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Guide to Randominastica - Especially for Humans and Zurgons.

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  #1  
Old 09-07-2008, 01:09 AM
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Icon10 Guide to Randominastica - Especially for Humans and Zurgons.


Hey guys!

This is the beginning of my latest novel! Your comments would be so much appreciated. Also your ideas on the plot itself - which is basically random....


This book might be described with a single word (or sound) – huttabunkoozley; for it is so random that it could only be picked up by a very random person – who in any case, might randomly insert “huttabunkoozley” in their sentences.

Huttabunkoozley aside, throughout this truly random book, I shall guide you in the means of navigation throughout the extraordinary and random realm of the Space-time Universe of Randominastica, with the use of a fictional character named Ben Lodgings – whose use is only for the benefit of you the reader.

As Randominastica is unpredictable, this guide can only help those who fall under the same situations as the writers of this guide have.

First I will explain one way to enter Randominastica (if for some strange reason you wish to).

Note 1: Always be careful when opening books – especially books entitled: The Gate To Randominastica.

Ben Lodgings stared in awe at the mass of books flooding around him in neat piles on polished shelves. Work that day – which included unclogging a clogged drainage pipe, cleaning the communal toilet of a boy’s boarding school and worst of all, cleaning his own filthy lavatory – had been tough and he smiled at the thought of relaxing on a comfortable chair with a cup of coffee and an interesting novel. He knew not where to start and so closed his eyes and spun around, pointing his arm forwards. After which he opened his eyes, adjusted to the light around him and realised he was pointing to the non-fiction section.

“Non-fiction! Oh man!” he groaned trudging over to the tall line of shelves.

He stared at the numerous books in front of him, most of which – such as: Gazing at the Birds, Big Elephants, Raarrgh - Fearsome Lions and Donkeys, Horses and Other Fun Animals – inspired odd pictures of him snoring loudly with a giant book with a large picture of an Elephant in his hands to enter his thoughts, although, one book caught his attention.

“The Gate to Randominastica, sounds interesting,”

He picked the book up and stared at its bland purple cover. He was not one to judge a book by a cover and so he – much to his later dismay – opened the book.

Golden rays of light blazed around him, forcing his eyes shut. He didn’t feel anything and was ignorant to the fact that he was now teleporting through a worm hole and into the Space-time Universe of Randominastica. He didn’t see anything either, apart from the deep darkness from beneath his eyelids.

When he opened his eyes, the sight – or lack of it – remained. Complete darkness. Nothing.

NEXT PART OF THIS STORY IS FURTHER DOWN THIS PAGE! PLEASE READ THAT ASWELL BEFORE COMMENTING! THANKS!

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Last edited by hellomoto; 09-08-2008 at 01:27 AM..
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Old 09-07-2008, 04:34 AM
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Very interesting beginning, I must say. Very . . . um . . . random. Bland purple cover? Lol! How bland can purple be really?

Your writing style is exceptionally clear. Just a few niggles in the SPAG area, but nothing you probably wouldn't catch yourself with another run-through.

As for input into the plotline . . . well, let's just say I'd honestly love to see where you bring this. Keeping the reader on his toes through twists and turns is always a good thing. In my honest opinion, if people were to give you input into the storyline, it wouldn't be quite as good as what you could come up with and entertain your readers with on your own.

And those are my two cents. Very well done.
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Old 09-07-2008, 05:09 AM
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Ah, deliciously random!

Hmm.

I think I'll come back later...
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Old 09-07-2008, 06:57 PM
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I'm not sure I could add anything to this. Its a good start and makes me want to know more of this Randominastica. Looking forward to reading more.
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Old 09-08-2008, 12:16 AM
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Thanks guys! This should be randiscously fun!
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Old 09-08-2008, 01:23 AM
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Hey guys! This is the next part in the story!

And so you are in the realm of Randominastica. Congratualations, you fool. For now you will have to read the remainder of this guide in order to escape.

Note 2: When in Randominastica, never think of both Monty Python and Harry Potter.

Yes that is correct, never think of two incredibly different things, for you will regret it forever.


The darkness faded into white, like a giant room with painted walls. Ben didn’t know where he was, or what had happened, nor had he read the Guide to Randominastica – Especially for Humans and Zurgons, and so he stood still, his mouth gaping open in shock.

If only I had gone to the DVD section and borrowed a nice humorous video like Monty Python and The Holy Grail or Forest Gump (which he found really quite funny) or maybe if I had gone to the fiction section and borrowed Harry Potter.

