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Fruit happens

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  #1  
Old 04-09-2016, 06:25 PM
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Default Fruit happens


FRUIT HAPPENS
( scene 1 )


Across the table our hostess sits
with painted eyes and fingertips
a bowl of fruit she offers.

Fruicious fresh and wet against my lips
the sticky flesh of the kiwi slips
inside my mouth and thus,

begins a fantasy that twins with my desire
to taste the succulence required
to nourish passion and inspire
the secret glance that warms us both
and sweetly curves the lips that
smiled and sought the kiss that
brought the wet and sticky bliss of the
kiwi on our lips that came together on short notice
and stayed that way much longer,
in the kitchen, after dinner, on an Easter Sunday,
when no one else was there to see.

Footsteps in the hall
we fly apart and that is all
but for the twinkle in her eye
and the smile I try to hide
and the flavor of the fruit that
hopes to happen bye and bye
fruicious fresh and wet,
when no one else is there to see.

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Old 04-12-2016, 01:54 PM
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Interesting title that drew me in.

Let’s not be kidders, problems exist:

syntax is well off in places, for example “bowl of fruit she offers”

fruicious is repeated and to be honest I find just one of these as, language wise, sticking out like a sore thumb. Have to admit that I don’t find it a good word (if it is) as it sounds like a moody ingredient for shampoo.


It’s all there, perhaps too much of it is there. Take S3, I quite like the first 4 or 5 lines but the rest feels tagged on to explain when you should be having greater confidence in your imagery. In other words, a good edit would leave this leaner and stronger. Something of this nature is all about the verbs.


xDrew
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Old 12-10-2017, 03:45 PM
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I liked it! Lots of fresh dripping fruity juicey words to compare to a luscious fruicious forbidden kiss.
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Old 12-11-2017, 10:35 AM
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I find your forbidden fruit nothing less than delightfully sweet and disarmingly innocent. x
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Old 12-12-2017, 12:04 PM
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Innocent but of course. Is that an apple I spy in your hand?
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Old 12-28-2017, 08:07 PM
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sweet job, jp! i dig. last line's the best. u must love art
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Old 12-30-2017, 07:20 PM
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I love art, and art loves me.
Frucious fresh and wet,
when no one else is there to see.


There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that they have a poster with my face in it in the security office of the National Art Museum down on the Mall. No truth whatsoever.

It might be the heimerz talking, but I seem to remember writing a scene 2 to this poem. I shall attempt to locate it's whereabouts.
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