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The Three O'clock Fugue

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  #1  
Old 02-24-2018, 10:58 AM
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Default The Three O'clock Fugue


In his position of Regional Services Administrator Jon was sure that little good happened at three pm on a Friday. In fact, it was at that time on a that day that unresolved problems became unbearable in the face of an oncoming weekend which contained no chance of help.

As the hour of three approached, tension in the office weighed heavily on those who were unfortunate enough to be at their desks., They were available to face the avalanche of problems which often occurred at that time. So every Friday afternoon all the case workers were out on calls.

On this Friday, Jon and the three secretaries were the only ones in the office after the post lunch evacuation of everyone else. The feeling of impending doom settled like a shroud on these remaining victims of circumstance.

Jon, closed the door to his office, put his feet up on his desk and picked up the phone. He had to call his boss, the commissioner of the department, to discuss the events of two days ago that created a great stinking mess in his region. Even though he had not personally caused the incident, Jon knew he was responsible for it. Like the captain of a ship, it was his command and no matter ‘who did what’ it was him that was held to blame.

As he buzzed his secretary to instruct her to place the call for him he took a deep breath and held out the hope that the commissioner had left for the week. It was a vain hope as his secretary connected with the commissioner’s. Oh yes, the commissioner was in and not only that he was anxious to talk with him, he was informed.
“Hi Jon.” Tom the commissioner said in a neutral tone. “I hear that you’ve had some very rough days and we both know that no matter what it will end up on your desk.”


“You know I had nothing to do with the decision to let him out?’ said Jon.

“Oh I know but the press will not see it that way. The need someone to blame and You will be it.” The commissioner went on. “You know, the coach of the team and all that.”

“I know, I know” said Jon “Could you hold a minute, my secretary is buzzing me?”

“Sure” said Tom

“What is it Jan?” said Jon with a slight edge in his voice.

“I thought you would like to know that Morley Schaefer is here with the camera crew from 60 minutes. They would

like to interview you.”

There was a pause then Jon said, “ Please offer them coffee and ask them to take a seat. I’ll be out soon.”

“Tom, I have Morley Schaefer and the 60 minute’s crew in my outer office.”

“Well, Jon it looks like you will have to talk with them. But look on the bright side.”

“And what would that be pray tell.” said Jon.

“Well, it could have been Mike Wallace”. said Tom


Last edited by Vince; 05-04-2018 at 06:34 PM..
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Old 02-24-2018, 02:37 PM
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Old 02-24-2018, 02:39 PM
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Is this an excerpt of something longer, or just a bit of nothing in particular?

I enjoyed reading it.


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Old 02-24-2018, 03:22 PM
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Try reading your stuff aloud... Break sentences. If you cannot casually speak your sentences break them up. Think of powerful short sentences. Not everything has to be winded. Even Victorians used commas
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Old 02-25-2018, 02:40 AM
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i agree with daes. it flows nicely tho, just SPaG issues. and space them out more. it's a new paragraph per new speaker; you don't have to clump dialogue together.

i enjoyed myself overall. very cool look into the mundane life of these people that i just come to hate. i really hate them, mainly because you designed them like that. they're very real. sounds like the ending or beginning of a short film. nice work! i really liked your prose. too short, we need more.

you're a new author. i hope you like it around here. stick around! we're the best forum this side of the village. i should know, i tried them all.
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Old 02-25-2018, 08:31 AM
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brianpatric, Not sure what it was - a bit of memory . could be a story ?
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Old 02-25-2018, 08:32 AM
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daes13,
thanks for the thoughts and interest - will try what you suggest.
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Old 02-25-2018, 08:35 AM
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chat box,
glad you liked it will try to make some adjustments. I worked for these people I was in the trenches - they often made them deeper. This is based on a true story. Again thanks for the kind words and encouragement.
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Old 05-01-2018, 10:55 PM
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Hi. My 'two bob's worth':

firstly, I would ditch the first sentence; it explains too much. Secondly, I hate the word 'palpable' (but that's just me). Thirdly, " ..... at that hour ..... at that time ..... at three o'clock...... too much - it's already there in the title. But I think it starts to flow after the third or so paragraph.
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Old 05-03-2018, 07:53 AM
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Lingard,

Thanks for your input. Made some changes.
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Old 05-04-2018, 02:26 AM
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Can we see it?
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Old 05-04-2018, 06:35 PM
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Hi Lingard, I edited the original posting
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Old 05-06-2018, 04:42 PM
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Right. I see it now. Look, to me that first paragraph now reads a lot better. Cleaner. Less clumsy. I've got a great tendency to over-explain as well (that's why I re-write so much). I started reading Raymond Chandler, Dashiell Hammett and (particularly) David Goodis a few years ago. Also a number of 'B' grade noir authors. I think it helped me a lot to try to emulate their style to some degree (or at least study it). Those guys just used the absolute bare minimum of words (particularly Goodis). Hardly any explanations at all and yet you know exactly what they are saying, what their characters are thinking, and you can visualise every scene very clearly. It's a real discipline, I think.
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Old 05-06-2018, 06:43 PM
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Been working on that discipline thing with some limited success. One of the reasons I like haiku only have 17 sylibles to say it all.
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