Than he went into full shock and started pinching himself in the false hope that he was dreaming, and he was safe. But safety is a hallucination in any case, the false belief that you can be free from all danger and bother when at anytime you could be the unlucky victim of a random bombing or a book entitled The Gate to Randominastica. Unfortunately, Ben fell under safety’s illusion, and followed it through desert planes in hope for water, until he realised it was all a mirage.

After multitudes after multitudes of pinches, Ben was too sore to realise the group of knights in black armor approaching him, until they were right in front of him.

“We are the knights that say expelliamus!” One at the front of the group exclaimed.

And then the whole assembly joined in, “Expelliamus! Expelliamus! Expelliamus!”

Ben stared in shock at the men before him, he recalled a scene from the Holy Grail.

“The knights who say expelliamus? Isn’t it nee?”
“No, it is the knights who say,”

They all joined in once more, “Expelliamus! Expelliamus! Expelliamus!”

“Than maybe your weakness is still,” he announce, “if!”

They all stood staring puzzled towards him.

“By any chance, do you mean Hagrid,” the group shuddered, “because we hate the word Hagrid,”

Once again, “Expelliamus! Expelliamus!”

“Hagrid!” Ben called out, much to the knight’s dismay, “Hagrid! Hagrid! Hagrid!”

Screams erupted from the crowd, but were soon replaced by more chants of Expelliamus. The leader of the group stepped forward.

“We are the knights who say Expelliamus! And you dare insult us? Expelliamus is only the most notable of the sacred words which we are assigned to protect; the others being "Hermione" and "Ron". All of these words are infamous for the flagrant horror and terror they bring about, whether delivered by us Knights or not!”

“Expelliamus! Expelliamus!” the group agreed.


“I am their king, and as their righteous king,”

A cough erupted from the crowd, before a loud shhhhhh…..

“I allow the following prayer to be prayed under the most virtuous laws of the legion of the words! Oh words! Through the most holy, magical and powerful powers of the trinity – Expelliamus, Hermione and Ron – may we cast death upon the sinister soul who revealed the most sacred secret – our weakness – to the outer world,”

And with a loud “amen” the king fell to the ground, dead.

“Oh, not again!” someone called from the crowd before a tall man stepped forward in the late king’s place.

“Hail the new king and ruler of the Knights who say Expelliamus! King Nuulynushbuckle the second!”

“As the previous king was saying,” the new king said, “our secret has been revealed, and we must act immediately! From now on, we shall be called, The Old, Grey Bearded Wizards who say Ekke Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoom-Boing!”

“Expelliamus! Expelliamus!” someone called out, before another long shhhh…..

“Yes! The Old, Grey Bearded Wizards who say Ekke Ellly Eppy Rang Zoom Pop!” the assembly roared.

“No!” the king exclaimed, frustrated “Ekke Ekke….”

He was soon cut off, “O.K! We get it!”

Ben, after watching these weird events at last spoke, “Just because you are now the Old…”

“We said we get it already!”

“The people who until recently said “Expelliamus!” he continued, almost quoting one of his favourite Monty Python lines, “doesn’t mean you have a different weakness,”

“Yes it does!” the king said, waving his hand dismissively.

“Do you want me to try?”

“O.K., let’s bet on it!”

“Deal!”

“People,” the king said pausing, “Hagrid!”

Nothing happened.

Than he said, “People, Snape!”

This was met by intense squirming and shivering.

“Why thank you,” Ben said smiling before, “Snape! Snape! Snape! Snape! Snape!”

The knights/wizards of Expelliamus/Ekke Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoom-Boing could handle this torture no longer. They galloped away in a frenzy, reminding Ben of where he was. The horse’s hooves kicked up no dust, the scene diminished into nothing, and that is where Ben was now. In an utter nothingness. Randominastica.

The next part is further down this page!

Thanks!
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Last edited by hellomoto; 09-13-2008 at 03:39 PM..
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Old 09-08-2008, 05:39 AM
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Hehe, pretty funny. Reminds me a bit of Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). I copy his style a bit myself. The problem is that you may have a tough time getting something like this published. Parodies and things aren't an easy field to write in, as they depend heavily on popular culture to send their messages. While Monty Python and Harry Potter are both pretty widely known things you may want to beware of throwing in so many references that it blocks out the rest of your story. You need to have an original plot-line and all, not just scenes from the things that you're parodying.

