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Willoh and Wo, part two

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Old 11-28-2017, 12:36 PM
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Default Willoh and Wo, part two


Here is the second part of my short story called Willoh and Wo A Romance in a Future Not Too Far Away. See the first part for continuity! Thanks for any input.


Wo led Willoh across two more intersections to an area of ancient buildings several stories high of rusty white stone and stucco. A few green and white checked awnings still fluttered over a window here or there. Then, as they entered one of the buildings, Willoh and Wo almost fell into a cold dark lobby. The tile flooring was spotlessly clean, and shabby velvet couches and chairs scattered around held a variety of people sitting quietly, all turning their faces to the newcomers. Willoh felt a swirling again, orange and blue streaks in her mind, during which she remembered her mother, her car, both waiting for her somewhere, but swirling away on the curlicues of color.

Wo’s voice struggled through her ears, clearing the swirls. “Come on, Willoh, I’ll show you my home,” he said.

They went up stairs and more stairs, all lushly carpeted, until suddenly the stairwell narrowed and the carpet disappeared and their boots thumped on wooden steps. Then down a brightly lit hallway to a corner, turn, and another tiny hallway that ended in an oval-shaped iron door, like a door on a ship, which Wo opened slowly, smiling back at Willoh.

Willoh felt a flush of excitement as she gazed into Wo‘s handsome face. His smile was wide and overactive, always stretching or rippling or puckering up in thought; now it was stretched ear to ear, drawing her into the fun. She eagerly looked beyond the open door that led outside onto a lower roof. But, suddenly, before she could see anything else, the sun found a hole in the mass of cloud in the sky above, and it’s warmth and brightness made them both take in their breath, so beautiful and full of joy the sunshine seemed to them.

“Come on,” Wo said, leading her forward. He pointed to his home, a shed built on the roof, probably for some long ago custodian or electrician, but then he took her to a bench against an outside wall, so that the two of them could catch the saturation of the sunshine. Willoh knew many people across town were doing the same, even those in the cold lobby below, stepping out, soaking up the sunlight like a sponge soaks up water, all of them lifting their faces, eyes hooded with lids or shaded with a hand. Then the sunny feeling that bound all humans together would flow, into their hair, down their shoulders to their feet, a beautiful sense of wellbeing -- that all too soon ended with a shiver as the clouds puffed over the opening and the sun was gone again.

“Come on in,” Wo said as he held open the door of his tiny home. Willoh tiptoed in. A bed, a chair, a small table and a sink were all that fit into the place, but there was a orange cat curled up on the pillow so it seemed like home right away to Willoh. She sat on the bed near the cat and introduced herself. The cat smiled sleepily and said a little mew, just as tiny as the black kitten’s had been out on the street.

“Mew, mew,” the cat said again as he stretched into a sitting position. Though his voice was small, his size was big with a blob of tummy sinking around him.

“That is Oran.”

“Oh-ran?” Willoh asked.

“Short for Orange,” Wo said, keeping a straight face.

“You could have called him Range with an r at the end, Ranger.”

“But he doesn’t range very far,” Wo quipped.

Everything is funny with him, Willoh thought. She laughed. She liked laughing. She hadn’t laughed in a long time, it seemed.

Wo took off his beige raincoat; underneath he wore black, like Willoh. Then he hopped onto the bed, and they sat against the wall with the cat between them and began to talk.

Wo was full of curiosity about Willoh; more curiosity, Willoh thought to herself, than his cat had. She told him she lived with her mother and two brothers just outside town. They had some land, which was gardened by the brothers, while she helped teach the little children of the neighborhood in one of the big rooms of their home.

“How does your garden grow?” Wo asked, eagerly. Everybody liked a garden; just the word spelled excitement in town.
“The sun doesn’t come through enough,” Willoh answered. “But the rain helps it grow.” She thought of the fruits and vegetables growing all year, through the sad rain.

Then Willoh learned this about Wo: that he had grown up himself in this building; in fact, his parents still lived in an apartment below and Wo went there every day to shower or do other necessary things.

