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Strangeways

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  #1  
Old 12-07-2017, 02:37 PM
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Under oak and elm and ash
Spring green grows over grass.
The stem, the bough, the branch the leaf
restricts the sun as bars a thief.

As prison walls the shade casts down
across the brow, the eyes, the frown
of all the men in prison grey
shuffling through the endless day.

These trees that live the spring to life,
that lifts free eyes from gloom to hope,
casts the convicts mind in strife,
as thoughts through darkness thinking gropes.

a hand to hold, a memory to live,
A reason why caged hearts will cope
with walls and bars and yet survive
when dreams are dreamt that's touched with hope

But bud on branch, and leaf on tree
reflect the years that yet will be
a passing phase, as feet of thieves
shuffling through the fallen leaves.


Last edited by kev; 12-08-2017 at 11:10 AM.. Reason: pottering about
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Old 12-08-2017, 12:41 AM
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Rhythm is really strong here. Possibly a bit twee for my taste but it's very well written.

The only thing which messed me up was reading hope, prisons, thieves twice. You might get away with the latter two but for me one of the hopes has to go.
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Old 12-08-2017, 10:59 AM
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That's what I like about this sight. You can put a poem up and see something else through the eyes of those that respond. I wasn't aware that I'd got four words with the same rhyme in two consecutive verses.

Think I've got the third verse, fourth line done in my head but not the second line of the same verse. May have to slightly change the meaning there. I'll work on it John, thanks. Best jot it down on paper before I change anything.

Last edited by kev; 12-08-2017 at 11:09 AM..
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