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Words on Paper

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Old 07-13-2009, 09:56 AM
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I want to post a poem that I've been working on. Not my best work but I want it to be held to that standard, so please tell me what is wrong with it and how I can make it better. Thanks everyone!

Words on Paper
by Michal Pietrasz

The words are coming regularly now,
they march out of my fingertips
like an army, left, right, left,

my mind doesn’t know,
why I press these keys
in this order or disorder,

my body wants to sleep
but my fingers keep typing,
my eyes close
my body relaxes just a bit,

the words are written already,
sitting here in invisible ink,
I just have to reveal them to myself,
to the rest of the world,
my adoring public, my people.
they will read these words and wonder why?
why does he do this?
why these words? why him?

I will have an answer for them,
but they will have to find it
inside the pages,
inside the lines,
inside the words.

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Old 07-13-2009, 11:46 AM
Chalant (Offline)
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Hello Michal. I think you've got a good start of a poem here, but I also think it does need a bit of work and polish to get your message shining across. Here's just a few thoughts I had while reading through.


The words are (coming regularly now,) <-- don’t need this. You build up the idea of ‘coming regularly now’ so well with the image of a marching army that these words weaken that idea a bit.
they march out of my fingertips
like an army, left, right, left,

my mind doesn’t know,
why I press these keys
in this order or disorder, <-- the message you’re trying to convey here gets a little muddied for me by the rest of the poem. The “mind doesn’t know” but the rest of the poem is a series of explanations why the fingers are typing – so the ideas don’t quite jive. What I would’ve liked is to have seen the poem written from the point of view of the fingertips. “Words are marching out of us…” “our body wants to sleep” “the words are written, we can see them, but to Him they’re still invisible” – things along those lines, perhaps. These are just suggestions from a regular joe, though, so feel free to ignore.

my body wants to sleep
but my fingers keep typing,
my eyes close
my body relaxes (just a bit,) <-- these words are a little weak in that they don't contribute to the image much. We see him relax, that's enough. Keep it powerful, trim the fat.

the words are written already,
sitting here in invisible ink,
I just have to reveal them to myself,
to the rest of the world, <-- starting from these lines the poem starts to fall flat for me – it’s too much of an author’s voice intruding like a speech, instead of a poet allowing words to paint the right images.
my adoring public, my people.
they will read these words and wonder why?
why does he do this?
why these words? why him?

I will have an answer for them,
but they will have to find it <-- starting here, it gets back to being a poet, for me. If you can tweak the lines before here, and come back to this voice, I think it’ll really improve the poem.
inside the pages,
inside the lines,
inside the words.
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I know I had a handful of quibbles with the poem, but I hope it doesn't seem as though I don't like it at all, because I do really like the idea. The fingers sort of working without the mind's approval or knowledge. It something you can build on, it just might need some work before it gets finished
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Old 07-13-2009, 06:31 PM
Jade Church (Offline)
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I like the mental state you are representing in this poem. Good job
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Old 07-14-2009, 02:26 AM
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Can't we just omit the whole first line, and start it out at "they march..."? I think it's more interesting that way.
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