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I really don't know about this dialogue...

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Old 12-06-2017, 12:19 PM
WhiteKnight75 (Offline)
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Default I really don't know about this dialogue...

This is a piece of dialogue from about the midpoint of my novel and I really don't know what to do with it. It is necesary to the plot but I also feel like it is a bit confusing.
I have editied out most of the POV stuff because the POV-charcater goes on a bit of a mind-tangent that isn't really relevant here.

As this is from the middle, here is some context:
So, all of these guys are soldiers in a kind of medieval-fantasy war. Gale is the leader of a small team and Dahlman is his "boss". Gale's team is stationed a few miles from basecamp (where this is taking place). Gilthinder and Stonefeld are just the two guys, that Gale has brought with him. Also, it is known, that Haymond is a captian, stationed at another place in the valley.

Alright, that should be all you have to know so here goes:

"Ah, Blackwood," Dahlman said and stood up from his desk. He looked over Gale's shoulder at Gilthinder and Stonefeld, "I'd like to talk with you in private," he said, his tone shifting slightly. Gale turned to look at them both too, then looked back at Dahlman.
"Let them stay, they're mine." Gale finally said. Dahlman hesitated, his eyes resting on Stonefeld for a second, then nodded slightly.
"Have a seat," he begann.
Gale didn't move.
"Why?" he asked dryly.
"Just sit down," Dahlman was getting visibly uncomfortable.
Gale still didn't move an inch.
"I just... just think it would be better if you-"
"Where did they find him?" Gale interupted. Dahlman looked startled but relieved at the same time, however he was still fidgeting slightly. There was a long pause as Dahlman took a deep breath.
"The battle at Juniper ridge" he finally said.
Gale fixed Dahlman in an icecold stare. They stared at each other for a few, long seconds before Dahlman was finally forced to look away.
"Why would you tell me?" Gale said slowly. Dahlman looked genuinely confused at this.
"Well, Haymond thought that since you're his brother you-"
"He's not my brother," Gale interrupted sharply. Dahlman didn't react. There was a long, painfull pause, in which Gale had a cold, piersing glare in his eyes. Dahlman didn't make eye contact.
"Tell Haymond to go fuck himself," Gale said calmly and fianlly turned to leave.

So that was it. If you could just tell me if you were confused or not that would be great. Also, if you were confused maybe tell me which part seemed to be the problem.
Have a nice day!

Last edited by WhiteKnight75; 12-07-2017 at 05:44 AM..
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Old 12-06-2017, 12:43 PM
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fleamailman (Offline)
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("...if you change it to read something like "naah, he isn't my brother anymore" or conversely "naah, that's the wrong haymond as my brother is someone else", then it clears up the only ambiguity I could see..." suggested the goblin now, then adding "...sounds like a nice story though, looking forward to more of where that came from...")
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Old 12-06-2017, 02:21 PM
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Yes, unless we know there was some sort of thing beforehand that went between the brothers that Gale considered bad enough that he wasn't brothers anymore? It did confuse me just a little, like fleamailman said.

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Old 12-07-2017, 02:00 AM
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Try 'let them stay, they've proved their worth and anything you can say to me you may say to them,' rather than 'they're mine.' That doesn't seem like reason enough on its own to let them stay, a slave would be his but perhaps not trustworthy. If they're just average joes then he probably wouldn't object to them leaving.

I know 'fuck' is fashionable at the moment, but is it right for a medieval fantasy? Then again perhaps they had a near equivalent and fuck would do in its place.
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Old 12-09-2017, 12:17 PM
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Some confusion yes. Possibly if I could read the rest of the story that would clear up. The first thing that strikes me as incongruous is Dahlman's discomfort at announcing a death. Soldiers and their commanders who have been in combat soon learn that death is part of what they do and don't usually have trouble with putting on the table when necessary.

As for the conflict touched on between Gale and Haymond, and that between Gale and his brother, I would ask, does this scene add any insight to those for the reader? Does it develop the plot or characters in any way?
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Old 12-12-2017, 12:05 PM
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I have nothing more to add; I was also a little confused, but that might be because I am lacking some context.
Be careful about some glaring mistakes:
- Piersing (Piercing)
- Begann (Began)
- Painfull (Painful)
It's not much, but this kind of errors hurts the reading pleasure a little.

Kindest of regards,

Last edited by DukeDePuce; 12-12-2017 at 12:13 PM..
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