WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction > Scripts

Scripts Plays and script writing.


Mouth Of The Beast.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 01-03-2010, 03:58 AM
chrischance's Avatar
chrischance (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Letchworth Garden City, Hertfordshire, England..
Posts: 17
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Send a message via Skype™ to chrischance
Default Mouth Of The Beast.


Hi Guys,
I have just changed my script from a 'shooting script' to a 'spec script'. The idea being that producers don't like the writer to be doing the director's job; IE, using transitions like 'CUT TO' etc. I personally find this makes things more difficult.
Anyway, I would just like a general constructive comment regarding the flow and content of the first 2200 words. The formatting hasn't quite copied correctly from the file, especially the scene headings;sorry about that. Many thanks in advance to those who read it. Chris.
The Mouth Of The Beast.

fade in:

int. dimly lit prison van. may 1998. day 1. evening. 19:30

Chains RATTLE. Sweat DRIPS from Chance's chin onto wrist manacles. Chance slowly turns his INJURED FACE to glance up at the brute he is chained to. He then gazes from FACE to FACE in sinister silence as fresh blood oozes from his injured nose and drips onto his hand. Contemplating on his bloodied fingers where the nails used to be, he cudgels his brain back to yesterday.

ext. junction 13 on the a-4 e-5 motorway Madrid. on a sunny day in may 1998. 14:30. flashback.

Chance drives his minibus into the slip road off junction 13 to enter the service area when suddenly two cars race toward him against the flow of traffic. The slip road traffic stops in a cacophony of BLARING car horns.

Men (in plain clothes) alight from their cars brandishing firearms and run toward Chance, pointing their weapons at his windscreen.

A wild-eyed man rushes at Chance's door, pointing a pistol at his head. Chance slams the door into the man, knocking him over and escapes from the minibus, runs to the rear and leaps on the car behind in an effort to jump over the roadside hedge. Landing badly, he winded himself, but managed to run into a nearby hotel lobby.

int. hotel lobby. flashback.

The lobby is part of a new building that isn't yet finished and all the interior doors are locked. Chance is alone as he frantically tries each door.

Suddenly, five men enter the lobby pointing their pistols at Chance. He raises his hands above his head and stands still as the men surround him menacingly.

CHANCE

Tranquilo, hombres.

One of the men produces handcuffs and pulls Chance's hands down behind his back one at a time and snaps the handcuffs to each wrist very tight, the RASPING noise of the ratchet triggers the five men into action as they beat Chance with their pistols.

Plain clothes policemen

(Grunting and cursing in Spanish.)

The moving parts of their weapons RATTLE as they beat him about the head and body. A heavy-built man slams Chance's face into the wall, LOUDLY breaking his nose as another man pulls his legs from under him, crashing his face into the tiled floor, BREAKING his teeth. The men continued to kick and pistol-whip Chance until they thought he was unconscious: he wasn't.

int. hotel lobby. dream.

Chance lay face down experiencing the thudding sensations of pistols, fists and boots pounding into his body. A dreamlike sensation that everything was happening in the distance as the warmth of unconsciousness hovered, but not quite descending on him.

int. hotel lobby. flashback.

Two of the men grabbed Chance's arms to lift and drag him outside to a waiting unmarked police car.

ext.hotel.car with doors open.flashback.

The blood from Chance's head wounds run into his eyes and clot his eye lashes together. Chance wipes his eyes on the back of the driver's seat enabling him to see the incoming punch from an irate secret policeman leaning into the car.

SECRET POLICEMAN

(in Spanish)

Cabron

Three policemen get into the car, slam the doors and drive away, sirens blaring.

EXT. SECRET POLICE COMPOUND IN MADRID.15:30. flashback.

Chance is dragged from the car and made to stand facing a single story building made of wood, reminiscent of a military building. A big man wearing a smart suit descends the wooden steps to the tarmac where Chance stands in the afternoon sunshine.

BIG MAN

(Speaking in Spanish accent)

So, Mr English, you try to escape and injure my men with your karate shit. Not clever, my friend.

