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Grow Up

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  #1  
Old 11-05-2009, 07:27 AM
wewere (Offline)
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Int. House- Night
Tim, and his sister, Remey are face to face.
Tim

I hate being poor. I can't even buy some new clothes! I hate this house.

Remey

Tim, shut up! You're just a damn kid so quit whining.

Tim

I'm not a damn kid. I'm fifteen alright?! Why can't I just walk home by myself? It's better than taking that darn dirt ugly car everyone laughs at.

Remey

What the hell's your problem? It doesn't matter what anyone says to you! Grandpa's doing his best for both of us.

Tim

Well his best just isn't good enough.

Remey slaps Tim on the arm.


Remey

Shut your mouth right now. I want you to go apologize to gramps right now.

Tim

It's not like he could hear us anyways!

Remey

You're just a dumb idiot right now who's trying to be all cool. Go to your room.

Tim

At least I'm not like you who everyone talks about! It's embarrassing to know that you're the laughing stock of the whole school. You have no sense of clothing, or anything.

Remey

So what if they talk trash about me? I haven't done harm to anyone. I haven't involved myself in their life.

Tim

This is exactly why I need to hang out with my friends. You and gramps just don't get my feelings.

Remey

You go out everyday and come back to complain about our house!

Tim

Whatever. I'm not eating dinner today.

Grandfather

What's with all this yelling you two?

Tim

Sorry, Gramps.

Grandfather

Sorry for what?

Tim leaves to his room.

Grandfather

Did you yell at him again Remey?

Remey

I did. But he shouldn't be so late all the time.

Grandfather

He's young. Let him. You know you should get out more too.

Remey

No. It's alright Gramps. I'm fine.

Grandfather

Remey, one day, you know, you're going to make a man proud. When you walk up that aisle, I'll be the man to give you away.

Remey

Gramps, I'll always stay with you. I promise.

Grandfather

You should find happiness like all girls do. That's what your mother did.

Int. Tim's Room

Grandfather knocks on the door. Tim sits on his bed.

Tim

Come in.

Grandfather

Now, what's with the sudden coming home late?

Tim

Nothing, it's just I want to hang out with my friends more.

Grandfather

It's your girlfriend right?

Tim

(laughs)
You always see right through me, Gramps.

Grandfather

Course I could. I raised you and you better know it. Don't be so hard on Remey.

Tim

Gramps, I know I said some really awful things but I just really wish that we could be a little bit more richer. I want nice things, you know?

Grandfather

What the hell are you, a girl? If you want something then don't wait for others to give it to you. This is your life. You have to make your life yourself.

Tim

Yeah. I guess you're right.

Funeral Home- Night

Remey and Tim stands before a coffin. Lying there is the body of Grandfather.

Remey

Right now, there's really nothing for us to do. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have been so hard on you.

Tim

What the hell are you saying? You should've beaten me to a pulp. If you did then none of this would've happened.

Tim starts to cry.


Remey

I told you that you're a man. If gramps said you didn't do anything wrong then you didn't. He forgave you so just shut up and forgive yourself.

Tim

Easy for you to say. You're such a goody two shoes. You're so nice and gentle. You're just the perfect grand-daughter everyone wants.

Remey

Shut up. You don't know anything, Tim! I wanted to be a man too, damn it! I wanted him to have high hopes for me too! I didn't want him to look at me and see a women, who's nice and good and one day is going to get married! I wanted to show him I could do better than any man!

Tim

Remey...

Remey

Tim... I don't want to cry. It'll make me weak. Tears are for cry babys. They're not for me.

Aunt Lucia walks in through the side door.


Aunt Lucia

I see you're at it again, Remey. You're always trying to make Tim grow up too fast. Now that this has happened. Oh poor Tim.

Aunt Lucia tries to hug Tim. Tim moves out of the way.


Tim

Aunt Lucia, you're wrong.

Aunt Lucia

What did you say sweet heart?

Tim

I think you heard me clear and loud. You're wrong. I'm the man of the house now!

Aunt Lucia backs off with surprise and goes away.


Remey

Tim...

Tim

Remey

Tim goes up to hug her.


Tim

It's okay to cry Remey. I'm sorry.

Remey cries.


Remey

I told you not to apologize.

Tim

This'll be the last time. I won't have to say those words to you or gramps anymore. All I ever was was a damn selfish, stupid, dumb, brat. I'll never let this happen again.

THE END

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  #2  
Old 11-05-2009, 01:32 PM
spinynorman (Offline)
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I see this as a sort of coming-of-age piece. It was quite effective and the characters were clearly defined.
The relationship of the two siblings powered the story. I'm guessing it was written for radio or stage as there was little action. The story was covered by the dialogue.

While the exchanges were sharp and well paced they were a bit on-the-nose and lacking in subtext which would have given greater character insight. They all just said exactly what they were thinking which made for 'telling rather than 'showing' which is always better.
I liked the characters and the premise but the dialogue
could would benefit from some subtext
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Old 11-05-2009, 07:28 PM
wewere (Offline)
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I did want to add a lot into this but I wanted to keep this short and simple. I'm going to have to edit this a little more. Thanks so much for your comment.
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:02 AM
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Hey its pretty fine. The aunt lucia part could be a little bit longer or complex, dont know just to make more story but anyway was ok because at the end is the same effect.

Good tittle and ending.
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Old 01-02-2010, 12:34 PM
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If this is meant for film there needs to be some action involved. Otherwise, it becomes a "talking heads" scene which becomes extremely boring.

Why the need for all the bold?
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Old 01-20-2010, 11:15 PM
lvlr (Offline)
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Originally Posted by wewere View Post
Tim
I hate being poor. I can't even buy some new clothes! I hate this house.

Remey

Tim, shut up! You're just a damn kid so quit whining.

Tim

I'm not a damn kid. I'm fifteen alright?! Why can't I just walk home by myself? It's better than taking that darn dirt ugly car everyone laughs at.
Doesn't feel real. The kid's complaining about being poor, but at the mention of age he's off on walking home. When someone gets their mind set on something it usually lasts longer than this.
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