If only I had gone to the DVD section and borrowed a nice humorous video like Monty Python and The Holy Grail or Forest Gump (which he found really quite funny) or maybe if I had gone to the fiction section and borrowed Harry Potter.
This bit is awkward. It's the first time we get his thoughts from a 1st person PoV, and then you suddenly add third person in parantheses, and you could also use some punctuation.


If only I had gone to the DVD section and borrowed a nice humorous video like Monty Python and The Holy Grail or Forest(Forrest) Gump(Here I'd add a comma and explain this sudden change in Point of View as thoughts. ", he thought wishfully/unhappily/etc...) (which he found really quite funny)(I'd just take this right out. It's rather poorly worded, plus you break into his thoughts with explanation from completely different Point of View.) or maybe if I had gone to the fiction section and borrowed(You said borrowed once already, and now it sounds odd.) Harry Potter.

That bit really was the only thing in need of immediate correction. You have one or two style/SPAG/syntax errors here and there, but nothing serious. Keep it up!
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Old 09-08-2008, 07:32 AM
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What an interesting read. I like the pacing. Very fast, and keeps you interested, wondering what they will say next.

I look forward to reading more.

What will happen to Ben next????
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Old 09-09-2008, 01:39 AM
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Thanks for your comments guys! And BTW Winterbite, the whole story won't be parodies of other stories. This was just one part. thanks for your comments!
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Old 09-13-2008, 03:36 PM
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Here is the next part!

Ew.... How sinister. Poor old Mr. Lodgings. But his troubles will cease to end as I guide you through the unfortunate and random world of Randominastica. You may wonder who I am and why I know so much about the place, but as you are probably in yet another unfortunate situation I will leave this precarious subject and stray onto the more important subject, or in this case:

Note 3: And PLEASE don’t talk to yourself!

Ben lodgings stared in dismay at nothing. His mind twirled and raced and hurt at the same confusing time as it tried to comprehend the previous events. Eventually, his brain computed the most basic phrase used by humans in such odd occasions.

“What the hell?” or in cases of Zurgons, “ZeekZeekOlly?”

Much like a lot of things he had done ignorantly (for he has not read this guide) Ben later regretted this.

The words came out of his mouth, in the form of huge red and yellow letters. Their edges were blazing in deep red fire and they zoomed out in front of Ben before landing onto the floor that seemed to exist beneath Ben.

The flaming words began to move towards Ben, and their sounds boomed out from nowhere.

“What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?”

And indeed, Ben repeated the sentence, “What the hell?”

Once more, flaming words flew from his mouth, landing behind the previous sentence and moving towards Ben.

“What – What – the – the – hell – hell?” the two sentences yelled.

Ben didn’t dare say anything more, he began to back away as the words gained on him.

After much scrambling, he forgot his goal – not to speak, “God!”

The words God flew out of his mouth, this time in a blue colour and flailing water from its sides. These different words landed next to Ben and began to move towards the red words. Ben stopped as he awaited their collision. They collided together, the watery, blue words using its water to extinguish the flaming red words before disappearing itself.

Ben experimented, “Freedom!”
The words freedom also came out in a blue colour, speeding towards the other red sentence. Once more they both collided and both dissipated.

“Crap,” Ben said, realising, but regretting it as soon as he said it.

The words came out in red they landed away from Ben, but were speeding towards him.

“I love you!” he said, thinking of good, kind or politically correct things to say.

The words came out in blue, smashing into the red words. Than something weird happened. A small figure appeared in the distance, Ben knew exactly who it was. In fact, he was exactly who it was. A replicate of himself!

“George Bush!” Ben two boomed, as the red flaming words flew from his mouth and sped towards Ben.

Ben thought quickly, “Freedom,” he said again, but the words failed to become objects. Ben did not know that words could not be repeated in this game, until then (but of course, now you have been warned, there is no reason that you should fall for the same trick).

The words were gaining on him, and he began to scramble backwards, “Chocolate,”

The words, much to Ben’s relief (seeing he knew nothing about the nutritional details of chocolate) flew from Ben’s mouth in a blue, watery blast, smashing into the opposing red words and diminishing into nothing with a cataclysmic explosion.

“Ekke Ekke –” Ben 2 began, but the phrase was quickly interrupted by a loud are you death? We get it!

The words came out in their full form though.

“Nelson Mandela,” Ben yelled, the words came out blue, and smashed into the red words, but the red words survived!