Chance looked at him for a long moment, hate in his eyes.

CHANCE

Undo the handcuffs please, my hands are hurting me.

The big man walks behind Chance to see the handcuffs CUTTING into his wrists. He calls to his grinning men.

BIG MAN.

(In Spanish)

Take them off.

Two men stroll over to Chance and take off the handcuffs. Chance rubs his hands vigorously then notices his missing finger and thumb nails. BLOODY, RAW FLESH at the end of each thumb and most of his fingers throbbed painfully.

CHANCE

Your brave men did well today, especially after putting the handcuffs on. Now I need a hospital.

big man

Waving his arms aggressively at his men.

(Speaking in Spanish)

Get him inside and cleaned up ready for hospital.

int. washroom in compound. flashback

Surrounded by Spanish officers, Chance cleans his face using a wash hand basin with both taps running. He GRABS his broken nose with both hands, looks in the mirror and NOISILY forces the gristle and flesh back into shape as he discharges blood clots with a copious rush of blood into the sink. An onlooker pukes into the sinks.

puking officer

(in Spanish)

Hijo de puta (son of a bitch)

Looks hatefully at Chance as he runs water to wash the puke from his chin. Chance grins at him with his BLOODY mouth.

ext. hospital entrance in madrid. 17:15. flashback.

Media personnel jostle with cameras and microphones to interview Chance,SEVERAL JOURNALISTS DESCEND.

journalists

Is it true - 5 tonnes? Are you the British judo champion? Did you fire your weapon?

Chance remained silent as National Police officers rapidly escort him into the hospital reception area.

int. hospital a&e treatment room. flashback

Chance is sitting in centre of room surrounded by national and secret policemen as his head is being stitched by a large female doctor, who NOISILY SCRAPES his skull with the needle. The officers are sickened and leave one by one. After the treatment, Chance is taken away in handcuffs.

int. holding cells in downtown madrid. 19:30. flashback

Chance is in a large cell with 8 men, 5 of whom are his co-defendants, though he doesn't know that yet.Food is brought around the cells by an internee and a belligerent prison officer. Chance cannot eat his food because of his broken teeth and the stink of the food. Across from his cell, Chance acknowledges a wave from a Chinese man.

chinese man (Later known as Chinky)

(Speaks English in Chinese accent)

Hey Engrish, food shit, eh?

Chance gives him a smile and raises his hand in a half wave.

CHANCE

Hello Chinky. Yeah, it's shit, man. Where're you from?

chinky

Hong Kong, but talk later when we get to prison.

INT. MAGISTRATES COURT. MADRID. DAY 2 of flashback.

A Judge dressed in black robes gazes meaningfully at Chance.

judge

(in accented English)

Now you go Carabanchel prison on remand. You smuggle hashish... you pay big time... fuera (get out)

end flashback.

ext. prison reception area. present day. evening. 19:30

Chance's flashback ends as the prison van pulls into prison reception area and the Guardia Civil driver and his companion get out to open the sliding side door.

van driver

(in Spanish)

Fuera, fuera. (Out,get out)

Several prison officers arrive as the inmates in the van are dragged out, chains rattling into the fading sunlight of the evening.

(prison officers shouting)

(in Spanish)

Get out, you bastards, get out.
The men are pushed and prodded into a line by the prison officers as the Guardia Civil officers retrieve their handcuffs from the inmates. One of the Guardia Civil officers draws his pistol and puts it to Chance's head as his colleague unlocks the manacles. Bullying prison officers frisk the inmates as the manacles are being removed by the Guardia Civil officers.

senior prison officer

(in Spanish)

Everybody undress, quickly.

Everyone undresses. Chance is naked first, blood stained clothes lying in a heap at his feet. A prison officer brings a mirror and places it between Chance's feet.

SENIOR PRISON OFFICER

(in Spanish)

Squat, quickly.

Chance squats over the mirror, the prison officer checks his rectum for hidden items. His face lights up as he discovers the injuries to Chance's rectum and testicles.

