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  #1  
Old 11-21-2017, 05:12 AM
eripiomundus (Offline)
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Amar bestirred in embers. Surprise was Auden's - Amar was never angry. Was never anything.

"No more about the fucking neuromancers! I was there when the e-field birthed and the tweeny masters formed the first of the torrent minds. I saw tween visions despoil reality, plunge empty putrid impulse deep into the mind of God. I saw the age of chaos come, pour ruin without reason, form without meaning, ideas without grounding. You mourne the dwindling of the age of neuromancy? You aught to welcome it."

Auden, abashed, avoided his eye. Said nothing. Had no desire to bleed away the restraint that clenched Amar's teeth as he spoke. A pause, a glance at Auden, a visible deflation, and Amar reverted to his normal quiet voice.

"Trust me, you're better off. They were children, with children's desires and tempers... children's tantrums. They didn't create with foresight or purpose, but by whim and in a spirit of one-up-man-ship. Forget about it all, and if we see a neuromancer up close, don't hesitate with that..." Amar gestured to the rifle slung by rope on Auden's back.

She glanced back at the butt. Contemplated. Doubted she wanted to shoot anyone, let alone a real life neuromancer. Especially not one of them.

Amar said nothing more. Rose. Picked up his gear. Walked. Auden followed. A cold fog ate of the valley. Gnarled trees sprang dead from wisp and gray to press their vex unto the path. The two went each within their own, single file, quiet and distant and lost for want of more.

More food. More water. Shelter, warmth, rest... and purpose. They were lost chiefly for lack of purpose. Nowhere to be, no goal except to survive. Amar accepted the greyness. Part of him knew he aught to try for Auden's sake - try to keep the hollowness from infecting her too, but the thoughts were empty sails. No emotion filled them. They went nowhere.

Auden broke the silence.

"How many do you think are left?"

"Neuromancers?"

"No, people".

"Don't know".

"Jayden said there were still cities to the east. Thousands of people, all Living just like they used to."

"Might be", but Amar didn't think so.

"Jayden said there were masters, real masters, rebuilding the world with a new torrent mind". Amar didn't answer.

They were climbing now, crowning the mist. "Start collecting sticks. We'll make camp soon". Amar sought into the mist behind, searching for signs of movement. Nothing. 'Good' he thought, and gave his thoughts to camp.

Auden knew by now: not too high - too much wind, and not too low - too many insects. Camp where there's natural cover, where there's a natural wall for a lean-to, where rain won't snake your camp to puddle or flood...

She'd learned. Was learning still. How often had Amar drummed her? 'Never pass by water. Even should your bottle be full, fill yourself to the brim'; 'Climb no precipice. Food and water runs and snakes the gullies'; 'carry nothing save what you cannot source from where you're headed', and a hundred more.

They made sense, Auden knew, but she was keening for a normal conversation. One where she wasn't a pupil. Where she was free to express herself and be silly. She wanted Jayden back.

Even Amar seemed to be different without him. More distant. A little awkward, as if he wasn't sure how to relate to Auden without Jayden's constant dumbass repartee. 'Why did he have to die?'


Last edited by eripiomundus; 11-21-2017 at 05:16 AM..
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  #2  
Old 11-22-2017, 09:52 PM
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the idea of critiquing another’s work was so alien to her - it went against the grain and anna felt mighty uncomfortable to post this - which wasn’t very helpful or useful to the workings of the fold perhaps. Anyhow, she had dreamt about his adventure, Jayden wasn’t dead! so she took a fine sable brush and mischievously swept the last six words off the line, they floated slowly to the bottom of the page bounced and settled. ‘Best wishes’ she called as she ran through the inky dawn to put the rubbish out - bin day.
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Old 11-23-2017, 12:24 AM
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Perhaps it would be better to start with her going over the advice for survival in her mind, then move on to the comments about tweeny masters and neuromacy. The former is more recognisable, easier to relate to. At this early stage the latter won't mean much to anyone reading your work for the first time.
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Old 11-23-2017, 01:00 AM
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Default A World to know

I am coming to this writing without knowing any former posts you may have written from the same story, so I don't have any reference, but as is, I am eager to hear more! I want to know who Jayden is, why he died, etc. Mostly I am identifying with the female and recognizing the male all to well. There was one sentence or so concerning the nature around them that I particularly liked and wanted more of what the place looked like. What a world to know - I will look for more of your posts now to see.
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Old 11-23-2017, 03:55 PM
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I think this is a good start, with interesting confusion and a few sweet base hits. Amar was never angry, was never anything. is a good description (i would comma there instead of period).

