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jump jump jump

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  #1  
Old 01-07-2008, 08:35 PM
kathryn (Offline)
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Default jump jump jump


my first attempt at writing:

jump jump jump

walking down the street
i hear a song from the past
jump jump jump goes everyone
with drinks held fast
running on down
dress melting in new orleans air
he's my bourbon boyfriend
playing with my hair
where is she
the one in vain
came falling down
now in pain
quietly divided
the room takes a turn
its like a different world
we'll later learn
little lessons
all wrapped up in one
teenage years
really aren't all fun
in time it seems all is lost
but so much has been gained
in response
i yelled
until my voice left me
we all lay down
not so quietly
sleep rushes through
and we must go
all aboard
through wind rain or snow
the rhythm of the train
it shakes my dreams away

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  #2  
Old 01-08-2008, 12:13 AM
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Tau (Offline)
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First of welcome to the forum.

It looks ok but you would get a better response in the poetry section. Personally I would break it up into several stanzas, but that is just me.

We are a friendly community but there are a few rules, so ill give you brief tour. At the top of each board there is a list of sticky post, reading them is highly recommended.

Oh and before I forget people are more likely to read and reply to your work if you have read and reviewed other peoples work, so for now I would say explore the site, read some things and say things if you have anything to say. In like 10 posts before you post your own work should be ok, that way people can get to know you a bit better.

For any further questions do ask the staff, they are here to help.
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Old 01-08-2008, 02:17 AM
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Q Wands (Offline)
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Hello, Kathryn, and welcome to Writer's Beat. I see Tau has given you the heads up, but I'll just reiterate in my own pointless way.

Basically, the Introductions forum is just for saying hello and telling us a little about yourself. All work for critique should be posted in the appropriate forum (Write Here: Poetry, in this case).

We also have a strong critique-to-be-critiqued ethos here, so it would be appreciated it you read some contributions by other members and commented. For fun and games, or general chat, check out the Writers Cafe.

Read all stickies, as advised, and feel free to contact a member of staff if you have any questions.

Most of all, enjoy your stay.

Cheers,
QW
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Old 01-08-2008, 03:06 PM
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Hi kathryn, nice having you on board. Welcome to the Writer's Beat. Is there anything besides poetry, that you've given a try at?
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