SENIOR PRISON OFFICER

(in Spanish)

Come here and see this arsehole.

Prison officers gather round to look at Chance's damaged and bleeding rectum. The massive bruising, missing finger nails, shattered teeth and massively swollen testicles cause great hilarity. One of them picks up Chance's bloody clothes with the end of his truncheon and flicks them into a nearby holding cell and gestures for him to follow and get dressed.

int. reception building. day 2. evening

The larger of the two prison officers manning the finger print table, grabs Chance's wrist and forcefully press each of his fingers in turn on the ink slab and press them onto the record sheet. Chance sees the word PELIGROSO (Dangerous) stamped in red on the top of the record sheet. The prison officer repeats the process with the other hand, smearing blood from Chance's damaged fingers onto his own hands.

CHANCE

I have AIDS, SIDA, you fat bastard.

Chance smirks as the fear hits home in the bully's brain.

fat prison officer

(cursing in Spanish)

Rushes to the washroom as his colleague shoves Chance toward the mug-shot photographer. Two officers grab Chance and force him backwards into a white tiled wall, banging his head and smearing blood on the wall.

SENIOR PRISON OFFICER

(shouting in Spanish)

You stupid English bastard, wipe that blood off the wall.

He throws a toilet roll at Chance, who wipes the ink and blood from his fingers. The officer screams obscenities and pushes Chance into the wall, indicating the paper is to wipe the wall, not his fingers. The photo is quickly taken and Chance is pushed to the next table where he quickly writes his name and address on the record sheet. He is pushed towards a counter where an officer beckons him to sign for his washing and shaving kit, bedding, towel and CONTRACEPTIVES. Chance fingers the contraceptives, bemused, he signs the sheet. The officer nods towards a shower cubicle across the room, indicating he is to shower. Another officer screams at him to hurry and strip naked to take a shower.Chance steps into the shower and immediately turns his back on the OGLING officer.

int. dimly lit prison corridor. day 2. evening

A tall, slim officer escorts Chance along dimly lit corridors to Wing 5. Distant shouts and screams break the eerie silence. Escort hands over Chance to ugly, scruffy prison officer at entrance to Wing 5. Leering officer prods Chance with truncheon ahead of him as iron gate NOISILY clangs shut.

int. wing 5. top landing. day 2. evening

Chance walks in front of escort along poorly lit landing whilst looking down through the safety net at the lower landings. The escort NOISILY taps the handrail with his truncheon. Cockroaches and rats SCATTER as they approach cell 98. The escort inserts key and NOISILY SLAMS back the big steel bolt and pulls open the cell door.

int. cell 98. day 2. evening

Two Arabs stand to attention as Chance and escort enter the dimly lit cell. The escort snarls and points his truncheon threateningly at the Arabs.

ugly prison officer

(in Spanish)

Otro giri (another foreigner)

tribak and hassan (arabs)

Si, senor, muy bien, senor.

Escort officer backs out of the cell pointing his truncheon menacingly at Chance. He NOISILY SLAMS the door shut, SLAMS the steel bolt, turns the key and can be heard tapping the handrail as he walks away. The Arabs grab each of Chance's hands, vigorously shaking them in welcome.

TRIBAK

(speaking heavily accented English)

You are English, yes?

CHANCE

Yes,mate,where are you from, Morocco?

TRIBAK

No, my friend, we are from Algiers. Come, sit,we make your bed.

The Arabs make up a third bed as Chance WASHES blood from his hands then sits on the bed. The Arabs gasp as they see the INJURIES to Chance's body as he undresses.

hassan

Police?

CHANCE

Yes, the secret police did this when they arrested me. Bastards!

Hassan hands Chance a T-shirt and Tribak hands him a lumberjack style shirt. The cell light goes out and they each climb into their beds. Moonlight shines in through the barred window as Chance buries his head in the pillow. The heartache and numbing sadness express itself in a dream as tears of frustration soak into the pillow.

ext. chance's house in remote area of andalucia. dream.

