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  #31  
Old 12-23-2012, 04:30 AM
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Originally Posted by MonseratTheFool View Post
Very nice job building drama, setting a context, and putting us firmly in the shoes of the protagonist with meticulous, but meaningful details. With very few words, you bring us into the trench with the protag. Nice work.

The only critique I have would be this sentence:
The jungle floor carpet, leaves in various stage of decay, cover me.

I'd perhaps put the hanging end of the sentence together somehow with a little more fluidity.

Otherwise, the story pops. Nice work.


I, as I compose various pieces, explore forms. Thus the 'hanging end' in this one.

The 'jungle floor carpet' line is, to me, over sophisticated in some of the word selections (this may be what you refer to).


Thanks for your comments.

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  #32  
Old 12-23-2012, 04:56 AM
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"His clothes are new. Humid damp and sagging, yes, but untorn. Unfaded. Boot soles are thick. I see this as he slow (you mean "slowly"?) walks past my eyes."

Short and affective. Language is not too strong, but works well for this piece . The beginning and ending was strong, but I couldn't help the feeling that the piece is part of something larger rather than a one off piece.
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  #33  
Old 12-23-2012, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Huh?
What was written that indicates there will be a 'revision'?
Snob/ He probably reads wbeatforumSnob. I don't think you need someone telling you that he/she expects a revision. Duh. Get out a here.
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  #34  
Old 12-23-2012, 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Elisa/win View Post
"His clothes are new. Humid damp and sagging, yes, but untorn. Unfaded. Boot soles are thick. I see this as he slow (you mean "slowly"?) walks past my eyes."

Short and affective. Language is not too strong, but works well for this piece . The beginning and ending was strong, but I couldn't help the feeling that the piece is part of something larger rather than a one off piece.
I understand your question, Elisa. You are looking for a recognized (common) word form usage. Nothin' wrong with that.
As you move through life you will find that oft' times accents, shortenings and many other moderations are visited upon our lingo.

And, as I put in another comment, this is the only kiss.
(No romance, no matrimony, no anniversaries, no betrayal, no wakin' up wearin' a cast iron skillet for a hat.)

["Short and affective"- this works for me but I wonder if you actually want 'Short and effective'?]
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  #35  
Old 12-23-2012, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by maidahl View Post
Snob/ He probably reads wbeatforumSnob. I don't think you need someone telling you that he/she expects a revision. Duh. Get out a here.
Easy there, Kiddo.
Save it for your poetry.
Have you been to the 'Notice Board' recently?
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  #36  
Old 12-23-2012, 05:00 PM
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I am not a kiddo.
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  #37  
Old 12-24-2012, 03:49 AM
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Originally Posted by maidahl View Post
I am not a kiddo.
Not 'kiddo'.
"Kiddo".
As in Beatrix Kiddo.
Or don't you think you got what it takes to take on all comers and come out on top?
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  #38  
Old 12-24-2012, 11:07 AM
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why yes yes i do think so. And I am not Beatrix. That is a pretty name but I am Laura . hmmp
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  #39  
Old 12-24-2012, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by maidahl View Post
Snob/ He probably reads wbeatforumSnob. I don't think you need someone telling you that he/she expects a revision. Duh. Get out a here.
Easy there, Laura (not Beatrix Kiddo) Maidahl.
Save it for your poetry.
Have you been to the 'Notice Board' recently?
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  #40  
Old 12-25-2012, 01:32 AM
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why yes, yes I have, and I like to think I am quite friendly. Have you been to the Notice Board as of late?
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  #41  
Old 04-15-2018, 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
Huh?
What was written that indicates there will be a 'revision'?

Okay, waited long enough for a response.





Man, it's gotta suck tryin' to maintain pools in Syria these days.

What with the chlorine plants bein' Trumped overnight.
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  #42  
Old 04-15-2018, 05:17 PM
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yikes. it's a thing to see you dig yourself up while we watch. i've got funny images of the house of wb.. Yea. Before I say anything about Syria, I'll say, twas a fine read the original whatever wherever i am in this Fiction it says.
Syria today, gone tomorrow. Yokes. No. Really. No surprise in who will be the next pointed finger aim. Not that I know anything but headlines, bunch a suits will name Israel to blame, and well, the problem is the truth won't be rooted and accordioned for another 20 odd years.
Oh. and between then, we'll have loads more to have some other fool hack journalist write about the next--

Back to work. Nice poem there, why dont you take it to Submittable.com? You can make nothing but a picture and a link saying 'you did it'
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  #43  
Old 04-16-2018, 02:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Beesauce View Post
yikes. it's a thing to see you dig yourself up while we watch. i've got funny images of the house of wb.. Yea. Before I say anything about Syria, I'll say, twas a fine read the original whatever wherever i am in this Fiction it says.
Syria today, gone tomorrow. Yokes. No. Really. No surprise in who will be the next pointed finger aim. Not that I know anything but headlines, bunch a suits will name Israel to blame, and well, the problem is the truth won't be rooted and accordioned for another 20 odd years.
Oh. and between then, we'll have loads more to have some other fool hack journalist write about the next--

Back to work. Nice poem there, why dont you take it to Submittable.com? You can make nothing but a picture and a link saying 'you did it'


I figure since we still read stuff written by guys dead longer than me this arena can withstand some of my previous posts.