You place punctuation outside of quotation marks when it should be inside them. Id change that.

Otherwise, Im not a sci-fi/fantasy guy, but Id keep reading. I like to be dropped into a fully formed world. No prologue, no definition of terms, etc. I prefer it to being spoon-fed answers.


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  #6  
Old 11-23-2017, 07:22 PM
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Originally Posted by anna View Post
the idea of critiquing another’s work was so alien to her - it went against the grain and anna felt mighty uncomfortable to post this - which wasn’t very helpful or useful to the workings of the fold perhaps. Anyhow, she had dreamt about his adventure, Jayden wasn’t dead! so she took a fine sable brush and mischievously swept the last six words off the line, they floated slowly to the bottom of the page bounced and settled. ‘Best wishes’ she called as she ran through the inky dawn to put the rubbish out - bin day.
Thanks for commenting anna.

Originally Posted by IanG View Post
Perhaps it would be better to start with her going over the advice for survival in her mind, then move on to the comments about tweeny masters and neuromacy. The former is more recognisable, easier to relate to. At this early stage the latter won't mean much to anyone reading your work for the first time.
I think you're probably right. In addition to that, the dialogue of Amar at the start is too much force-feeding of the plotline. It's not natural at all, so I'll rethink the whole thing. Thanks for taking the time.

Originally Posted by Luciaphile View Post
I am coming to this writing without knowing any former posts you may have written from the same story, so I don't have any reference, but as is, I am eager to hear more! I want to know who Jayden is, why he died, etc. Mostly I am identifying with the female and recognizing the male all to well. There was one sentence or so concerning the nature around them that I particularly liked and wanted more of what the place looked like. What a world to know - I will look for more of your posts now to see.
Thanks for commenting. There's no more of the story written. I have what I believe to be a really interesting philosophical/technological idea for the story, but what I struggle with is taking that and making it a human adventure. I still think the idea has merit, but I'll abandon this start and begin anew I think. In all probability, given my track record, I'll never form the idea into a story and it will just be abandoned altogether.

Originally Posted by brianpatrick View Post
I think this is a good start, with interesting confusion and a few sweet base hits. “Amar was never angry, was never anything.” is a good description (i would comma there instead of period).

You place punctuation outside of quotation marks when it should be inside them. I’d change that.

Otherwise, I’m not a sci-fi/fantasy guy, but I’d keep reading. I like to be dropped into a fully formed world. No prologue, no definition of terms, etc. I prefer it to being spoon-fed answers.
Thanks for commenting Brian. With the quotation marks and punctuation: I used to know the rules, and used to adhere to them, but I started to question whether they properly guide a reader to parse sentences on the first go, and in the process of questioning I got myself pretty mixed up with it all. Say you have two sets of two sentences (taking an example from my initial post):

1. "...don't hesitate with that..." Amar gestured to the rifle slung by rope on Auden's back.

2. "...don't hesitate with that...". Amar gestured to the rifle slung by rope on Auden's back.

In example 1 the reader might initially pre-empt that the proper pronoun "Amar" is still part of the sentence - it might go something like:

"...don't hesitate with that..." Amar said.

But if you put a period outside the quotation marks, as in example 2, you definitely know the sentence has ended. I'm not sure I still know the rules at all anymore. Thanks for pointing it out - I better relearn it.
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Old 11-23-2017, 08:25 PM
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Number 2 reads smooth. Number 1 is distracting. I mean, for those of us who know the rules.


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Old 11-24-2017, 10:16 PM
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Originally Posted by eripiomundus View Post
Amar bestirred in embers. Surprise was Auden's - Amar was never angry. [I don't understand, how 2 pieces of information go together -- Auden was surprised and Amar was never angry - what is the connection between those 2 actions. They build of the sentence implies there is a contradiction between them, but that one is surprised and the second is not angry, where is the contradiction.
I've read further to find why Auden was surprised at all, but could not logically understand- his words were not of surprise, but of beying annoyed, maybe angry.]
Was never anything.

