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Little Lies & Late night Whispers

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Old 12-06-2007, 04:14 PM
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Default Little Lies & Late night Whispers


Little Lies & Late Night Whispers

Little lies and late night whispers,
coffee lips and morning kisses,
glances out the kitchen window
linger on the cherry tree, still green.
Yet each night the rot hollows more.
While my daughter spills her fruit loops,
my son searches for faded jeans,
Morning fades and I arrange
for a dying tree's removal,
and in a tired spreading sadness
I dial my torment and whisper,
"He's gone; the children are at school."

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Old 12-07-2007, 01:30 PM
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Life and death. Change both good and bad, something I struggle with esp. since both of my parents and all of my Moms immediate family have pasted.
Your poem made me think. Sad. But sad is true. Look forward to reading more of your work. Thanks for sharing.

Last edited by dorrie9; 12-07-2007 at 01:32 PM.. Reason: used wrong word
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Old 12-08-2007, 03:28 AM
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L&T, I really liked this, especially the first two lines: very strong imagery there.

Still, I'm not really sure why, but I find the following line a bit off:

Yet each night the rot hollows more.
It's not the meter, and there are no rhymes to go awry, so I can't put my finger on it. But it niggles.

A lovely poem, nonetheless. Thanks for sharing.

Cheers
QW
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Old 12-08-2007, 03:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Queen of Wands View Post
I find the following line a bit off:


It's not the meter, and there are no rhymes to go awry, so I can't put my finger on it. But it niggles.
I agree about that line, but I haven't yet thought of the right way to put the to words. As written, it's like a bump in the reading. One day, I'll look at that poem or someone will suggest something, and it'll be done.

Peace,

L&T
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Old 12-08-2007, 03:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Lime & Tequila View Post
Little Lies & Late Night Whispers

Little lies and late night whispers,
coffee lips and morning kisses,
glances out the kitchen window
linger on the cherry tree, still green.
Rot deepens with night to hollow more,
lengthens the passage to morning.
While my daughter spills her fruit loops,
my son searches for faded jeans,
Morning fades and I arrange
for a dying tree's removal,
and in a tired spreading sadness
I dial my torment and whisper,
"He's gone; the children are at school."
A suggestion to fix and stengthen that line, to bring it into the next. (This is 5 a.m. thinking so bear with me )
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Old 12-08-2007, 04:06 AM
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Thank you Baron,

I like the first line you suggest,

... still green seems to work with
... hollow more

I'm not sure about the second line addition. And that really doesn't mean anything, my mind turns slowly when it comes to poetry, I love to meander back and forth and think about it.

By the way, I know about 5:00 a.m. thinking. I do a lot of that, I love getting up before the family, it's quiet, peaceful, and I can often get things done. But it's not always my best thinking time, the mind still feels like molasses on a winter morning.

Peace,

L&T
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