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Old 04-11-2009, 09:29 AM
wewere (Offline)
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Sorry. It's been such a long time. I gave up writing for a while. Now I am very motivated. Please give me comments on the story, or just simply reading it makes me very happy. I just simply want to tell a story through dialogue.

ext. - Granges backyard - night

The crowd stands in a semi circle. Lily stands in the middle smiling while she holds onto her boyfriend, Erik's brother, Ben. Erik wheels in a cake from behind. The lights are dimmed out.

Crowd
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, happy birthday. Happy birthday to you.

-The crowd claps and dissolves into little groups.

friend 1

Ben, isn't she getting old though? Look Lily's not that pretty. Plus she's got nothing good. If you come over to me, you'll get what you deserve.

lily
(giggling)
There you go again. Just give it up already. He's mine.

ben
I'm glad you really like me but this person here's probably going to kill me if I do anything like that.

Lily starts hitting Ben while smiling.

friend 2
Come on let's go. Leave the two love birds alone.

friend 1
Bye Lily, Ben.

Lily laughs while getting hugged by Ben.

lily
By the way, where's Erik?

ben
(whispering)
I'm not enough for you?

lily
Ben, did you say something?

ben
No. Um. I think he's standing by the pool there.

He points towards the pool in the back of the garden. The lights barely made Erik visible.

lily
Oh, I see him now. Want to go over to him? He's never liked parties much.

Lily walks toward the pool. Ben suddenly tugs her hand. Lily looks back.

ben
I think I'm going to wait for you here. He's got something to tell you.

lily
There's nothing to hide. Come on.

ben
(shaking his head)
Lily, you're really naive sometimes. I'm going to stay here and talk to Mike and the others. You go cheer him up by yourself.

lily
Did something happen?

ben
It's happened long ago.

lily
What?

ben
Nothing, Lily. Go on.

lily
I'll just be a while then.

Lily walks to Erik, with his back turned on her. She lightly taps his shoulders and quickly covers his eyes.

lily
Who do you think it is?

erik
(smiling)
A princess?

lily
Correct.

Lily takes a couple of steps back. Erik turns to look at her.

erik
Would you stop?

lily
Stop with what?

erik
Your childish games?

lily
What games?

erik
Nevermind. You're just ignoring me.

lily
(laughing)
Sorry. But you love it anyways don't you, Shorty?

erik
Stop it. I'm much taller than you now.

lily
Come on, you lady killer, go get some girls. There's tons of them.

erik
There's only one I want, and you seem to know her pretty well.

lily
Who? Who?

erik
You.

lily
(laughing)
Stop it already Erik. Stop joking.

erik
But I'm not.

lily
Erik, you're going to make me angry.

Lily turns her back on Erik and stomps her heels on the ground.

erik
(smiling)
I'm joking. Joking, Lily.

lily
Well, come on. There's a party. Hurry up!

Erik
You go on. I'll be there to charm all the ladies in a while.

Lily
(giggling)
Really? All right then.

Erik (V.O.)
What is wrong with me? Am I not good enough for her? Everytime she walks away there's a tug in my heart. What is this if it isn't love, Lily? All I know is that I love you. I wonder if this is how everyone feels when their love isn't returned. Is there no cure for this?


I don't have the time to fix so I'll come back later to fix it. Sorry.

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File Type: pdf untitled.pdf (4.7 KB, 7 views)

Last edited by wewere; 04-11-2009 at 08:38 PM..
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  #2  
Old 04-11-2009, 10:45 AM
Paco (Offline)
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I think you are achieving your objective. Very well-written.
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Old 04-11-2009, 05:17 PM
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Thank you so much.
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Old 04-11-2009, 05:26 PM
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Do you think maybe you could post it directly into the forum? I don't like clicking on links.
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Old 04-11-2009, 08:30 PM
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Sure thing, but if the format's not to you liking then just click
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  #6  
Old 04-22-2009, 09:28 AM
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I think the layout could be a little better, as it is a tad hard to read. The content, whoever, definitely fits your intentions and is a good read.
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  #7  
Old 04-29-2009, 06:01 AM
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I agree that the layout is a little confusing, but thats easily fixed.

Personally, i think you need more 'action'. You need camera angles. What the characters are doing, right down to the last detail. How they are speaking.

It's not as easy as it sounds, because it's very easy to make it sound like a story.

Lastly, it is very well written, im sure you could do alot with this
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Old 04-29-2009, 09:31 AM
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I will agree with the last two comments the layout is a bit confusing. And I think a bit more detail would help it flow a bit more. But other than that I like it.
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  #9  
Old 04-30-2009, 07:46 AM
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I think it's interesting. It reminds me a bit of the book Stargirl. Which is, in fact, a good thing.
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Old 04-30-2009, 10:54 PM
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Thank you so much for your comments everyone.
Sorry about the layout. Also I didn't want to much action because some people are against that but I'll try to satisfy everyone. Also I decided to leave the camera directions until I'm all done with the whole script. Anyways THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. I'll put up the next one this week, hopefully
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Old 05-01-2009, 03:55 AM
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Good idea. I can't wait for the next one!
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Old 09-08-2009, 03:20 AM
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It's a very good one. Bravo!
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  #13  
Old 02-14-2010, 08:23 PM
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I like the story but i think you definetly need to work on the dialouge and the conversation. there actions seem almost sudden because you don't build the characters up enough. use the dialouge to do this.
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