Ben, being a reasonably smart lad (for the purposes of this guide only) realised that he needed a longer phrase, his mind pounded his skull, clawing for answers.

And then he realised, “The Gate to Randomanstica!”

The words came from his mouth in a giant blue flurry. It smashed through the approaching red words and continued on. Ben 2 was astonished – he stared in awe at the approaching words.

Ben also looked in awe, gasping as the words hit his other self, vaporizing him immediately.



As Ben had smartly realised, The Space-time Universe of Randominastica is a living (but fortunately not breeding) thing. Not only was it alive, but it has been known to be fairly egotistical, denying any accusations that it was evil. And so it thought it was good, very good, very very good, the most good possible to describe using very.

But if I were to carry on describing the lack of humility Randominastica bares, I could not show how random it is, and therefore you will fall vulnerable to the next situation.

Note 4: Beware of the I-men!


He was once more in the empty white room he was in minutes ago – before his words came alive. He sat down, confused and worried for he knew not what to do in the wretched place.

Time didn’t seem to pass there and even if it did, he would have no idea what it was. Silence lingered like dense fog on a cold winter’s morning. He could feel it.

After no time (for it didn’t exist in Randominastica) there was a noise in the distance.

Ben was frustrated. He wished he had time (which didn’t exist) to figure out what to do, but time didn’t seem to be on his side (nor did it exist).

Someone appeared close by, it ran towards him dressed in white suit and holding a white gun in its hands.

“Hands up!” it yelled, “If you move, I will shoot you with my I-gun,”

Ben obeyed, holding his hands in the air above him.

“Be warned, I am armoured in the latest I-suit nano, nothing can penetrate its ultra sleek exterior!”


Ben remained still, “Peanut-Butter Sandwiches!” he yelled, seeing if the old speak and a word comes out attacking your opponent trick still worked. But it did not.

“Peanut Butter Sandwiches?” the man queried, “do you mean Peanut Butter I-sandwiches? On the I-ship classic we have an I-food touch?”

Ben was now smiling at the sight. Wherever he was, it certainly weird.

Then, more men came out from no-where, dressed in the same attire as the first man.

“Hello lads,” the first one smiled at the others.

“Have you mentioned the i-glasses yet?” one asked.

“Wait,” Ben interrupted, “whatever happened to the i-pod?”

“Hmmm…. I-pod, I’m not sure what you mean, but I guess, we are a pod of people, and could therefore be classified as an i-pod,”

“I think he means the i-poddle,”

“Ah, yes, the i-poddle,” the first continued, “a legend in our area. Apparently, long, long ago, there was once a giant device called the i-poddle, that used almost as large ear-pugs to emit VES! Myth of course!”

“VES?” Ben asked, puzzled.

“Vaguely Entertaining Sounds,” the man explained, “Legend has it, they used to listen to a MOVES named The Beat-ups!”

“MOVES?”

“Medium Of Vaguely Entertaining Sounds,”

“Oh,” Ben said, “I think you mean the Beatles,”

“Are you talking about the i-beatle?” one from the group asked, “they are brilliant things that detect when mosquitoes are near-by!”

“What are you on about?” he said, a smile planted on his face – and growing quickly.

“Have you tried any i-toothpaste? Make’s those chopper’s of yours shine like a BOIS!”

Ben decided not to ask.

“And oh man, those lips of yours are as big as an i-bus!”

Another continued, “Maybe you could consider –”

“Shut up!”

“I don’t know what you want to shut up, but if you want a door that needs shutting consider an i-door will you?”

“No!”

“Did you know, the sound “no” can also be spelt “know” and mean a completely different thing? You could learn this with an i-dic-”

Frustrated, Ben lashed out at the speaking man with his foot. One of his large brown shoes flew off, knocking the man to the ground.

The man stood up, picking the shoe up as a gasp rolled across the crowd.

They all stared angrily at Ben, a look of fiery in their eyes. They stepped forward, the man who was knocked to the ground holding the shoe in the air.

The men held up their i-guns.

The attacked man at last spoke, “What putrid shoes! Have you ever considered i-shoes?”

And with that, they shot the shoe.

“My shoe!” Ben exclaimed in shock, after a second’s remorse he shook his other shoe off as it was now useless.

And so this ridiculous conversation went on. Soon, Ben had lost interest in it and was sitting down and fiddling with his fingers. He was hopelessly lost, confused and stunned at the same horrible time.