Chance's wife, Susan, feeds dogs; Roxy, the Rottweiler and Sammy and Max, the German Shepherds; the happy group unaware of Chance's imprisonment. The dream is shattered by a piercing scream.

END DREAM.

int. cell 98. day 2. night.

Tribak leaps out of bed as screams from the depths of the gallery reverberate around the wing. In the moonlight, Tribak slides back the metal plate of the judas hole to squint out with one eye. He speaks in rapid Arabic, giving a commentary about the goings on on a lower landing.

HASSAN

(in accented English)

Four screws are beating a rapist who was just caught raping his cellmate.

int. lower landing on wing 5. day 2. night.

Four prison officers beat a Spanish inmate with truncheons on the landing in the light from the open cell door. The unconscious inmate lay bleeding as the officers stepped back to admire their work. Don Ignasius, the officer who escorted Chance to cell 98, continued to smash the inmate's ankle and knee to the sound of his weird laughter echoing around the wing.

__________________
'Carabanchel' - 'The Lone Brit on 13' - 'Satan's Arena'
'The Assassins Code 1' - 'Locked up Abroad'
Christopher Chance.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-03-2010, 05:48 AM
Lin
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

No, it actually makes things much easier. * What you need to do is learn what a script is and how it works. * It doesn't set up the visual experience with SMASH CUT and all that... it provides a story, characters and dialog. **

Unlesss you work for a studio there is no point in ever writing a shooting script. *

One thing you should realize: *there is no point in putting into your script anything the audience can't see or hear. * Go through and look for that.
Can people see that all the doors are locked? *No, they can't. *Unless eombody goes around and tries them all. *In which case, that is what you tell.
We either don't have anyway of knowing if the rest of the building is finished. *Furthermore, there is no real reason we should give a shit. * It either comes out in dialog or action, or it's useless.

Slugs are like *INT: CELL BLOCK - NIGHT * You don't add atmospheric details, you don't tag them with time or FLASHBACK or any of that. *These things are either seen by the audience (in which case, learn how to call them... like SUPER) *or leave them out. * MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK is not a legitimate slug element.

(Frankly, you should ditch the whole time super anyway, *there's no point saying "24 Knockoff" in big letters right up front.

The first time a character is introduced, the name is in all caps. *JACK BAUER , *HECKLER #2, *ONE-EYED WHORE. * *Only characters that are significant. *That's a udgement call, but if they have lines of dialog, they are definitely significant. * * "Bystanders" needn't be capped, but JURY might be.


Don't say "suddenly"

No need to cap FACE TO FACE. *What is it? *What is INJURED FACE? *
No need to cap sounds, in my opinion, unless they are super-significant. *Capping props is also falling out of favor.
Use partentheticals VERY sparely. *They are almost never the best solution. * Why is "cursing in Spanish" a "wryly" instead of *"Guards, cursing in Spanish, *beat the crap out of the prisoner"?


Why tell us about their shit RATTLING? * It is either significant or not, and the director will decide how much foley he wants on that *probably meaningless detail.


This sentence *"Contemplating on his bloodied fingers where the nails used to be, he cudgels his brain back to yesterday." * is a trainwreck for many reasons. * *We have no measure or cue of this unseen cudgelling. * The nails thing is long and awkeard, as it much of this... what people will call "novelistic", but really meaning running off at the mouth with no reason, when you should be keeping things concise to keep your page count down. * "His hands bleed where his fingernails have been pulled out. "
We have NO way of knowiung the coming flashback is "Yesterday". *If that's important, figure out a way the audience can know it. * It's probably not important, and telegraphed by him wearing the same clothes, but *showing a days' growin of facial hair.
The FLASHBACK will establish whatever *"prelude" is needed, not something "contemplating" *The director will do something cute and flashbacky for a transisiton... or just cut to the flashback.

