MF.

Regarding to persona: You have to like my person, to like my writing. It shines through and thats what makes it my "style". I don't even try to hide it, I put those efforts into making interesting characters (tbh, couldn't do if I wanted to). Which "coincidentally" was the reason why I started up the other topic, at the writer's cafe. As, apparently my persona is something odd to enjoy.
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  #40  
Old 01-02-2018, 05:31 AM
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I found the main problems with my writing. Did some quick research. It seems the reason why I suck is:

1) People abbreviate, I don't.
2) Even when using 3rd person, people speak as if it's in first pov, I don't.
3) Their writing is much-much lighter, mine has a great weight to it. As in: more chunks of big text, rather then one-two liners.

All in all, the second point is something that really separates my writing, from a professional one's. That's why people feel to distant from the story, as if they were looking at it through a telescope. Thoughts?
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  #41  
Old 01-02-2018, 06:40 AM
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("...a question now, do you feel what you write while actually writing it, meaning do you experience your writings per se..." asked the goblin never one to advise though, then adding "...btw, if we're talking about here alone, it's just that you're now an unknown for your long absence, where alas that means that you have to post around getting yourself known first, why so, because most folks look at the posts to gage someone's readability...", where one of the best ways to go unread was to only post one's written works in expectation of being read, a folly which was almost as offputting, and contemptuous too, as coming across a newly joined member whose one sole post is to be found in the introductions and invariably reads "dude I've written a book, here's the link, buy it now", something called a "post and run" in our online lexicon, to which the goblin just went "...ah yes, authors who don't see their readers around them soon lose those readers to authors who do, where I know this all might come across as a bit mad to you at first, but if it's any consolation it's just the madness of my trade, I mean it's been years by now, and in my place how would go about gaining an online readership without playing to the online audience by first acknowledging their presence...")

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  #42  
Old 01-02-2018, 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted by fleamailman View Post
("...a question now, do you feel what you write while actually writing it, meaning do you experience your writings per se..." asked the goblin never one to advise though, then adding "...btw, if we're talking about here alone, it's just that you're now an unknown for your long absence, where alas that means that you have to post around getting yourself known first, why so, because most folks look at the posts to guess someone's readability...", where one of best ways to go unread was to only post one's written works in expectation of being read, a folly which was almost as offputting, and contemptuous too, as coming across a newly joined member whose one sole post is to be found in the introductions and invariably reads "dude I've written a book, here's the link, buy it now", something called a "post and run" in our online lexicon, to which the goblin just went "...ah yes, authors who don't see their readers around them soon lose those readers to authors who do, where I know this all might come across as a bit mad to you at first, but if it's any consolation it's just the madness of my trade, I mean it's been years by now, and in my place how would go about gaining an online readership without playing to the online audience by first acknowledging their presence...")
I "didn't know" that there could be any other way to write, without becoming the character you speak of. Although, the level of involvement could differ, must admit. Why do you ask? Now I'm confused. I think I've said it a couple of times, that I was told not to go too into details, explaining things. Which means that I can't express myself that deep enough (to get into character), with so few words (for ppl with short attention span). I'm not that good of a writer, to be able to write 2 sentences and cover a page long description in them.

**removed**

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  #43  
Old 01-02-2018, 01:15 PM
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("...no I'm only trying to help you or anyone else who might care to write in posts here..." smiled the goblin who was on overris's side, where there was more to writing than books anyway, and where often the real point was not how something was received but how releasing it felt while writing it, restarting "...what lands on the page is only the end result, whereas what flows from one's pen is the inner result, what I asked you before was do you feel what you write while writing it, my reasoning was because often an author can overlook the depth of being something one writes for the shallowness of acclaim, guess that's why I remain anonymous throughout, where all my readership amounts to nothing really, but if one knows that it means nothing but then continues on anyway, well perhaps it was in one's nature to write for no reason then, just motivated without motive perhaps...", but by now the hour was calling the goblin away, no doubt his bath would first sooth away those cares then his bed would simply swallow him whole once more)

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  #44  
Old 01-02-2018, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by fleamailman View Post
("...no I'm only trying to help you or anyone else who might care to write in posts here..." smiled the goblin who was on overris's side, where there was more to writing than books anyway, and where often the real point was not how something was received but how releasing it felt while writing it, restarting "...what lands on the page is only the end result, whereas what flows from one's pen is the inner result, what I asked you before was do you feel what you write while writing it, my reasoning was because often an author can overlook the depth of being something one writes for the shallowness of acclaim, guess that's why I remain anonymous throughout, where all my readership amounts to nothing really, but if one knows that it means nothing but then continues on anyway, well perhaps it was in one's nature to write for no reason then, just motivated without motive perhaps...", but by now the hour was calling the goblin away, no doubt his bath would first sooth away those cares then his bed would simply swallow him whole once more)
Now I feel like an idiot, for being such a hot head--shows my incredible wits...

I bet, you could get a descent name for yourself, if you went public. Although, you have to have courage for that. But come on, you can do that!