And then it happened. There was a loud, whirring sound as a blue box began to form in front of them. A police box.

The door on its front swung open and a man dressed in a long black jumper and black pants stepped out, followed by a tall lady in a flowing red dress.

He stared at the men, “Ahh… I see,” he said ominously, “We have i-men” and with that he turned to face an imaginary camera staring determinately forwards.

He paused, than sighed, “God damn it, cut!”


“I thought I did O.K,” the lady said.

“You waited too long before your line!”

“Sorry,”

The two turned around and walked back into the police box, before immediately stepping out again.

He stared at the men again, “Ahh… I see,” he said ominously, “We have i-men” and with that he turned to face an imaginary camera staring determinately forwards (again).

“Oh no! Doctor help!” the lady pleaded.
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Old 09-15-2008, 06:14 AM
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I just love reading each excerpt you post. Highly amusing. I am always left wondering what craziness will happen next.
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Old 09-15-2008, 12:45 PM
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The i-Men are coming! He-he, that's funny! I'm an open-source/Windows user myself, so I can appreciate Apple humor. Very interesting, and quite funny!
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Old 09-15-2008, 06:18 PM
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Just a note, hellomoto - especially when using words from other books, keep the spelling the same.

I noticed your,
"expelliamus"
differed in some cases. Perhaps it was a typo, but it would be best if you revert them to being the same for all!

Quite random, indeed! The storyline aside, your writing is quite mature for your age, so well done.
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Old 09-17-2008, 12:10 AM
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Thanks for your comments guys! I am un-sure how to continue this story for I fell that iit needs some sort of plot....
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Old 09-17-2008, 11:52 AM
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Is there a quest that ben must go on to escape Randominastica?

Is he secretly the author writing this guide to help any poor unfortunate soul who might find the unnasuming purple book labled "The Gate to Randominastica"?

Who are the Zurgons, and why are they included in this guide?
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Old 09-17-2008, 04:16 PM
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Hmm.

The Zurgons reminds me of the Vogons from... actually, the whole story seems vaguely like the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. With the Improbablity Factor, and Vogons... and just total randomness!

Hellomoto - if you haven't read it before, read it and it might give you some ideas.
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Old 09-17-2008, 05:44 PM
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I said the same thing a little while ago. Glad to see I'm not a lone Adams fan around here!

Yes, Hellomoto, a novel doesn't get very far without some sort of plot. It's usually a good idea to have some sort of plot in mind when you start, though some writers (Stephen King, for example) like to just let the story take them where it wills. Perhaps Ben should go on a quest for something predictable in Randoministica in order to implode that Universe or something similar. A villain might be a good idea. A completely random one, of course. May I suggest Barack Obama? .

In Hitchhikers, Arthur Dent had to...to...confound, I've forgotten the plot in that novel already! Ah yes...their mission was to find Arthur's place in the universe, keep his brain from being dissected, and to find the ultimate question. Not hugely plottish as plots go, but enough to keep the story up. Mull over it a bit, and try to imagine what the book's ending will be like. Then go there.
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Old 09-17-2008, 08:36 PM
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Yes... didn't read your previous post, Winter... sorry.

But try to create some characters of your own, HelloMoto. Spoofs are good, but unless you can specify the generalisation you are spoofing, then it doesn't work. For instance, should you jump from Monty Python to Harry Potter and then to Medieval stuff and then to Barack Obama, your reader may be confused and it might not be as funny as it could be if you stuck to a spoofing theme (books, authors, politicians)...

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Old 01-03-2011, 11:34 AM
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Hey hellomoto!

As said earlier in this thread, your work really reminds one of the Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's really positive to get inspired by a great work like his or Monty Python's, but be careful it doesn't become too spoofy are too much like fan fiction. I got the idea you consider this your work (since you called it your novel), so I was quite surprised to read a sort of fanfiction of a lot of things you're probably interested in yourself. It might be a personal challenge to write something in the spirit of the stuff you like, without copying it or blending it together too much =)

If you meant to write a fanfiction, it's worked out pretty nicely, though
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Old 01-04-2011, 03:15 AM
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Much as I hate to point this out, the last post was in 2008, so this is kinda thread necromancy

I know it's easy done and it took me a few minutes reading this to see how old it was, but it's just one of those where you have to be careful about the date stamp
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Old 01-04-2011, 03:21 AM
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Woops xD Thanks for pointing it out to me, Dragon King =P Forgot to check. I'll remember to do that next time xD
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