"No more about the fucking neuromancers! [It is more than just a bit strange to hear todays curses in a fantasy story] I was there when the e-field birthed and the tweeny masters formed the first of the torrent minds. I saw tween visions despoil reality, plunge empty putrid impulse deep into the mind of God. I saw the age of chaos come, pour ruin without reason, form without meaning, ideas without grounding. You mourne the dwindling of the age of neuromancy? You aught to welcome it." [I felt very uncomfortable to be thrown into totally new world of this story without any explanation or without that those new words were familiar from other simillar stories. I succeeded to guess what you meant, but it dragged back my reading as I had to stop almost on each word and to reread it trying to understand. For me, it was a lot of information that was new for me, thrown at me in a big chunk - it gave me indigestion ]

Auden, abashed, avoided his eye. Said nothing. Had no desire to bleed away the restraint that clenched Amar's teeth as he spoke. A pause, a glance at Auden, a visible deflation, and Amar reverted to his normal quiet voice.

"Trust me, you're better off. They were children, with children's desires and tempers... children's tantrums. They didn't create with foresight or purpose, but by whim and in a spirit of one-up-man-ship. Forget about it all, and if we see a neuromancer up close, don't hesitate with that..." Amar gestured to the rifle slung by rope on Auden's back.

She glanced back at the butt. Contemplated. Doubted she wanted to shoot anyone, let alone a real life neuromancer. Especially not one of them. [How should I imagin a neuromancer? Not necromancer, but neuromancer? Do I need for this to read William Gibson's book? Because, otherwise, I have no clue who or what neuromancer is. I can guess, that "neuro" is connected to neurons and "mancer" is connected to magic, but it doesn't explain me "neuromancer", especially in plural and especially they being very very bad things]

Amar said nothing more. Rose. Picked up his gear. Walked. Auden followed. A cold fog ate of the valley.[This sentence is not whole] Gnarled trees sprang dead from wisp and gray to press their vex unto the path. The two went each within their own, single file, quiet and distant and lost for want of more.

More food. More water. Shelter, warmth, rest... and purpose. They were lost chiefly for lack of purpose. Nowhere to be, no goal except to survive. Amar accepted the greyness. Part of him knew he aught to try for Auden's sake - try to keep the hollowness from infecting her too, but the thoughts were empty sails. No emotion filled them. They went nowhere.

Auden broke the silence.

"How many do you think are left?"

"Neuromancers?"

"No, people".

"Don't know".

"Jayden said there were still cities to the east. Thousands of people, all Living just like they used to."

"Might be", but Amar didn't think so.

"Jayden said there were masters, real masters, rebuilding the world with a new torrent mind". Amar didn't answer.

They were climbing now, crowning the mist. "Start collecting sticks. We'll make camp soon". Amar sought into the mist behind, searching for signs of movement. Nothing. 'Good' he thought, and gave his thoughts to camp.

Auden knew by now: not too high - too much wind, and not too low - too many insects. Camp where there's natural cover, where there's a natural wall for a lean-to, where rain won't snake your camp to puddle or flood...

She'd learned. Was learning still. How often had Amar drummed her? 'Never pass by water. Even should your bottle be full, fill yourself to the brim'; 'Climb no precipice. Food and water runs and snakes the gullies'; 'carry nothing save what you cannot source from where you're headed', and a hundred more.

They made sense, Auden knew, but she was keening for a normal conversation. One where she wasn't a pupil. Where she was free to express herself and be silly. She wanted Jayden back.

Even Amar seemed to be different without him. More distant. A little awkward, as if he wasn't sure how to relate to Auden without Jayden's constant dumbass repartee. 'Why did he have to die?'

All this piece and I still don't see where the story is going. There is almost no movement in the story line here, but too much new unexplained information. It is an interesting read, but left me mixed up.
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  #9  
Old 12-01-2017, 05:43 AM
eripiomundus (Offline)
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Thanks for taking the time Jakuper1.

I'm not sure whether you read Brianpatrick's posts above, but I tend to agree with him in that I dislike when a book feeds me the set and setting up front. I like to be initiated into it as I go, so that the unravelling of the information seems natural instead of obvious world-building. That's how I was intending to structure this.

Your objection about the first lines: the hyphen indicates that the post-hyphen lines are explanatory of the pre-hyphen lines, so Auden's surprise is that Amar is angry when he customarily never is.

Amar said nothing more. Rose. Picked up his gear. Walked. Auden followed. A cold fog ate of the valley.[This sentence is not whole]
"A cold fog ate of the valley" is, I think, definitely a complete sentence. We have a subject, an object, and a verb, with an adverb thrown in for good measure.

I get that you don't know what's happening... the plot I have in mind is deeply philosophical and complicated, and I didn't want to be force-feeding it to anyone, but wanted to shroud it in a story people could relate to - not sure I'm the person to know what people can or can't relate to, but that's another matter.

Thanks for taking the time to make an in-depth reply. I'll take your concerns seriously.
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