What I would say to why most of us write, regardless that nobody cares --has nothing to do with acclaim--is that it makes the perfect case of 'giving us a sense of purpose'. It may sound banal, but it is what it is. Some personality types are meant for such professions, others don't. You could force it, but than it becomes that 'writing on demand' monstrosity...

A warm bath always sounds good.
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  #45  
Old 01-02-2018, 02:35 PM
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("...I am public, for to post is to publish openly without the fanfare..." replied the goblin returned from his bath, then adding "...posting is like a fidelity card where one's posts over time build up one's readership in clear stages, perhaps starting from "they're hungry for something new" to "they've recognizing you by now" on to "they're now following you in hope" on to "they're hocked", alas going on to "they're bored and are hungry for someone else" for readers are invariably fickle as their tastes evolve...", in fact, the goblin liked that "sense of purpose" idea too, suspecting it could have something to do with the "journey to self" again, adding "...well yes, I suppose one could turn this subjective "journey to death" into an objective "journey to self" along the way now, yet perhaps you were talking about some other purpose though, what would be yours if I may be so bold as to ask you now...", the moon was absent in night's sky at this point, perhaps it had gone to bed before him them, where cloud cover resembled bedcover and where everything just said to the goblin "journey to bed and beyond")

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  #46  
Old 01-02-2018, 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by fleamailman View Post
("...I am public, for to post is to publish openly without the fanfare..." replied the goblin returned from his bath, then adding "...posting is like a fidelity card where one's posts over time build up one's readership in clear stages, perhaps starting from "they're hungry for something new" to "they've recognizing you by now" on to "they're now following you in hope" on to "they're hocked", alas going on to "they're bored and are hungry once more" for readers are invariably fickle as their tastes evolve...", in fact, the goblin liked that "sense of purpose" idea too, suspecting it could have something to do with the "journey to self" again, adding "...well yes, I suppose one could turn this subjective "journey to death" into an objective "journey to self" along the way now, yet perhaps you were talking about some other purpose though, what would be yours if I may be so bold as to ask you now...", the moon was absent in night's sky at this point, perhaps it had gone to bed before him then, where cloud cover resembled bedcover and where everything just said "journey to bed and beyond")
Well then, point me where to look for your work, would like to take a look!

The purpose would be the same: I recently realized that I found my true meaning with writing, in some sort of a eureka moment. Although, can't do much with it at the moment Also, there is a more selfish reason: wanting to make a difference, to create something that will have an impact on others and perhaps change some for the better. Big goals, that's for sure. But we need goals, even those that seem unobtainable. They always told me I dreamt big, but that didn't stop me from trying! That's the only way to push your boundaries. That's the challenge that excites me the most. To seek out what's beyond and see how far we can go.
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  #47  
Old 01-02-2018, 02:56 PM
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[QUOTE=overris

selfish reason: wanting to make a difference, to create something that will have an impact on others and perhaps change some for the better.

[/QUOTE]

Benevolent egoism?
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Old 01-02-2018, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Benevolent egoism?
Sure, I'll take that! Although, would add that this goes hand in hand with aesthetic taste in writing.
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Old 01-02-2018, 04:06 PM
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Nice piece, especially for english being a second language.

I can normally tell when someone learns english as a second language, but it was harder for me to tell until the end.

I like where it's going, but I'd like some more description. It's rather bare. I had trouble visualizing what was going on. sure, I could read what the characters did, but they need a world to do it in.

I've always really enjoyed Mad Max as a franchise (I've seen all the original movies, the new movie, and played the video game that released a while ago) but I felt no real connections to the series. If you're writing a story based in the world of a popular franchise, it makes sense for the plot and the world to at least reference the main story arc of the movies.

Take whatever I say with a grain of salt, however. Formulate your own opinions and develop your style.
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Old 01-02-2018, 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted by overris View Post
Well then, point me where to look for your work, would like to take a look! The purpose would be the same: I recently realized that I found my true meaning with writing, in some sort of a eureka moment. Although, can't do much with it at the moment Also, there is a more selfish reason: wanting to make a difference, to create something that will have an impact on others and perhaps change some for the better. Big goals, that's for sure. But we need goals, even those that seem unobtainable. They always told me I dream big, but that didn't stop me from trying! That's the only way to push your boundaries. That's the challenge that excites me the most. To seek out what's beyond and see how far we can go.
("...some of my works are on that shared thread "oh how I hate editing posts" thread in the writer's cafe section of this forum, it stands at 5973post with 414516 views, or else you could google my username to find my other threads upon other forums..." proposed the goblin liking that aforementioned purpose there, smiling "...me I write to escape my reality, I dare say that those who reads my posts share my need there whether it's the global political scene, the domestic scene or any other scene for that matter, all they really want to is to be taken out of themselves in something either worth experiencing of worth mulling over...", time up the goblin was off to work now, outside and as if to underline the goblin's need of distraction the relentless rain just rubbed his reality in once more, sighing "...the inner world forms while the outer world ages, it would be such a pity not to form the one inside and to only be left with one's dailylife instead...", yet the rain had no ears to listen to goblin's utterrings he knew it would just rain anyway)

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Old 01-02-2018, 11:27 PM
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I appreciate your input!