Admin will let me know if I'm gettin' too close to the fence so no worries there.


About the submit (yeah, like the term don't make me smile) thing - ehh, if I grow a fragile ego I can use such activity to sustain it.
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Last edited by Nick Pierce; 04-16-2018 at 01:36 PM..
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  #44  
Old 04-16-2018, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick Pierce View Post
I figure since we still read stuff written by guys dead longer than me this arena can withstand some of my previous posts.

Admin will let me know if I'm gettin' too close to the fence so no worries there.


About the submit (yeah, like the term don't make me smile) thing - ehh, maybe if I grow grow a fragile ego I can use such activity to sustain it.
Meheh. I'm an expert frown and farter. Clears a room quicker than a pile of Oscar Myers wrapped in horse meat. I pick my apples off the road. Road apples?

I would never intentional try to make fun of the poetry. I can't say I know what any snobs around here. I know where i can find some tho. Ever entered the Poetry Free For All PFFA
Pffaawhha. They will cover you in spit.
I took the titles in their library and got away.
Went back for more, and then got over the rules are stricter than a prison
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  #45  
Old 04-16-2018, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Beesauce View Post
Meheh. I'm an expert frown and farter. Clears a room quicker than a pile of Oscar Myers wrapped in horse meat. I pick my apples off the road. Road apples?

I would never intentional try to make fun of the poetry. I can't say I know what any snobs around here. I know where i can find some tho. Ever entered the Poetry Free For All PFFA
Pffaawhha. They will cover you in spit.
I took the titles in their library and got away.
Went back for more, and then got over the rules are stricter than a prison


Good to know.
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  #46  
Old 05-08-2018, 05:43 PM
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Hi, a really cool piece of suspenseful drama with a social commentary. I like it. Could I respectfully offer the following suggestions?

1. I'd like to leave out the 'animal voice' of the jungle. With the 'buzzing, calling, screaming', we already know it's an animal voice. No need to spell it out.
2. 'Their noise discipline is lax' sounded a bit clumsy to me. How about, 'they were too loud'?
3. Lastly, when the rearguard fellow 'missed me', it's past tense when everything else is present tense.

Hope you don't mind, but this is how I'd have it:

My grandfather died fighting the French. His father also.

My father was killed going against the American Advisors.

Now here I lay on my empty belly in a shallow shoulder-to-toe trench. The jungle floor carpet covers me, its leaves in stages of decay. A ragged edge woven reed hat, with dawn-cut vines tucked on, completes this hide.

The bugs have started biting. I ain't movin'. My bladder is full to bursting. Now it is draining. I am motionless.

The buzzing, calling, screaming voice of the jungle begins to break up.

They are coming.

These ones are new. Too loud. I hear them whispering to each other long before the first one passes.

The point man misses me. Thank Christ. Now wait.

Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, ... patience ... here he is, number Seven. The rear guard. But he is looking forward.

His clothes are new. Humid damp and sagging; but untorn, unfaded. Boot soles still nice and thick. I see this as he slow walks past my eyes.

Now I wait 9 heartbeats. The patrol squad will turn the trail bend. This will leave my target and me alone for a moment.

I will need only half of that moment to do what I must.

As the fourth generation fighting for my country's freedom, the path is clear.

Conscience calm.

Silently I rise in defense of our homeland.
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  #47  
Old 05-09-2018, 02:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Lingard View Post
Hi, a really cool piece of suspenseful drama with a social commentary. I like it. Could I respectfully offer the following suggestions?

1. I'd like to leave out the 'animal voice' of the jungle. With the 'buzzing, calling, screaming', we already know it's an animal voice. No need to spell it out.
2. 'Their noise discipline is lax' sounded a bit clumsy to me. How about, 'they were too loud'?
3. Lastly, when the rearguard fellow 'missed me', it's past tense when everything else is present tense.

Hope you don't mind, but this is how I'd have it:

My grandfather died fighting the French. His father also.

My father was killed going against the American Advisors.

Now here I lay on my empty belly in a shallow shoulder-to-toe trench. The jungle floor carpet covers me, its leaves in stages of decay. A ragged edge woven reed hat, with dawn-cut vines tucked on, completes this hide.

