Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Fiction Novel excerpts, short stories, etc.

scifi crime thriller thing

Thread Tools
Old 12-17-2017, 04:58 AM
Nox (Offline)
Official Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 71
Thanks: 9
Thanks 12
Default scifi crime thriller thing

Hello. Haven't written in a while. Just grinding the gears. See what I can turn out. Opinions and criticisms are welcome.



Clint’s mind raced. What reason would someone have for murdering a Councillor? He opened up the throttle of his magbike as he weaved through traffic and the electric engine responded with a dull whir. The intercom buzzed in his helmet and he spoke.
There was a beep and then.
“Clint? What’s your ETA? You’re late.” It was the captain. Clint glanced at the readout on his HUD and replied.
“Six minutes.”
“You better haul ass then. I needed you here twenty minutes ago.” The captain ended the call. Clint sighed.
When he arrived at city hall a crowd had gathered at its steps and APOL officers had already cordoned off the building. Clint removed his helmet and tucked it under his arm and started towards the stairs. His blue eyes flickered up the building. It stood only ten stories high and resembled a glass pyramid buried point-first in the ground. His attention was drawn back to the crowd and he noted that many were journalists.
“Wonderful,” he thought.
He reached the front and ducked under the tape. He was immediately confronted by a fresh-faced officer. His features were boyish and Clint eyed a drop of perspiration as it slid down the officer’s forehead.
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to get back behind the tape,” the officer said. Clint replied brusquely.
“My name is Commander Clinton Webb. I need to see Captain Harris.” There was a flash of confusion on the officer’s face and he turned to his sergeant who had been in earshot of the exchange. The sergeant glanced at Clint, recognised him and waved him through.
“Captain Harris is waiting for you in the lobby,” he said. Clint nodded and scaled the stairs.
Inside, there was a café to his left. One of the tables was occupied by two uniformed women deep in discussion. Clint headed towards them. He recognised the older of the two. Blonde hair tied neatly back and a pointed nose and angular chin, along with the single star insignia on her fleet uniform that marked her as a captain. The other woman, a lieutenant, was much younger and she had brown hair that ended at her shoulders. They both looked up as he approached.
“Lovely of you to join us Clint,” said Captain Harris. Then she gestured towards the lieutenant. “This is Elizabeth Reilly. She’s your resource liaison for the duration of the case.” The lieutenant stood and offered a hand. Clint shook it and then turned to the captain.
“Which Councillor was it? They didn’t tell me on the phone.”
“That’s because they don’t know for sure. DNA results aren’t back yet but a Cyrus Crawley was reported missing forty-eight hours ago.” Captain Harris replied. Clint frowned.
“Councillor Crawley? They couldn’t ID him?” He asked. The captain shook her head.
“And he wasn’t on the entry logs either,” she said.
“Security feed?”
“They’re checking that now,” Captain Harris said, and stood. “We should go. They’re waiting on us.”
The crime scene was on the fifth floor in the council chamber, where ministerial decisions were passed by the Council. Clint’s mind wandered briefly as they rode the elevator. If Crawley wasn’t on the entry logs, checking the feed was probably a waste of time. A bell rang and the elevator came to a stop. The doors hissed open and an officer greeted them as they stepped out.
“Captain,” he said. She acknowledged him with a nod. He continued. “Follow me.” A short hallway separated them from the chamber. Clint glanced across at Lieutenant Reilly. Her dark brown eyes were widened and alert. She was wired with adrenaline. He caught her attention with a wave and winked at her. She forced a smile and her shoulders relaxed a little. Then they passed the threshold into the chamber.
Clint breathed deeply as he took it in. The chamber itself was a large sphere, twenty metres in diameter. Booths lined the walls, each level accessible via staircases on either side of the entrance. At its centre was a raised marble dais. Blood pooled on the platform and trickled down the stairs. An image of a red velvet cake appeared briefly in Clint’s mind, but he shook it away as he approached the naked body suspended above. Its head was missing.

Last edited by Nox; 12-18-2017 at 05:54 AM.. Reason: Adding more
Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2017, 02:23 PM
Luciaphile's Avatar
Luciaphile (Offline)
Profusive Denizen
Official Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 250
Thanks: 113
Thanks 59

Oh, boy, a gruesome scene ahead. Good writing, very tense, or intense. I'm glad the Captain Harris is a woman.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Compliments of the Author: Debbie Bumstead
Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2017, 08:19 AM
IanG (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 530
Thanks: 19
Thanks 116

This is a good beginning, concise yet evocative. No sign of you being out of practice that I can detect.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-29-2017, 05:46 AM
Nox (Offline)
Official Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 71
Thanks: 9
Thanks 12

Thanks guys. I feel like it might be too concise. I don't know. Is it lacking imagery/description? Would that be an improvement or not really?
Reply With Quote

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 06:06 AM
Full Time Thing Jim Colyer Lyrics 1 06-02-2016 12:02 PM
Crime and Suspense (Mystery) Jay Writing Markets 0 11-02-2006 05:53 PM
Poe Little Thing: The Digest of Horrific Poetry Jay Writing Markets 0 05-25-2006 04:38 PM
That Red Door Caste Fiction 3 01-20-2006 09:14 PM

All times are GMT -8. The time now is 05:11 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.