You don't have to say "In Spanish" if a guy says "Cabron" * We realize that. * *And your partenthetical of "Son of a bitch" is a good example of what I'm telling you here. *Who are you talking to? *The director? *The script reader? * Not the audience, they can't see the script. *See what I mean.
Either call out subtitles, or don't. * My suggestion: *don't.

SECRET POLICE HEADQUARTERS *MADRID * *same sort of problem. * If Madrid means anything, *show the audience. *Or let them hear somebody say it. *Otherwise skip it. *For no other reason than this, if nothing else: *what makes you think they'll film this in Madrid? * **
Is there any reason to say it's a "secret" police headquarters? * We have a place where these guys are torturing thic cat. *Where do we think it's happening? * Does it matter?
If it matters, show us. * A super, *a title, *a big *CARCEL DE POLICIA SECRETA on the building. *Woops, wait a minute....

The same guard... does that matter? * If so, just give him a name if he has any lines or call him "UGLY GUARD" or "GUARD NUNBER 3" or something.

The wordiness I mention... the BIG MAN/handcuffs thing. *All this walking around, strolling over. * Cut to the chase.

BIg Man jerks Chance around. *Sees the cuffs burined in bleeding wrists. *Calls to Guards
BIG MAN
Quitalelos.

Make up your mind if you're going to have Spanish dialog in Spanish (in which case, find out what it is) *or as*
(In Spanish)
Take them off.


Most of his fingers thrrobbed painfully...save it for the novel. *Show us or tell us.

By the way, *jumping from a dream to a flashback is pretty dicey. * Think about it.



The biggest initial hurdle for a newbie screenwriter is to get comfortable with THE WAY SCRIPTS TELL STORIES. * It's almost like learning to do an Italian accent or somethign, a way they talk. * Simple present tense, * spare and precise directions. * Awarness of what the audience can know.
It's like learning to be around a blind person. *It takes awhile to realize they don't see your head nods, they can't pick up on your body English, they don't know what "red" means. *You learn to talk to them in a way they can understand. *Same way with the audience... they aren't privy to your inner thoughts.

Also, be aware of your primary readers...who are in the film business. *It's not enough to just go through and cut out all the CU and FILLET CUT or whatever... you have to THINK that way... to forget trying to shoot the film on paper and concentrate on creating a compelling blueprint that somebody else will want to make into a film.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-03-2010, 06:57 AM
chrischance's Avatar
chrischance (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Letchworth Garden City, Hertfordshire, England..
Posts: 17
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Send a message via Skype™ to chrischance
Default

Hi Lin, many thanks for the time spent on your constructive reply. I have printed it off because I value the instruction.
Best wishes for 2010.
Chris.
__________________
'Carabanchel' - 'The Lone Brit on 13' - 'Satan's Arena'
'The Assassins Code 1' - 'Locked up Abroad'
Christopher Chance.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-26-2010, 02:48 AM
chrischance's Avatar
chrischance (Offline)
Pencil pusher
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Letchworth Garden City, Hertfordshire, England..
Posts: 17
Thanks: 0
Thanks 0
Send a message via Skype™ to chrischance
Default

I have now finished my spec script for IN THE MOUTH OF THE BEAST. I have used 27,000 words on 117 pages. It has been quite difficult condensing 255 pages of a book into 117 pages of script and quite frustrating leaving out a chapter or two. Anyway, it's done now so I must compose a pitching letter and a treatment. I also need to find an agent.
__________________
'Carabanchel' - 'The Lone Brit on 13' - 'Satan's Arena'
'The Assassins Code 1' - 'Locked up Abroad'
Christopher Chance.
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Fiction > Scripts


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
FALLEN: Chapters 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 (revised) and first 1/2 of 8 PENsive Fiction 11 12-20-2008 10:11 AM
[Fantasy]The Dark Forest Novel [WIP] Desmond Tiny Fiction 1 12-02-2006 09:15 AM
No such thing as a free ride. Geoffrey Robson Fiction 2 10-10-2006 05:12 PM
Parasite pugh7755 Fiction 2 07-31-2006 03:56 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 01:44 PM.

vBulletin, Copyright 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.