The bugs have started biting. I ain't movin'. My bladder is full to bursting. Now it is draining. I am motionless.

The buzzing, calling, screaming voice of the jungle begins to break up.

They are coming.

These ones are new. Too loud. I hear them whispering to each other long before the first one passes.

The point man misses me. Thank Christ. Now wait.

Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, ... patience ... here he is, number Seven. The rear guard. But he is looking forward.

His clothes are new. Humid damp and sagging; but untorn, unfaded. Boot soles still nice and thick. I see this as he slow walks past my eyes.

Now I wait 9 heartbeats. The patrol squad will turn the trail bend. This will leave my target and me alone for a moment.

I will need only half of that moment to do what I must.

As the fourth generation fighting for my country's freedom, the path is clear.

Conscience calm.

Silently I rise in defense of our homeland.

Always have high regard for a man that jumps right in and shows along with his telling.
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  #48  
Old 05-09-2018, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Lingard View Post
Hi, a really cool piece of suspenseful drama with a social commentary. I like it. Could I respectfully offer the following suggestions?

1. I'd like to leave out the 'animal voice' of the jungle. With the 'buzzing, calling, screaming', we already know it's an animal voice. No need to spell it out.
2. 'Their noise discipline is lax' sounded a bit clumsy to me. How about, 'they were too loud'?
3. Lastly, when the rearguard fellow 'missed me', it's past tense when everything else is present tense.

Hope you don't mind, but this is how I'd have it:

My grandfather died fighting the French. His father also.

My father was killed going against the American Advisors.

Now here I lay on my empty belly in a shallow shoulder-to-toe trench. The jungle floor carpet covers me, its leaves in stages of decay. A ragged edge woven reed hat, with dawn-cut vines tucked on, completes this hide.

The bugs have started biting. I ain't movin'. My bladder is full to bursting. Now it is draining. I am motionless.

The buzzing, calling, screaming voice of the jungle begins to break up.

They are coming.

These ones are new. Too loud. I hear them whispering to each other long before the first one passes.

The point man misses me. Thank Christ. Now wait.

Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, ... patience ... here he is, number Seven. The rear guard. But he is looking forward.

His clothes are new. Humid damp and sagging; but untorn, unfaded. Boot soles still nice and thick. I see this as he slow walks past my eyes.

Now I wait 9 heartbeats. The patrol squad will turn the trail bend. This will leave my target and me alone for a moment.

I will need only half of that moment to do what I must.

As the fourth generation fighting for my country's freedom, the path is clear.

Conscience calm.

Silently I rise in defense of our homeland.



"Thank Christ"


Do you think a VC is likely to be a Christian?
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  #49  
Old 05-09-2018, 08:32 PM
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No idea. Just thought it sounded stronger than 'good'. Maybe, "thank Buddha"? Or maybe: "Thank Fuck he didn't see me 'cause I'm so shit scared and I'm on a knife edge here and if he sees me I'm dead and if he doesn't he's dead."
I just doubt he'd say, "good", that's all.

By the way, I'm not trying to be presumptuous or anything. You're a damn fine writer. I've read a lot of your poems here and I'm amazed. I'm just trying to practice my critiquing skills (I've never done it before). Already I'm finding that it's so much easier to see areas that need improvement in other people's work than it is my own. (Is that one facet of 'being too close to your own work'?) I certainly hope with time it will help me be more objective with my own stuff - because God knows I need that.
Cheers.
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  #50  
Old 05-10-2018, 02:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Lingard View Post
No idea. Just thought it sounded stronger than 'good'. Maybe, "thank Buddha"? Or maybe: "Thank Fuck he didn't see me 'cause I'm so shit scared and I'm on a knife edge here and if he sees me I'm dead and if he doesn't he's dead."
I just doubt he'd say, "good", that's all.

By the way, I'm not trying to be presumptuous or anything. You're a damn fine writer. I've read a lot of your poems here and I'm amazed. I'm just trying to practice my critiquing skills (I've never done it before). Already I'm finding that it's so much easier to see areas that need improvement in other people's work than it is my own. (Is that one facet of 'being too close to your own work'?) I certainly hope with time it will help me be more objective with my own stuff - because God knows I need that.
Cheers.



No worries.
Keep crittin'.


My question was intended to coax you toward considering the backdrop of the piece.

People (in my experience) who have been involved with generations of conflict tend to drop the impassioned histrionics (consumes energy wastefully) when waging the business. Thus my selection of the succinct "Good". Also chose that word/term for it's positive slant justification preceding the action.
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  #51  
Old 05-10-2018, 03:44 AM
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Okay. I get that. Also, maybe there's some implied malevolence in the word 'good'. That would make sense, too.
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