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The Accident

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  #1  
Old 11-03-2017, 09:59 AM
IZA (Offline)
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Default The Accident


I just don't have it in me anymore.

Even this: its just painful monotony.

Key press, key press, key press. Thunk of the space bar.

Click, Click, press, ad nauseum. And for what? A get away for a reader. To ejaculate some great lesson, cloaked in cleverly wording, upon the masses?

Or just to record the fucked up musing of one person. Me.

Me.

Me.

Yes. All me.

Or you? Or you.

Take the deep breath. Hold it. This shouldn't hurt much.
"Well. Fuck."

Robbie cashed out. Godammit!

It's fine. He was a low-life anyway. He did it in the first floor room of a used-to-be-Comfort Inn Motel. I mean, there's not a lot of room for dignity when you have to consider why the sheets are warm: dryer... or...?

This really couldn't have come at a worse time.

Marty was standing three doors down, back to the commotion building behind him. Schnieder - a younger guy, recently bumped from the jail detail to street time - was watching the growing shit-show intently.

"Schneider."

Nothing. Arms crossed, the jacket covered the Marty's logo'd t-shirt hidden beneath it. Face the crowds and try to look official, or turn and see them wheel his out; one strap across the shins, one across the mid-section and one shoulder height.

"Fuckin' Schneider!"

The kid snapped back into it.

"You really should be on the other side the line, man."

He swallowed hard. No idea what was going on - a kind of wild confusion in his eyes searching for someone with stripes. But at the same time there was that familiarity. He didn't know if he wanted to tell a white guy in a jacket to get back into the crowd. Especially if he knew his name.

"Awh, shut the hell up. Is the coroner here yet?"

A white van, barn-doors open wide had a arrived a few minutes ago. Schneider watched them pull a gurney with a blue matress and a pile of something - towels? a body bag? - out of the van.

He relayed as much to Marty, his condolent manner tripping over his limited vocabulary:

"Did they pull a gurney out?"

"Yeah - uh, yes, sir. Blue Mattress. Plastic like. I don't think they had sheets on it..."

"Did you see a body bag?"

"I can't be sure - maybe they were sheets stacked in the middle of the gurney?"

He stammered.

Marty stopped listening. He knew the body would be out soon. He glanced over his should once he heard the thud a rear door being shut, then he headed down to meet with the guys.

"Save your apologies, gents. We all know what this was. Any way it could have been accidental? Those glocks... you gotta pull the trigger to get the slide off..."

The coroner cleared his throat.

"It definitely wasn't a blast to the head... that... you know..."

"Look, at least say accidental to the TV until we get it sorted OK? No one even knew he was here."

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  #2  
Old 11-03-2017, 08:40 PM
Elenita (Offline)
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this is interesting. The beginning part confuses me a little, is it connected to the rest of the story? Whose thoughts is it? There's a murder going on here right? I think the concept and dialogue are great but it needs a little more clarity regarding who is speaking to whom and exactly where all the characters are located during this scene. Otherwise the reader could get confused and miss out on the great story
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Old 01-05-2018, 07:11 PM
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I really enjoyed most everything about this writing, from formatting down to dialogue it all works really well.

was there every going to be more? it does feel a bit unfinished and could use more substance, and I very much appreciate the opening and would encourage this to keep going
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Old 01-05-2018, 09:27 PM
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IZA has quite a few of these little Marty pieces. Search his posts and youíll find bunches.

Theyíre all this good or better even.

I donít know if Marty will ever find himself in a finished novel, but I hope he does.


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Old 01-31-2018, 12:24 PM
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Good post. Enjoyed. Nothing further to add. TY
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Old 01-31-2018, 03:04 PM
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Meh.

Further.

I guess I could say the whole story feels forced --like -- the writer had to write the story for work. But this is a forum, so that's just silly. Writers block. That's what I could say about this piece.
ha! WB. Beat. Block. Block. Beat.

Ops.Someone should go catch some frogs. Twain would abide the bullf--
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Old 02-01-2018, 11:47 AM
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sounds like the beginning of a crime or mystery novel that I might read if it keeps being as sharp.
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