Originally Posted by Lockette View Post
Nice piece, especially for english being a second language.

I can normally tell when someone learns english as a second language, but it was harder for me to tell until the end.
What makes it challenging is the reversed word order, lack of proficiency and fluency. These are the things that needed to be worked on, however my aim is to reach these targets, but I understand that realistically it's a bit far-fetched. So, to counter this I really need to up my reading game this year.

I like where it's going, but I'd like some more description. It's rather bare. I had trouble visualizing what was going on. sure, I could read what the characters did, but they need a world to do it in.
I too want to get rid of the dryness, it bugged me for quite some time. This is something that I'll experience more in the future.

I've always really enjoyed Mad Max as a franchise (I've seen all the original movies, the new movie, and played the video game that released a while ago) but I felt no real connections to the series. If you're writing a story based in the world of a popular franchise, it makes sense for the plot and the world to at least reference the main story arc of the movies.
Fair points, however apart from a chase scene later down the line, I really didn't want to do anything with the original material. I love the post-apocalyptic world, Max as a mystical hero, etc. It would've felt cheap just to rewrite/modify the movies. Instead, I like to think of it as an alternative universe. And, since I'm rewriting it again, I thought to ditch the MAD MAX franchise. It's already way too different from the movies as it became more of a supernatural story. Although, the arc-less format will stay, as I only have a limited time to write+proofread (which takes 2-3x times more), and I can't think that way ahead.
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Old 01-02-2018, 11:37 PM
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Originally Posted by fleamailman View Post
("...some of my works are on that shared thread "oh how I hate editing posts" thread in the writer's cafe section of this forum, it stands at 5973post with 414516 views, or else you could google my username to find my other threads upon other forums..." proposed the goblin liking that aforementioned purpose there, smiling "...me I write to escape my reality, I dare say that those who reads my posts share my need there whether it's the global political scene, the domestic scene or any other scene for that matter, all they really want to is to be taken out of themselves in something either worth experiencing of worth mulling over...", time up the goblin was off to work now, outside and as if to underline the goblin's need of distraction the relentless just rubbed his reality in once more, sighing "...the inner world forms while the outer world ages, it would be such a pity not to form the one inside and to only be left with one's dailylife instead...", yet the rain had no ears to listen to goblin's utterrings he knew it would just rain anyway)
I was hoping you'd say something like 'Here's five books that you can read!'
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Old 01-03-2018, 06:42 AM
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("...well now, I keep saying, and have said often enough by now, that I write posts, 500views per post in this forum alone, do you know anyone else who can do that, whereas you keep harping on about books that fewer and fewer people read, so ask me which readership I'd rather have now, that growing readership of "short interactive content", which is what these posts are, or that declining book readership there that you authors seem so disgruntled over..." ventured the goblin who didn't want to go over the hitcount maths once more, smiling "...I''ve been trying to help you to write in your posts, where books do not interest me if only because I don't see many folks reading them much, instead imagine what if someone could gain a following upon this internet here through their posts alone, then imagine if that same person could repeat the process across forumland, well I would call that person a livewriter, and now you know all I guess...")
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Old 01-03-2018, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by fleamailman View Post
("...well now, I keep saying, and have said often enough by now, that I write posts, 500views per post in this forum alone, do you know anyone else who can do that, whereas you keep harping on about books that fewer and fewer people read, so ask me which readership I'd rather have now, that growing readership of "short interactive content", which is what these posts are, or that declining book readership there that you authors seem so disgruntled over..." ventured the goblin who didn't want to go over the hitcount maths once more, smiling "...I''ve been trying to help you to write in your posts, where books do not interest me if only because I don't see many folks reading them much, instead imagine what if someone could gain a following upon this internet here through their posts alone, then imagine if that same person could repeat the process across forumland, well I would call that person a livewriter, and now you know all I guess...")
Was curious to know if you did something offline, something for your own enjoyment--maybe to share it with the world.

Got your point tho!

Last edited by overris; 01-03-2018 at 07:16 AM..
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Old 01-03-2018, 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by overris View Post
Was curious to know if you did something offline, something for your own enjoyment--maybe to share it with the world.

Got your point tho!
("...trouble is that that would pinpoint me, but I like your company..." replied the goblin who had promised the captain whom he had married all those year back that he would never reveal himself online, and to his word he never had, smiling "...so I can't prove anything to you really, but I do like my anonymity here, I mean it's ever that choice between being some known wendy or just remaining that unknown peter pan, oh yes, and how does that book end, well wendy grows up with children of her own whereas peter pan is still flying around having adventures...", in fact the goblin was simply a personification of an alter ego behind it, sighing "...me I'm just words on your screen at this point, can't prove any of this to you though, ah but if you don't believe me now just ask any other goblin for I'm sure they'll vouch for me if you ask nicely..." and with that the goblin was off to read the other posts of writertypes and pauperpoets and of normal posters too)

Last edited by fleamailman; 01-13-2018 at 09:36 AM..
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