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To my past

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  #1  
Old 12-13-2017, 05:15 AM
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pralina (Offline)
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Default To my past


i pressed you against the kitchen floor
remember?
there were pancakes everywhere
we would kiss and laugh in the flour
for an hour
or maybe four

we made love in your bathtub
remember?
we closed the door on your roommate
but i know he heard us
envied us
hated us

we built a thick wall on the green grass
remember?
you were on one side
i was on the other
our flower garden
was rather nasty

we made the world believe that we were friends
remember?
but i never believed that ever
friends don’t kiss and touch
not that much
not such

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Last edited by pralina; 01-02-2018 at 10:25 AM..
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Old 01-01-2018, 09:35 AM
Beesauce (Offline)
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I remember..
.. er. I mean.

Great poem.

the only line i tripped up on in flow was the last stanza:

" but i never believed that, ever"

I noticed this was the only line with a comma and I think that may be the reason why i felt like it stumbled

thanks for sharing, those nasty flowers

Last edited by Beesauce; 01-01-2018 at 10:03 AM..
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Old 01-01-2018, 04:41 PM
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Originally Posted by pralina View Post
i pressed you against the kitchen floor
remember?
there were pancakes everywhere
we would kiss and laugh in the flour
for an hour
or maybe four

we made love in your bathtub
remember?
we closed the door on your roommate
but i know he heard us
envied us
hated us

we built a thick wall on the green grass
remember?
you were on one side
i was on the other
our flower garden
was rather nasty

we made the world believe that we were friends
remember?
but i never believed that, ever
friends don’t kiss and touch
not that much
not such

I like this.
It has texture.

Write some more stuff, Pralina.
Your work has a soothing effect on my shredded spirit.
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Old 01-02-2018, 10:21 AM
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pralina (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Your work has a soothing effect on my shredded spirit.
That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said/wrote about my writing, thank you so much!

Originally Posted by Beesauce View Post

the only line i tripped up on in flow was the last stanza:

" but i never believed that, ever"

I noticed this was the only line with a comma and I think that may be the reason why i felt like it stumbled

thanks for sharing, those nasty flowers
Thank you! And I agree, the comma was redundant.
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