“Your parents are still together?” Willoh asked. That was unusual. Her own parents had separated long ago, going their own ways as most people did. It was rare and old-fashioned to stay with one person, Willoh knew, but she often daydreamed about it anyway. Maybe love could last, her heart would tell her.

“Yes,” Wo replied to her question about his parents, “but they argue all the time, so it makes me wonder why.”

Wo was a walker, a scrounger, looking for food deals each day for his family, he told Willoh. “Maybe we can visit your garden?” he asked her.

But Willoh’s mind retracted like a frightened fish, with only a swish of sandy color left swirling. “I don’t know where it is,” she said, her voice wavering. “My car might drive me there, but I don’t know where my car is.” Willoh felt tears in her eyes, as she thought about the car. It was small, orange like the cat, and she often lost it. Why, she wondered, am I always losing my car.

“That’s not so weird,” Wo reassured her, and her surprise at his words made her vision sharpen.

“What do you mean?” she asked him.

“Not that many people have cars,” he replied. “Nobody else really cares. So the cars feel lost to their owners, or, I mean, the owners feel lost to their cars. It is very complicated, but comes out right in the end, I think.”

Willoh nodded her head at this logic, but she wondered still what it meant.

A silence fell between them and lengthened; then both Willoh and Wo smoothed a hand along the warm softness of Oran’s back. As another moment passed, Wo lifted his cat and put him at the foot of the bed, scooted himself nearer to Willoh, and reached out his hands to hers. Willoh clasped them, her heart leaping. How long had it been since she’d hooked up with someone? Awhile ago, and not very many times, just because with her, love came along, too, so that it hurt too much at the end. It happened that way in this world -- there was no other way -- just to stumble into togetherness somewhere, somewhen, and then after awhile, stumble away. Sometimes Willoh had heard about a marriage, and the couple professing love forever, but after a year or two, or as many as twelve years if there were children, the marriage ended, usually very quietly.

But why was she thinking of the end, when this was the beginning? Willoh let herself go, and as always with her, inklings of love pressed into her body as Wo pushed his head into her breasts, pulled almost roughly at her bottom, and then raised his lips to kiss her. She saw his smile and his brown eyes looking right into her blue ones, and then she moaned with pleasure as he entered her and began to move. Sex was very different from love, she found herself thinking, so why love? Why love? She’d think that later.

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Old 11-28-2017, 04:49 PM
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I continue to be fascinated by your ability to create a world, out of ordinary bits and images , that is so profoundly different from the one we inhabit daily. My rational mind craves some backstory, but my imagination doesn't care. Magic indeed.
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Old 11-29-2017, 12:34 PM
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("...comments aren't nearly as honest as the hitcount is..." smiled the goblin, adding "...73views in two days, be heartened as that's a good hitcount isn't it...", in fact, often the better works were just read, where lesser works were pulled apart and commented upon, adding "...perhaps you should keep this all in one thread and top it up as you go along, building up your readership that way, otherwise the readers will lose interest not knowing the previous part of the story...")

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Old 12-03-2017, 11:19 PM
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This isn't my genre Luciaphile, so I can't offer anything helpful.

The somewhat instant 'turn off' for me was the character names. Willoh and Wo sound a little cutesy and twee so it set my mind up for a children's story.

When I got to "meow", said the cat, I started to blast through the rest of the piece, to be honest.

Then the cutely-named things ended up getting jiggy in a very adult way and it all sat at odds with me.

Sorry Luce, I gave it a go in answer to your appeal for comments.

You write well and clearly have a great imagination.
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Old 12-04-2017, 12:30 AM
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um, yes what she said. My mind took the same meanders as Gracie.

I tried to put it into the context of the Luciaphile persona presented too because there were inconsistencies but got no where really. So on the one hand I wondered if it was actually written by a young person which would have made sense to me, on the other hand it presented itself as written as an adult from the perspective of young people finding their way in the real, an innocent bonding albeit physical. Todays harsh sexualization of the young is brutally jiggy in an adult way, which is actually very uncomfortable reading for me.

