WritersBeat.com
 

Go Back   WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry

Poetry Sit down or take a stand in this poetry section.


Heavenly Hell

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 06-25-2014, 09:43 AM
Hidrolic (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 534
Thanks: 37
Thanks 74
Default Heavenly Hell


What if there is a heaven and hell
Parallel to the life that weíre living and the particles that make up a cell
A distantly close dimension we canít feel or smell
Is it real, itís hard to tell
Molecular divisions and cellular collisions make it hard to sell
But my soul is swell
My mold as well
Maybe death is just me breaking out this shell
To traverse to that place Iíll finally dwell

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-25-2014, 11:29 AM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
Writing Mentor
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2,220
Thanks: 146
Thanks 441
Send a message via Yahoo to Lon Palmer Send a message via Skype™ to Lon Palmer
Default

I think that some of the rhymes are forced, even comic, and the line lengths vary desperately in order to facilitate them, which seems a pity given the value of the thought.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-25-2014, 12:28 PM
Nacia's Avatar
Nacia (Online)
Resident Ghost
Official Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: London, England.
Posts: 10,181
Thanks: 2,660
Thanks 918
Default

Hidrolic I like this very much
I like the rhyme scheme if flows well to me
I also like the non punctuated style
the last line ends on a high
it is a good one
__________________
a lesson in
life is a pound
in sound
it reminds us
it is expensive a fine
so bear one
in mind
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-25-2014, 04:51 PM
Lon Palmer (Offline)
Writing Mentor
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2,220
Thanks: 146
Thanks 441
Send a message via Yahoo to Lon Palmer Send a message via Skype™ to Lon Palmer
Default

I don't think that the title works. It's a clever enough oxymoron, but it doesn't fit the actual thought of the poem, does it?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-26-2014, 09:47 PM
Lullaby (Offline)
Let me introduce myself
New Author
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Wow, nice work.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-27-2014, 07:49 AM
Hidrolic (Offline)
Word Wizard
Official Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 534
Thanks: 37
Thanks 74
Default

Thanks for the read Lon, Nacia and Lullaby. The title that I had first was "Heaven and Hell".
Reply With Quote
Reply

  WritersBeat.com > Write Here > Poetry


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Creep World (WIP) MalReynolds Fiction 21 09-07-2017 06:06 AM
Satan 7 sample draft chapters Fkegs Fiction 0 06-24-2014 05:53 AM
The 4th Dimension-Fantasy Juilingstar177 Fiction 6 07-16-2011 03:38 AM
Inspiring Lyrics El902 Writers' Cafe 5 09-24-2009 04:12 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:38 AM.

vBulletin, Copyright © 2000-2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.