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Such a Sad Feeling

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Old 12-03-2017, 02:19 AM
Luciaphile (Offline)
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Default Such a Sad Feeling


Here is a little whim written as I waited for my brother to bring the battery cables to the parking lot where my car had died the other day.


Such a sad feeling
passing by -- all on
a sunny brisk day in
the desert with a cold
breeze making the wild
buckwheat stems move
stiffly, like arthritis --
and I am unwell, so unwell.
Pampas grass waving the long
pipes of seed stalks
and the winter mulberry tree
needing its wooden supports
still --everything converges
on a sad feeling, and hurts
like the universe is crashing.
I am in pain. All is pain, dear.

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Old 12-03-2017, 03:21 AM
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Evocative description.

Beautiful.
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Old 12-08-2017, 06:42 AM
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Last edited by Leila; 12-14-2017 at 11:14 AM..
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Old 01-01-2018, 07:52 PM
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As short as the poem is, I'd clean it up a bit further by contracting a few lines and cutting off a few redundancies

"I'm in pain" flows smoother than "I am in pain"

Actually, there's quiet a bit I'd edit about this piece.


Such a sad feeling
passing by -- all on
a sunny brisk day in*
the desert with a cold (these two lines don't work well. "In" could be brought to start the next line and it would add power instead of cliche)
breeze making the wild
buckwheat stems move
stiffly, like arthritis -- (i think this imagery could be played with further without a comma)
and I am unwell, so unwell. (i'd be interested in the symptoms instead of the same vocab)
*Pampas grass waving the long
pipes of seed stalks
and the winter mulberry tree
needing its wooden supports* (these are great lines and i think the trip-up with the way this poem is not working with the lines is certain aspects and formatting in which some sentences could run on and have a wave of short mixed with longer prose)
still --everything converges ( at this point i believe there may be too much in terms of punctuation and hyphens, but that's all stylistic, sometimes an eyesore)
on a sad feeling, and hurts
like the universe is crashing.
I am in pain. All is pain, dear.*(i do believe again, punctuation is the hangup and my editors eye would erase the comma after pain)


Thanks for sharing your poem. hope this line by line helps to see your poem in a different light.
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