But if you are indeed a young person well done!

Perhaps I talk nonsense.
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Old 12-04-2017, 08:38 AM
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Default Jiggy??

Thank you for the comments. I am helped by them, though it would be hard for me to change my style. Forever I have written in simple images and sentences, I think. I appreciate the comments on the characters' names; you are right about them. I am not sure how I will revise my writing,b ut I will keep what you wrote in mind. By the way I am not young in body, just in spirit. I am a wise old woman , haha!
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Old 12-04-2017, 08:52 AM
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Your writing is good - your maturity and style clearly conveyed in your poetry. This extract is well written. Things like the character names just set a tone - in this case, it was misleading. To be consistent, perhaps strip your love scene back to a simpler, more innocent expression.

I felt like the teletubbies were doing terribly unexpected things to one another...
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Old 12-04-2017, 08:55 AM
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Yes, it is my intention to modify the love scene to fit better. Guess I got carried away. Thank you for your comment.
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Old 12-04-2017, 10:00 AM
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My take on these characters is they were marginalized people, strange, disconnected from the everyday world (similar to what JP said above). For that reason, I thought the odd names a fitting tone for what we the reader learn about them as we go along.

Not sure if I’m reading all of what you posted. I’ve had problems with Tapatalk working properly with this forum.

For me the story starts with: “yes,” Wo replied to her question about her parents,... so I might be missing some of it.




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Old 12-04-2017, 10:09 AM
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Default Willoh and Wo, part two

Furthermore, the sex seemed mildly stilted which was also what I would have expected from these characters. If this were a straight-up romance novel it might be different, but as it stands this is quirky, off-beat story.


Edit: by quirky and off-beat, I don’t in any way mean silly or frivolous. Although, I find some of it gently or darkly humorous.

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Old 12-04-2017, 03:40 PM
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Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
Furthermore, the sex seemed mildly stilted which was also what I would have expected from these characters. If this were a straight-up romance novel it might be different, but as it stands this is quirky, off-beat story.


Edit: by quirky and off-beat, I don’t in any way mean silly or frivolous. Although, I find some of it gently or darkly humorous.

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Thanks, BrianPatrick, I think you got my intention better than some. I guess it would help if I revealed that this is a story based on a dream I had. I am putting in all the scenes of my dream, including the little kitten and the dog. I 'll continue to do that and see where it goes. As a story I could change it, of course, later.

Edit to tell you that this is one in a series of dreams in which I lose my car downtown. But this one was really cool and went on for a long time, and in the end I did find the car!
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Old 12-04-2017, 04:10 PM
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Was the marker I typed where the story started, or am I missing some of it?


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Old 12-04-2017, 10:56 PM
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... it doesn’t make a fig of difference brianpatrick, if the whole thing is a fictional rabbit hole, the old lady can summon her orange car or plot twist with the click of her knarled fingers, although if the females of the tribe have been depicted as showing genuine concern for her welfare - best run home love! Unless of course them wicked women folk have given Willoh some kind of trippy apple and you know boys will be boys and she’s good with that pussy.

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Old 12-04-2017, 11:09 PM
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Hi, no you missed a lot, including the first part which is in another post. I'll try to get it all together. anna, I do not know what your post means; maybe I am too old? Are you being funny, kind, or cruel?

OK anna, now I get it after a couple of readings. Why do you say it doesn't matter a fig of difference just because it is a dream? Any writing is or is not a dream. I don't like your last sentence; ick, never liked the word P---- except as denoting a kitty, which maybe you meant, eh?
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Old 12-05-2017, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by anna View Post
... it doesn’t make a fig of difference brianpatrick, if the whole thing is a fictional rabbit hole, the old lady can summon her orange car or plot twist with the click of her knarled fingers, although if the females of the tribe have been depicted as showing genuine concern for her welfare - best run home love! Unless of course them wicked women folk have given Willoh some kind of trippy apple and you know boys will be boys and she’s good with that pussy.


Hush woman. Get back to yer tent and make me a sammich.


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